Ask Lemmy

One time my wife got me a really nice DeWalt jig saw for Christmas. I already had a jigsaw. It worked well enough for as much as I use it. Although the newer one was better quality and had a few nicer features.

You know what I did? I thanked her and told her how much I appreciated it. She saw something she thought would make my life a little easier and got it for me as a gift. It was a very kind gesture. If it were the wrong one, I probably would have talked to her later and asked if I could exchange it for one that would have suited my needs better while still letting her know that I appreciated what she was trying to do. I'm sure she would have been fine with that.

What I wouldn't have done was gripe at her for buying me a new power tool because I "don't like new things" or "I already have a jigsaw and it works just fine." That would be a terrible idea which would understandably hurt her feelings when she was just trying to do something nice for me.

It wasn't about the "thing". It was about the gesture. The fact that they gave you such a gift shows that they pay attention to what you do and they wanted to give you something to make your life a little easier. That was very thoughtful but you threw it back in their face. I completely understand why they're angry.

You're going to a lot of effort to not actually mention what this thing is, which makes me wonder what it is and I suspect knowing that would provide additional and useful context.

It's not about the item whatever it is, it's about your reaction to it. This was something your spouse got you to show you that they love you; they bought something they thought you would want and need because they see you using this item all the time. It doesn't matter that they know you like using old things - for them the thing they got you is an expression of their love for you, and your reaction (lets return it, I don't want it) is like rejecting their love and is insulting.

I don't know how you said it to your spouse but the way you've described it here your reaction sounds like it was entirely factual and emotionless. It may not be what you're saying but how you said it that is the issue. Did you acknowledge how kind and thoughtful the gift was? Did you acknowledge what it means to get a nice gift from your spouse before saying that actually it's not something you'd use?

Instead of seeing it as a tit-for-tat exchange and the same as you gifting t-shirts, you need to understand that this was a personal gift from your spouse. You also need to acknowledge you're difficult to get gifts for because you like old things. You're not the bad guy for wanting to return the item, you're likely the bad guy for how you've gone about it and hurting your spouses feelings in the process. It may be that you're not an emotional person or have difficulty reading other people including your spouse - that's fine but you may need to acknowledge that you've hurt their feelings even if you didn't realise or mean to, and apologise - that may help a lot. It would also be helpful to tell them how your mother-in-laws gift has sentimental value and you didn't want to replace it. It may still be that you end up returning the item - but it's far less important that your relationship with your spouse.

My wife got me a bartesian for Christmas last year. It makes the worst fucking drinks I've ever had in my life. It takes up space in my kitchen. The drink pods are like $3 each. It takes cleaning and maintenance. I hate everything about it.

I acted happy about it. Privately seethed and ranted. I literally would rather have gotten nothing than wasted money on that. And then I tried several drinks from it before "deciding" I had fun mixing my own drinks, but I still use it for guests and for her drinks that she likes.

I think it's god awful but I realized it made her happy and that is something I treasure. I don't know if there's anything in there for you to take away, but I can relate. Sometimes we just put on a happy face and let our loved ones enjoy giving us something.

A) You are acting like an ungrateful tool.

B) Perhaps she should have held off.

Be measured in your response next time, but at least have a conservation about what you want.

This is the most autistic thing I’ve read in a month.

I’m the same way with things, but I do think you handled this poorly. When people do things like this for me, also knowing I’d prefer to keep what I have or fix it if it’s malfunctioning/broken, my response is usually something along the lines of: “Thank you! This will come in handy when I can no longer use the one I have now. I’ll keep this safe until then!”

As someone else pointed out, they probably had a very good reason for getting that for you. When my lady bought me a new cell phone and I said basically what I wrote above, her response was that while she understands my current phone works, it doesn’t always work well, and she’d like to have longer, more meaningful conversations with me while I’m out of town. I asked her what she meant, since I saw no problem with it. She said my current phone didn’t keep a charge very long and the microphone wasn’t great. I learned that she called me less often than she’d like to because she felt like having me repeat myself and having to stop my work to charge the phone while having our talks was a bother to me, so she figured this would fix both of those problems. I swapped the service to the new phone immediately. She was elated, I was happy she was happy, and honestly I have a great phone that lasted two days on a charge for over a year. I also rarely have to repeat myself now, and didn’t realize that I was, in fact, bothered having to repeat myself until I didn’t have to.

Win-win, but you’ll never know if you shut it down.

They want to improve your life by giving you something which is not broken and assumedly works better than whatever you’re using now. You are rejecting that because of your insistence that things must be old. They know you will never get it for yourself, and maybe they think you’re just being cheap. It probably hurts them seeing you use what to them looks like a piece of crap. It’s really hard to say without knowing what the actual items involved are In just speculating.

A super old sex doll may be harboring microbes that could get your partner sick. Take the hint and accept the new one with some grace and class. Your mother-in-law is probably ok with it.

Are you neurodivergent? If, then it seems like a clear and typical misunderstanding of expectations.

If not, consider if you might be 😉

We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I'm not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don't like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same.

This point stood out to me. I'm assuming that you verbally established a "no nerdy t-shirts" rule, but did not verbally establish the "no new items" rule. If it was only implied, or you felt it was obvious to not buy you new gifts, but did not explicitly establish that rule like you did for the t-shirts, then it is not the same. Neither of you are bad or wrong for the moscommunication, but this is a great opportunity to have an open and frank discussion about gift expectations for each other.

This is one of those situations where nobody wins. They tried to do something nice, you didn't like it, and both people ended up unhappy. Neither was being unreasonable.

Buying someone a gift of a new thing isn't unreasonable. Even if you tend to like older/used things it's still not an unreasonable concept to buy someone an upgrade.

Not liking a gift because the old one is fine is also not unreasonable. Especially if you have established this as a preference before.

The best option here is for the partner to realize that the goal of the gift is to make the other person happy, and if that didn't work, figure out the path forward that does make them happy. (in this case returning the gift, and finding something else)

Remember, gifting is a shared experience, meant to be appreciated by the giftee as well as the gifter. It's obvious that your partner put thought into the gift, and that should be appreciated. Giving thoughtful gifts is not an easy task. Just because you have a new item does not diminish the value of the old sentimental one. But demanding the new one be returned could easily sow resentment in your relationship that will be revisited every gifting season.

Gifts are am emotional thing. There are lots of estimations of what the other person likes or wants and lots of expectations from the giving side. The whiplash from hoping for the best, to finding you've actually caused displeasure with your gift can be hard to handle.

Both sides need to be wise, in control of their emotions and those of the other party when gifts are exchanged. Be as gentle as you can when explaining why it's not something you want, express the things you're grateful for (the intention, their effort, etc.), and even more gentle with their upset feelings at your refusal.

I had issues with this, with my partner. They love surprises, and kept trying to learn how to correctly surprise me with a gift.

The sentence that finally got us on the same page:

"I can enjoy a surprise. But I enjoy same event, whatever it is, more, if it is not a surprise. I don't necessarily hate every event that is a surprise. But every surprise is less pleasant to me than the same event would be without the surprise."

This finally got them to stop trying to find a right way to surprise me, and just make a judgement call whether the surprise was worth making it a little less nice for me.

They do still surprise me, sometimes, but they finally understand that there's a cost, to me, to it. And now they weigh that into their decision, and it is so nice for me!

Edit: And we now have a shared understanding that anything big or expensive or hard to store needs to not be a surprise.

“My car has over 100k” had me dying.

It seems to me it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to shop for someone that refuses any "new" item.

Also, how many nerdy t-shirts did you gift them before the rule was in place? How did your partner react to all of those t-shirts? Did they immediately demand you return them?

It is a harsh reaction to request a gift just be returned.

It's time for new rules OP, and also a good talk with your S.O. nothing you did is wrong and nothing they did is wrong. It's more about being open and having discussions. They should know these kind of things, and the fact that they don't is both your fault.

No one is suffering here (imo) so that's a great success.

This isn't about a generational hand-me-down dildo, is it?

You make it clear that you don’t like new things. You really need to recognize that this makes it difficult for your loved ones to buy you gifts. I’m old enough that I generally don’t want anything for Christmas or my birthday. I have enough stuff. What I want is time to spend with the people I love. That doesn’t mean I refuse gifts or complain about them, because a gift means that someone saw something that made them think of you; and they bought it for you to celebrate your relationship. So even if it’s a bad gift, it’s coming from a good place.

Nobody is a bad person here and both of your feelings are valid.

As others pointed out, your partner likely put significant effort into the gift and is hurt that the effort was in vain. Compounding that is the fact that you didn't seem to acknowledge their effort or treat their hurt as valid.

Your hurt is valid. You got given something you don't want and now you feel pressured to accept it to appease your partner. It's in certain ways worse than getting nothing.

The situation sucks and you'll both be hurt regardless of how you resolve it.

It's probably going to be very important for you two to work out gifts or gift giving occasions. What do you like to do, for yourself or with your partner. Maybe the answer to that question can be part of the solution.

For the time being you have a few options. You can keep the gift like the others have said, maybe as a backup. Or you can return it. I suggest that if you return it you spend the money on something you both enjoy, maybe a nice date to sooth the hurt.

Let your partner know that you appreciate the effort that went into this gift. Let them know that you know you're a hard person to buy for, especially because you're not very consumerist which means that the things typically for sale won't appeal to you. Let them know that it's important for you that you're both able to express love towards each other and that you want to make sure that the next time your partner expends significant effort for you that they're able to create a situation which is rewarding for the both of you.

Then sort out what you're going to do with this gift. Maybe explain your feelings about using the old device and how the new one can't do that for you.

Then make a plan to work out the line term goal of how you'll give each other gifts/experiences in the future. And actually do it. It might be a lot of work, but it will probably create a lot of joy in your relationship in the long run where there might have been even more pain.

Honestly, most people suck at giving gifts. Most people struggle to put themselves in someone else's shoes

Your SO probably put real thought into the gift, and paid attention to you to come up with a good idea. And most people think new is better (although I'm with you). They think it's sour grapes or something when you tell them how you enjoy the fact something has been with you for all this time, and how you've carefully repaired it over the years

So all in all, that's a halfway well thought out gift. More effort than most people put into them, anyways. They were probably really excited and proud of themselves

I don't know what to do with that information... Personally I'd probably accept the gift and leave it in the closet as a backup. I'm not sure if that's better or not, but it would spread the experience out

Some families teach their kids that your ability to pick a gift directly equates to your value as a person.

Clearly her failure in this instance is more important to her than to you.

Whatever you do, try to help her feel valued.

You may be autistic and should get properly diagnosed. I am not joking. Your spouse was trying to do a nice thing for you and maybe even liked the idea of you using something they got you all the time the way you use your current one. Given how you form emotional attachments to old and familiar things and given how you don’t understand your spouse’s hurt, you are very likely on spectrum. Being diagnosed will help give you the tools to better interact with others, and will help those close to you — like your spouse — know how to relate to you more effectively.

I think from a factual basis your position sounds perfectly reasonable, I feel similarly about new things. (Perhaps there are other parts of the story missing though?)

There's a lot to be said for delivery. If you opened a gift an reacted badly immediately, that would hurt. Even if the gift was misjudged, it was probably meant with good intent. Accepting thankfully, acknowledging the intention, and THEN coming around to the "but you really should have checked in first for something like this" might be a good way to start.

Gonna leave this here, it's worth a read:

Asker vs Guesser culture

This item sounds like it might be for a hobby.

An inviolate rule for gifts is you NEVER give a gift for someone's hobby, unless they have specifically mentioned it. Then you buy EXACTLY what they tell you.

Case in point... I'm a former skydiver. It's a sport full of extremely counterintuitive aspects. One of my brothers was in the army and did airborne training under round parachutes. He gifted me a set of paratrooper boots to use while skydiving...

It was a nice thought, but most of the time I'm running out a landing, not doing a PLF (Parachute Landing Fall). The boots were extremely tight around the ankles for support on landing under a round parachute. They were less than useless for jumping a ram air chute. They were in my closet for almost 20 years, before I decided it was time to make some space. Zero jumps and probably less than a few hours of wear, because they were just not comfortable, since they were designed to save your ankles landing under a T-10.

Yes, I informed my brother emphatically that I could not use that type of boot in sport skydiving, but typical of my family someone else knew better of what I was doing than I did.

They bought you thing they were sure you would like and tought they were thoughtful. Maybe they expected other kind of reaction and depending how you declined it, it very well may feel like you threw their nice thing against their face.

To most people, especially the spouces it may not be about the present, but the idea behind it. Like i dont generally think my wife knits very good socks. If i would go shopping socks my self i would never pay anything for that quality product. But i know my wife thinks i need to keep my feets warm and she is thinking me when she makes them. Saying her socks are bad would not be review of the product, but attack against her.

I would say just swallow your pride and use the newer nicer thing and thank them for thinking about you, but say in the future you want to get similiar things yourself.

she wants that thing that you use all the time to be from her, while she watches you use the new one and to give it the age that shows all the wear and tear that you will put into it

she probably respects that you respect and cherish the old one and maybe she doesn't want you to go without if it fails which all things will do in time

maybe you should put the old one in place that lets you see it as a trophy or momento while you use the new one and enjoy the gift your love has gifted to you

Well my advice would be to not pick a fight over a mildly annoying gift, but you seem to have your compass set to your priorities. So good luck, hope you work it out.

You have to explain why in a much clearer way.

Explain that you do appreciate it. Explain that if you hadn't had the prior thing you probably would have loved it. But now, it's a change, and it's a big change, in several ways, including the nostalgia factor, and you absolutely appreciate that this thing is newer and more expensive but it doesn't YET make sense for you to make the change and because of that you don't want to make the change.

And because of that, it will just be sitting unused and you don't like the idea of it sitting unused.

It felt bad to you to not use a gift.

And that, wanting to keep what you have, not wanting a change, and not wanting it to sit unused, is why you suggested a return, and not because you don't appreciate it.

I think you'll have to explain the "not wanting change" bit the most, by explaining why you feel that way. Maybe try finding a similar comparison. Imagine you'd gift them expensive jewelry or clothes they feel they couldn't ever wear, maybe something they couldn't wear together with their favorite clothing. A bag that would only sit in a closet. A tool that does more, but is heavier or whatever. Whatever that feels relevant to them, that makes them understand why you feel like you don't want to make the change, not yet.

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How should you have initially responded? Hard to say without knowing the people around you, but I'd say it would've been safe to say something like "oh, I don't know if I can replace the current thing yet, I like it too much, and it's got so many years left"

In other words, tell her that the gift was indeed great and that there's wrong with the gift except timing, and emphasize you do not fault her for anything, you're happy she thought of it, you're sorry your reaction made her feel bad, you should've communicated better, and you'll make a change to communicate better.

Perhaps even say something like "I probably should've told you I wanted to use this current thing for much longer, I should've explained more about how I think about these things and how I plan". Because your initial response sucked honestly, and you need to make sure your phrasing don't make her feel she made a mistake.

If she really likes being able to give you gifts, and if she now feels uncertain about being able to give you future gifts (this is very likely, by the way!), you should consider implementing that "communicating better" thing - for example (you don't need to do it exactly like this, IT'S AN EXAMPLE) by maintaining and sharing a list of your existing things plus a wishlist, with details like "don't replace before" and "replace no later than" and "required specs: XYZ". And if she likes feeling like she can put her own touch on it, DO NOT present it as "do exactly this", but rather "you can take inspiration from this".

When someone who's in your daily life gives you a gift, you:

• Don't return it
• Don't tell them you want to return it
• Don't hide it

Can't say much more without knowing what the thing is.

I have a pretty firm "just don't get me any presents" rule. It's taken some time to gain compliance with this rule. Similar to the shirt rule, I assume you gave some of those presents before being asked not to? Try the exact same approach that was used on you. Then you might have to reiterate it every once in a while.

"You shouldn't have, I appreciate that you noticed how much I use the old one, this is awesome."

That's the response that you should have used. I get where you're coming from with the shirt comparison, but it's not the same. YOU like nerd shirts, not everyone does. She gave you a better version of something you use on a regular basis.

Sounds like you got the gift, and same day/party told them you're going to return it?