Ask Lemmy

Back in college, a female friend hooked me up on a blind date with her friend. Hands down she was the cutest girl I'd been on a date with at that point in my life.

After some back and forth it ends up being a double date, which was no big deal. But it was with a random engaged couple I didn't know. Which was fine. But they picked Macarroni Grill or Cheesecake Factory or similar restraunt on a Friday evening. It was like an hour and a half wait. The couple wanted to wait, there was a mall nearby, so the other couple went off by themselves shopping and left us alone.

So, for the next hour or so I tried my hardest to engage in conversation with this girl. I've lost count of how many first dates I've been on. My small talk/get to know you banter is solid. But it was no match for her lack of social skills and one word answers.

I tried everything and ran dry WELL before the couple finished shopping and we actually started the meal. We sat on a bench and I'd break the awkward silence with the occational: "So, see any good tv/movies lately?" Only to get a "Not really" back. Or "What sort of hobbies do you have?" "None really".

She didn't come off as disinterested or bored. It felt like she wanted to be there, but if we were a ven diagram the only overlap would have been our mutual friend.

It was the most painful 3 hr date of my life.

Went to the biggest theater in the country, fancy place, fancy people. Girl tried to open a puffy bag of popcorn by smashing it between her hands (like you'd do in a barf bag prank). Loud bang. Popcorn everywhere.

I didn't really hold it against her, but she felt so bad about the embarrassment she hated the sight of me forever from them on (we had common friends so we kept meeting many years after).

Had actually been dating this girl for about a month. It was 4th or 5th date and she wanted to go play pool. Which was fine with me as at the time I loved to play pool and had my own cue. So I took her to one of my favorite pool places where we could rent a table by the hour.

We had been there about an hour and stopped to get some food. The place had a bar with food and TV's all over the place.

We sat down and started eating and talking. Nothing serious, just chatting between bites.

Then she drops this: "You're one of the weirdest guys I've ever met."

Somewhat shocked I asked why... Her response was that I wasn't watching the football game playing on all the TV's.

I took a moment and looked around and sure enough most, if not all the guys in the room were glued to the TV... I looked at the game playing, saw a football game, shrugged and stated that I've never been much of a sports fan.

That ended the relationship. We talked a couple more times after that, but we never went on another date. She called me about a month later complaining that some guy she met in a bar won't return her phone calls. That was the last time I ever spoke to her.

I still don't watch football, baseball, soccer or basketball. I'm a skydiver, why would I care about some game that only requires one ball?

Long time ago. Went on this date from a dating website. She seemed cool online. We talked about cooking, hiking, and gaming.

Within minutes of meeting up she got put out a really weird vibe. She tried to change our plans from meeting at a bar for a drink to some expensive dinner place. I said no, lets just get to know each other first. She got angry, but stayed. Kept telling me how weird I was but she thought I was cute anyway. OK. We ended up going to another bar after like 20m, that was basically the same as the one we were in but she thought it was nicer or something. OK.

After sitting down at the second bar, and ordering a drink, she gets serious and stares me in the eye real hard and goes 'What is wrong with you? Why aren't you in love with me yet? I'm trying so hard and you must be messed up in the head to not be totally in love with me by now. Every guy I meet loves me within minutes of meeting me." I just laughed my ass off at this absurd outburst. She got so angry, like gripped the table and starting ranting on and on about how men suck, how stupid I am, how amazing and hot she is, how pissed off she was because I should be eating out of her hand.

Anyway, I let her rant for awhile, maybe half an hour? She basically started talking to herself and like trying to convince me to bone her, and also going on about how she was some yoga teacher and had mental superpowers or something totally ridiculous. I finished my drink and dropped cash on the table and told her what a wonderful time I had, and I'd never like to see her again. She was completely mind-fucked by that and went totally silent. In her delusion land apparently no guy could ever not want her.

She sent me a bunch of really weird texts later and I ignored them. I've never met such a totally delusional weirdo before or since. Ever since that date I refuse to date anyone to references Burning Man as something they like doing.

Drove a significant distance to pick her up.

Our planned outing date turned into "come hang out at my place"

Come hang out at my place turned into "oh I'm actually at my mom's house RN but she's on vacation and I'm just house sitting"

"I'm just house sitting" turned into "I'm 26 not the 38 I stated in my profile, and my mom is here but don't worry"

That turned into mom sending her text messages asking what the fuck this weird old guy is doing in her house.

That turned into me leaving under a cloud of complete embarrassment.

What a fucking dumb cunt.

Nothing fancy. Date one after a couple weeks of talking. I made it clear I wasn’t down for physical shenanigans yet. After a drink he got a tiny bit handsy. Second drink, he moved to my side of the table and tried to get very handsy. I paid my half, said I was ready to leave without becoming confrontational. He clearly thought my boundaries had changed with a couple of weak drinks. On the walk to the car, he continuously tried to bully me into kissing him (absolutely not) and then tried to shove me in his car after pressuring me into a hug goodbye. I bit him on the titty and drove home like a maniac.

They invited me to a pool party. When I got there they were baptizing people in the pool. Yeah, stayed for the hot dogs though.

You guys go on dates?

This time I went to see friends downtown, some I knew more than others. We hung around for a bit, then went to the place of a chick I didn't know well. Then after a short while everybody left and I was alone with the chick. Clueless virgin me didn't know what to do with himself. It felt awkwars. We talked a bit, then I left. It must have taken me a full day and night to realize it was a set-up date. Of course later on the chick wouldn't have anything to do with me...

I used to use this as an icebreaker, until I got a very uncomfortable response from a female colleague. Turns out that whilst men's "worst dates" are usually weird or awkward, and tend to make for good light entertainment and a little window into their lives, women's are way more likely to be sexual assault related... Made me wonder how many answers I had heard in the past were glossing over some trauma that didn't need to be brought up in a social setting.

I now usually rely on the way more positive "what's the next thing you're looking forward to?".

Tinder date, my train was late so late so we meet at the train station and walked to the bar. On the way I had a smoke and he told me in lengths how he quit smoking a while ago and how good it was. That's when I realized he talks with a fake deep voice, sounded like he's trying to imitate Batman..
At the bar he switched between small talk and his seemingly hot roommate, he's definitely not interested in, otherwise they would have had sex already (obviously!).

On the way back to the train station he wanted a cigarette from me.

Nothing bad, just weird flexes all over. The voice killed me..

Friday the 13th 😯

I was stuck in a shitty backpackers on top of a ski mountain with 3 random Russian dudes, swiping on tinder, when a man named Moses gave my a bag of shrooms for free. Moments after I ate them, a woman matched me on tinder and wanted ed to meet up. So I walked further up the mountain to a fancy lodge where this tinder date, I shit you not, introduced me to her family, who were clearly millionaires. There was a gala that I was absolutely not dressed for, and I spent about 30 minutes talking, eating canapes, and tripping motherfucking balls before realising I was too high and getting higher, so I just fucking bounced, went back to the hostel and did about a week's worth of shits in 1 hour to the dismay of my angry soviet roommates.

Not a word of this story is made up.

I had talked to that girl in a karaoke bar once and we swapped numbers. Had forgotten about her but half a year later she texted me if I was in for a date the same evening. Should have been a red flag already since this is weird, but I was curious... and horny. Date: after 10 minutes of small talk and funny banter she told me that her boyfriend is at home and does not know she's on a date. No idea why she told me. Was she waiting for some approval? Anyway I was flabbergasted but didn't decide to call it off right away (I should have but again, I was curious ... and horny, even though a little less so now). First hesitated and a few bars and drinks later I decided it's her responsability not mine and we had some fun later that night and never came back to it until a few weeks later she texted me a whole 'novel' full of reproaches, as if I we had had a long relationship and I had broken up on her or so. Absolute weirdo. Friendly reminder to always always ALWAYS wear a condom (I did).

She did not turn up.

A friend set me up on a blindish date with one of his coworkers. She never showed!

Blindish because I used to hang out at their restaurant all the time so she presumably knew who I was.

Probably August 9th.

Oh wait how could I forget this one.

Yeah it was a sex date, whatever guys & girls, we all do it.

She came over with the specific intention to fuck me senseless, she brought toys, bondage gear, everything.

She was on top of me doing all kinds of things involving wet genitals rubbing against each other. She had my hands tied and I was loving it.

The next day, I get like 75 text messages about how I put my penis inside of her without her consent.

Let me again underscore that she came over with the explicitly stated purpose of us fucking, and she brought gear to enhance the fuck.

I let her be in complete control of me, and yet somehow in her mind, I had crossed a massive boundary because at the moment the tip of my dick slipped in, I did not have her sign an explicit contract stating that she now consents.

I mean my D was completely soaked with pussy juice at that moment... and she was flicking the tip up and down her labia ... like really?

And just to clarify for anyone wondering, she proceeded to screw me silly. All under her own control because we arranged it that way!

I formulated a lawyer-like response, telling her that she came over with all the equipment and she was the one in control and she was the one that put my penis inside of her without asking ME. And then I blocked her.

I don't know if this counts, but when I was in grad school I had a Tinder date set up at a local pub. I got food poisoning the night before. The "fireworks" ended around 1-2 am and I felt confident enough to go to sleep a couple hours later.

By the time I woke up the next morning, I felt that I could at least meet up for a couple of beers and chat. Plus, I figured telling her I got food poisoning would sound like an excuse to weasel out of the date.

I ended up sitting outside the pub to meet up for a half hour. She never showed up, and I finally gave up asking if she'd show up a couple of times.

Gal was a friend of a friend. Met her in passing at a show one time and said we should go out. She invited me to come over hers and we'd go see her "friend's band play" at a nearby bar. Got ready with her and her roommate. Was around Halloween so I intended to splatter a bunch of fake blood and paint on myself for a zombie - her and her roommate helped and she helped herself to apply up under my torn up shirt so I was thinking "wow this is going swimmingly already".

We go to the bar she seems to know everybody and keeps handing me free liquor. Watch a couple bands, talk to a bunch of her friends, and I'm honestly having a great time also getting pretty drunk. She introduces me to this one dude and the vibe is weird like he's being subtly hostile. Turns out this dude was the "friend" in the band.

Anyway night goes on late she's hanging onto me off and on, pretty handsy. We decide ok time to head back to her apartment - I'm not really expecting anything but she's been sending pretty big signals all night and I'm happy to get back to hers. As we're leaving her "friend" in the band calls after her. She tells me "oh hold on" and goes to talk with the dude. Conversation seems involved. I kind of just hang around a bit awkwardly just listening to the lingering conversations around me unsure how long this is gonna take. Eventually 20-30 minutes go by and I'm looking around and they're nowhere to be found.

I'm pretty drunk and about 3 miles from this girl's apartment - I decide fuck it I'll walk back. I had left some things in her apt so I needed to get them.

Get to the apt after a long walk and knock. It takes a couple minutes for someone to answer - gal in question answers the door disheveled and scantily clad and says oh hey I'm sorry uh I kinda lost you. I'm kind of mad at this point and just say "yeah I just wanna get my stuff and use your bathroom if that's alright." She stares at me a second real awkward and says "uhhhh yeahh I don't think that's a good idea" and it clicks for me.

I burst out laughing my ass off in the middle of the night on this empty street. I tell her "dude just bring me my things please". She doesn't say anything else but goes up and brings my stuff down. I wait 30 seconds, piss on her front porch, and go to sleep in my car. Drive home hung over next morning.

Worst is a bit vague. Do you means worst in the sense of the girl, or me, being a real nightmare to deal with, or do you mean 'worst' as in ‘some random/stupid shit happening'?

As for some random shit happening (that would have been happening in my 20s, many decades ago), would being puked on in a pub, by my completely drunk best friend while he would have been trying to curl into my arms shooting into my ear, and for everyone around to hear, how much he loved me right when the girl I would have been waiting for would have been entering the pub... Would that count as a possible worst date? The girl would have been the classy kind of girl, the kind that would have made her parents proud and make a few classy boys chase after her. Exactly not the kind of girl I would have imagined ever willing to date a thing like me. But there she would have be, standing still, while would have been trying to get rid of my collapsing best friend.

Just asking because, quite obviously, nothing like that ever happened. And the girl, quite surprisingly, also never offered me to accompany her to her (absent) parent’s house to help me clean up the mess. Never.

To be honest, I did not have that many bad dates. I had a lot more failed attempts at dating, as I was already very clumsy, shy, and not handsome... And I had a few odd dates too, on occasions. But those would be a story for another thread ;)

28 February 1987.