Ask Lemmy

As a parent, I'd feel that I had failed on some fundamental level. That our kid reached a point where taking their own life was a more viable option than talking to me? Yeesh.

Knowing someone close in my family whose young son committed suicide (and being a parent myself), I can tell you that it destroys your world. You will replay all of the times you could have prevented it for years to come. You will doubt every interaction you had with them, playing out scenarios that never happened trying to unwind what went wrong. It tortures you. Tears you down. The journey afterward is bitter and you react different toward those who haven’t endured such a loss.

Basically, from what I observed, if fucking sucks more than anything and nobody should have to endure that. It’s not worth it to do that to your loved ones.

Are you safe? Do you need help? I’ve ran across your posts from time to time and most of them are concerning to me.

The question is horrifying enough to shut off all reason and make me want to disengage entirely with the question, if that answers your question.

Incidentally, it’s the reason that when more of the population were parents, movies never killed kids in the end; it doesn’t just shock, it shocks to a level that breaks immersion and suspension of disbelief— I don’t get scared, I think “oh, this is just a movie with actors and whatnot”. (Now parents are less of a majority, so studios are more willing to push this boundary.)

Terrible.

I would feel, that i failed make you come with your problems to me and we could find professional help.

Or something.

But out of nothing would be terrible

I would feel terrible guilt that I failed to prepare them to live in the world they were born into. I would accept the blame, fault and responsibility.

Hi! I'm in my 40's. My dad is ten years passed, and my oldest brother died in a total freak accident. Before I was born. One of the last things my Dad said was "I'll say hi to your brother for you." My brother died right before Thanksgiving. We never celebrated Thanksgiving, not for my whole life. My mom still gets weepy at Thanksgiving almost 50 years later. This was an accidental death. I don't think my parents would have survived a suicide. I had a co-worker at my last job, hadn't seen him in maybe five years, we never hung out, random texts every now and then, not a part of my life. He just killed himself in November. I have spent the last month asking myself if I could have done something, if I had only known...

Suicide affects people you don't even know! Hell, I found my co-worker irritating and immature, but I sincerely wish he had called or said something, I would never wish that level of despair on someone.

I know you wanted the parents' perspective, but this is something I struggle with regarding my own suicidality. There's even a meme that people don't kill themselves because "mom would be sad"

I often think of the family I'd be leaving behind. Mom would never understand. Dad would probably get it, but suicide has a funny way of being contagious and I'd worry it would push him over the edge. My wife says she'd hate me forever.

Grief is really fucking hard, and when people kill themselves the survivors play the blame game with themselves. Surviving your child is probably the most difficult thing a parent can do, and to torture yourself with the fantasy that you could have saved them seems like a special kind of hell.

When I'm at my lowest, it feels like bullshit. Like honestly, my life has been so terrible that I want to end it, and yet people will carry on like they'd be the victim if I did. Maybe if you blame yourself and think you could have helped me, you could do it while I'm alive and asking for help.

When I'm calmer I realize that nothing they could do probably would have helped. It still burns me up though - people talk about suicide like it's the most selfish thing a person can do. When you're already miserable it sure isn't great being made to feel miserabler. It makes me feel like I deserve to suffer - and that means continuing to live.

Anyway, I've been suicidal for just about thirty years. I figure I'll give it another thirty, by then I'll have outlasted my parents. Plenty of time to find meaning before then

Are you expecting a spectrum of answers to this question? A couple of “fucking awesome”s among the obvious “awful”s?

I have weird perspective i would be obviously very devastated, sad and heartbroken with ton of questions but in back of mind my mind i will remember “ Sometimes one’s pain is far to great to continue living.” the idea of them not being in pain offers some sort of tranquility/peace. I would never want my child to die by suicide , I hope they would find something to fix/ease pain but sometimes life doesn’t allow you to stop the pain you might feel. It’s deep and emotional thing to think about because their is so much questions to why . I myself struggle with suicidal ideation and thoughts during pain crisis episodes because it feels like my pelvis is being shattered and pain is absolutely unbearable that nothing touches pain , I feel so many things in that moment and my thinking becomes foggy /unclear . It brings you to a very dark place . I would like to think that everyone should live in world where they do not suffer and have correct options in terms of suffering from either mental or psychical pain . Sadly those who suffer tend to die by suicide because of system flaws and over flow , shame and deep frustration of suffering. The Mind can go dark really fast when their is no support or common understanding and when thoughts are to far gone . You can have someone say i love , encourage you through your struggle but if your pain far to great , it where you fear the most . I really do encourage people to get correct support and help before it consumes them. I think what you will get from this comment is their pain ,deep emotional aspect of losing someone to suicide with understanding to a possible why .

Absolutely devastated. I'm sorry your mom got angry with you when you asked her. I don't know her, so I don't say this to try and excuse her behavior, but a lot of times people react in defensive and inappropriate ways when they hear something that's truly scary and they don't want to allow themselves to even think about it. Or it could be she worries about how it reflects on her.

I had a similar relationship with my mom when I was younger, and when I told her stuff like that, she usually also got mad at me and didn't believe me/thought I was being dramatic. I didn't realize it at the time, but she was a big part of why I ever felt that way to begin with.

I hope you can remember your own value isn't implicitly tied to her (or anyone's) opinion of you, and that your feelings are always valid. Sometimes it can be hard to really sort through and process your feelings and emotions, especially when the person that's supposed to teach you how to do that, isn't really setting the best example.

I find it helpful to just take some time (maybe 10 mins) every day or a few times a week, and just write in a notepad all your feelings. Just let them come forward without censoring yourself or worrying about how it sounds. You don't have to go back and read it, and it doesn't have to make sense. You can delete it as soon as you're done and it's just a way to let it out and label your emotions when you can't verbally express how you feel.

If you find yourself activated or really upset after writing (or anytime) and you're willing to give it a try, there are a lot of somatic breathing and stretching videos that can help calm your nervous system down when you're in an activated state.

https://youtu.be/5XntUJOVZfc

It can feel kinda silly and woo woo at first, but it can be pretty surprisingly helpful.

I’d feel absolutely devastated and I’d most likely destroy myself with guilt.

This may be a harsh thing to say but to me (outside of a very small few situations) suicide is one of the most selfish thing to do.

You bring all of your own internal pain (that has a chance to get better if the right help is found) and to instead impart it on everyone else in a form that is unhealable because what was done can never be taken back.

And this will affect parents probably more than anyone else but it will also affect everyone who was even remotely involved with you. Your memory will always be pain because of how it ended.

I have grieved for "normal" deaths for decades. Grief never goes away, it just goes in the background. I hope I never have to feel the grief of someone close to me committing because I'd be a constant wreck.

Talk to someone close to you, please. And if you feel there's no one close to you, the distance is relative and skewed inside of you. There will be someone who would do anything to help you, sadly sometimes it might end up being someone you've yet to meet.

I would feel very bad.

I've had some moments where my teen was so fucked up mentally that in my very private thoughts I kinda suspected that they might do it. And in that very stressful situation, in my very private thougts, I would've understood that decision.

But if they actually had done it, all that fog would've cleared immediately and it would have sucked more than anything could suck.

edit I sure hope you're not thinking with a single atom in your body of doing it to spite your parents.

I'm outta here the moment my parents die tbh