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I'm just trying to find a explanation that "hey maybe deep-down they love me" and use that as a reason live. Like idk how to explain it... feeling loved such a powerful motivator to live.
Like the sadder they'd feel, the more likely I'd appreciate living.
I don't wanna die, but like I really wanna like visit an alternate timeline where the alternate-me does die of suicide, and like I wanna see my parents reaction... Like I know I probably sound sadistic af, but that's not what I meant, I just want to have the "proof" that they care, so with this knowledge, I can finally purge the thoughts of suicide away from my brain... know what I'm sayin'?