Ask Lemmy

Theres a fish for every net, my friend

bro that is manly as fuck. keep doing you because it's hella manly to be gentle and caring and nurturing.

you need to stop worrying about all that "not alpha/sigma male = not attractive" self-doubt. you also need to stop worrying about your attractiveness. you're already attractive to some people. just find people you really enjoy hanging out with one on one, and eventually you'll land a partner.

Well you appeal to most women? No. Will you appeal to some women? Absolutely.

Not only can you do that, in some circles you will need to wear a lifejacket to keep from drowning in pussy.

Rather than worry about trying to be universally attractive to everyone, think about the type of partner you want to be attractive to. There's certainly no shortage of potential partners who are into that. Anyone who isn't wouldn't be the right fit for you anyway.

Yeah, definitely. Women who love guys like that are more common than people think. I know a bunch. I married one. Stay upbeat and financially self-sufficient and you can find someone who's right for you. The idea that you have to be a tough guy to get dates has evolved from a misconception to a fucking psyops.

By the way, as a bi guy, I have never considered a man "adorable" or "a sweetheart" unless I thought I'd enjoy dating him. I must presume that women are often the same way.

Here's the top 3 things that the Lemmy community loves the most:

1. Linux
2. The though of elon musk getting hit with a blue shell in Mario kart
3. Femboys

So you're good

(jokes aside any aestethic choice will be attractive to some people and a turn off for others, so you might as well be whatever makes you feel good)

I see no issue here. A man can absolutely be 'cute' without being any less of a man. Masculinity isn't about rugged looks, strength, dominance, or any of that shit. It's about self confidence (not arrogance, just being comfortable being yourself) and giving to others, both of which you seem to do well.

Honestly, I'm surprised you haven't found a partner to match you yet.

I am the exact same way. Good on you for acknowledging it and recognizing it. I love romcoms, Jane Austen movies are some of my favorites, and ffs I literally made and mod the Taylor Swift community here. I'm very straight, but also in touch with my own emotions. All of masculinity says that I would never find a woman and that I'm doing everything wrong.

Except I've been married and ina committed relationship for well over a decade now. My wife loves that I'm open with who I am. (I took her to the Eras tour!).

Toxic males are sexist in many ways, but one is that they think of women as single thinking people. That women want hot guys with fast cars, and that you'll never get one without. That's like saying that all men like playing dnd, or all men want to drive a big truck. It's asinine. There are over 4 billion women on this planet, and a good many of them do not care what kind of truck you have. In fact, most of them would think you wasted your money on it.

Leaning into this will probably garner attention from the right sort of women for you. The ones attracted to "traditional masculinity" (which is kind of a trap in some respects anyway) probably wouldn't be attracted to you sexually in the first place, based on what you describe here. So you don't really lose anything by what you plan to do. Go for it!

And if anyone gives you guff about it, tell them to fuck off (or whatever response appropriate to your vibe, but carrying a similar message, works best).

Just wanted to say that our modern ideas of masculinity are far from universal and largely ahistorical. It's okay to be exactly who you are.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Male_Renunciation

Coined by British psychologist John Flügel in 1930, it is considered a major turning point in the history of clothing in which the men relinquished their claim to adornment and beauty. Flügel asserted that men "abandoned their claim to be considered beautiful" and "henceforth aimed at being only useful".

You do you. Someone will love you and it's better that they love you than a you you're pretending to be.

Not being traditionally masculine does not make you less of a man.

The man who moved me most in life was a sensitive, artistic, nervous, sweetheart of a man, whom I doted on, had him sit on my lap while he cried, cuddled and kissed him until he felt better, called him sugary names (lamb, darling, sweetheart), pet him often, and just absolutely loved on him.

Men often get upset if you refer to them as "cute", and I was unable to feel any of them put me on equal footing before him. The fact that he was emotionally open and outright with his feelings was what had attracted me to him in the first place. I am absolutely not a "dominant" person, but my desire to protect and love him in this was something no other man even allowed me the opportunity to do.

I recall saying that something was "cute" while we were out, and he quietly asked "am I cute?". The answer was, of course, "Yes, darling! Of course you are!" If he wanted me to, I would have moved all the stars in the sky for that man.

Men (often secretly) desire to be desired, and it is weirdly seen as a more feminine urge. However, men who identify as masc can still desire the sensitivity of desire. Nothing feminine about it.

There are women out there who will desire what you have to offer. It may be a search to find them, but they are out there.

Good sir,

The yoga community is starved for healthy male presence (practice at most studios as a man and you will be a distinct minority).

This community values the same gentle and nurturing approach you have realized that you embody. The fact that you are introspective, respectful and self aware just makes it an even better fit for what you describe.

I cannot think of a place more accepting of individual differences and the persona you describe would be very welcome in those spaces.

I wouldn’t recommend this to someone who was just a pussy-hound, it wouldn’t be welcomed.

Yoga is a sex-positive and body-positive philosophy that doesn’t focus directly on sex usually, but instead helps one become a more rounded person, part of which is healthy relationships that may include physical intimacy.

You seem to understand boundaries and respect. So this suggestion is more about how to build the kind of community where your unique gifts are valued.

I have built many valuable relationships through my practice, most all non-romantic but all very supportive. From that foundation however, my more intimate relationships have improved immensely too.

My two cents

Yes you can! I’m quite the same way and you may enjoy checking out !femboy@lemmy.blahaj.zone :3

Hey I just want you to know I’ve been going through some really complicated identity stuff lately and your post was really therapeutic to read through. I think I underestimated how much toxic masculinity influences my confidence and comfort with my identity. Thank you for sharing this, I can’t wait for you to meet somebody who appreciates you for who you are. You are a man and I love the way you express yourself.

Did you see some of the guys at the Oscars this year?

Colman Domingo SLAYED it.

https://www.instyle.com/best-dressed-men-oscars-2025-11689188

We can have sash belts now? Nobody told me!

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Woman here, you sound cute. in a good way <3

I would imagine that a cute appearance involves attention to detail. Get your hair cut more often. Pay more attention to your skin and nails. Find a good moisturizer.

I have no doubt that you can find a lovely woman who is attracted to you. I used to be a girl fawning over a guy calling him cute and we've been together for ten years now. Maybe it is helpful to drop some hints that you are looking for a (hetero) relationship, like invite your girlfriends to help you swipe on tinder/bumble, let them know what you are looking for.

What's your age range? I think it's possible more younger women would want the stereotypical masculine man, but I think over 30 and maybe earlier, women tired by the superficial masculinity would be attracted by your kind of personality. Personally I like a balance of both.

Fuck this "manliness" bullshit. Wear a skirt. Punch anyone who makes a thing of it. You do you, boss and you do it to be happy with yourself. Nobody else gets to decide that. Nobody.

Be outgoing and funny and you’ll find what you need. Hell, most likely it’ll come to you. You wouldn’t want one of those chicks who fawn over those “masculine” man-children anyway.

Your first paragraph is like looking in a mirror lmao. Hi!

Dating your typical woman was a path to constant failure for me growing up. My endless mixed house parties throughout college never lead to anything sexual let alone romantic either. Stuff like that. Failing to attract each other, there was just an obvious disconnect. I'd get plenty of initial attention (mainly because I'm extreme tall), but once talking we slid off each other. Maybe you get what I mean more than most. Took me too long to figure out why I couldn't find a partner. One nickname was Gentle Giant among friends. I was so unsuccessful people accused me of being closet gay.

Don't find male mind/bodies attractive, and said house parties included very gay and very open roommates. In the end I figured out mentally masculine women do it for me, and there's mutual interest within that grouping. Non-binary especially. We really like each other. But there's a subsection that really matters to me:

and expressing a desire to protect me.

That just does it for me more than anything else. Often found in people who have another quality... something I struggle to describe. People Who Seem To Collect Good People? Best I can do without writing paragraphs. Maybe someone else can do it justice.

So the short answer is: I can only speak of my own bumbling around in this weird thing called life. Possibly experiment more. It could be the problem isn't you, but who you pursue!

Shorter answer:

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but IRL is the good stuff. Usually they're not in a dress though :P

A term for a similarly related self-appraisal popped up in the early 2000s of Metrosexual. Obviously it has faded, but was for a time a steadfast declaration by plenty of men at the time (I was one of them). I'm old now so my pulse on such things has waned - but hell yeah, brother - you do you! That's always attractive imo.

there is a billion dollar market for boy bands all over the globe, all of whom have a member who looks like your description.

In aesthetics - yes, people of all genders and orientations like that look/style in their chosen inamorata.

I fundamentally disagree with your premise. Being caring, vulnerable, gentle is in no way incompatible with being manly. All require a lot of courage, strength, and intelligence. I do not think that manliness should be defined by its most toxic representatives.

I also heard an interesting take on this: we technically do not have a definition of what “manliness” means, as currently society is built around hating and oppressing women. Boys are told “don’t be a girl”, pretty much - don’t cry, don’t be ‘emotional’, don’t compromise, etc.

I think you should be grateful that you weren’t indoctrinated into being an abuser and instead managed to become a “real man”.

If you have trouble breaking the friendship barrier, consider getting in touch and expressing your romantic side more, because the qualities you describe are super attractive

Yes you can! There are many straight femboys for example

That's totally fine! You can still ask people out just the same as anyone else. Love finds those who don't explicitly seek it out. Form friendships, and love is a natural extension of that.

That goes for any sexual orientation, too. Being nice to people goes a long way.

The way to my heart is kindness, gardening, and shortalls (because God, people look so cute in them).

Cute works, I know several cases where it did. If you feel like you don't emit the sexy vibes enough, try to think of ways you could express your sexuality in harmony with your cute style. Cute doesn't mean asexual, but you need to show it in some way. Perhaps look at how cute women do it not to come across as childish and disinterested in sex - it can be done, cute, wholesome and sexy can coexist well.

Yes now get off social media.

I was the exact same way in high school before I came out as trans and had no problem interacting with women and even had 2 romantically interested in me because I was soft and sweet. Stick with it and you'll find someone. Don't let other guys bully you into throwing it away, being true to yourself is a form of confidence and confidence is sexy.

There are definitely women who like and appreciate a partner like that. Particularly, demi-sexual women would absolutely love a supportive and caring partner. Pansexual women could too. Many women may not realize they're demi or pan and don't usually advertise themselves as such, but they are there.

I myself don't act very masculine and don't relate well with other men. I identify as the gender apathetic flavor of non-binary. Not being masculine or feminine in mannorisms. I appear male, but like you, my mannerisms are gentle and caring. I definitely have had women friends see me "as a little brother" and cared about me in a platonic way... I don't know if there's a way out of that 😅... BUT they will help you find a date.

When I met my future wife, I let her know I wanted to date her before being friends but after being aquatinted. She appreciated my politeness and care and reciprocated it back. We've been married for 10 years now. Found out later she was demi-sexual. She didn't find me attractive at first (she didn't find anyone truly attractive), but she did as she loved me more.

Two thoughts on this:

1. There are probably way more men out there than you think that feel very similar, but are ashamed to be open about this, especially towards male peers, and therefore build a facade of manly manliness that doesn't reflect their actual personality.

2. There are probably way more women out there than you think that like exactly this personality. Dude, a lot of women like women. Women are usually not very manly. So if there are enough women liking women, there are enough women liking dudes like you. Don't worry. Lots of women aren't attracted to macho-type guys at all.

Don't feel bad for being cute, you do you - which also may or may not be the dream of a woman 1+ ft. taller than you.

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Dont write off masculinity altogether, it's not inherently negative and doesnt just mean being an aggressive gymbro.

Not gonna give ya any specifics, but I know as I've gotten older, the best parts of me are are traits i try to balance the masculine and feminine elements to work in concert, like ying and yang.

As someone who is probably 3x your age and has been around the block a few times in some non-standard social circles, let me assure you there are plenty of women out there looking for exactly what you described yourself as. Are they the majority of , probably not, but who cares? You aren't looking to date 500 people, just 1.

Be yourself and go find her.

I am certainly not in your target demographic, and personally yeah it would be a turnoff but it would be really stupid for you to try to change and be unhappy - you don't need everyone to appreciate you in a romantic way, you only need a few admirers, right?

Looking at the people my kids date (more likely your age) they don't seem to have the preference for "manly men", none of them. They like guys who are not afraid to be soft, not afraid to wear nail polish or look 'girly' or whatever, they seem to find guys who do the Masculine thing actively off-putting. So you are in a good cultural moment I'd say. I think you will do fine being yourself, also never think it's a weakness to be gentle and caring. Most people want to be taken care of to some extent, just make sure this isn't a one-way thing, you take care of them too.