NTA - if someone describes themself as toxic and then goes on to exhibit extremely toxic behaviour, save yourself the pain and get rid.
PS, removing a condom during sex without permission is a form of rape.
this post was submitted on 16 Sep 2025
54 points (80.7% liked)
Ask Lemmy
34592 readers
1256 users here now
A Fediverse community for open-ended, thought provoking questions
Rules: (interactive)
1) Be nice and; have fun
Doxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, and toxicity are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them
2) All posts must end with a '?'
This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?
3) No spam
Please do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.
4) NSFW is okay, within reason
Just remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either !asklemmyafterdark@lemmy.world or !asklemmynsfw@lemmynsfw.com.
NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].
5) This is not a support community.
It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions.
If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email info@lemmy.world. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.
6) No US Politics.
Please don't post about current US Politics. If you need to do this, try !politicaldiscussion@lemmy.world or !askusa@discuss.online
Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.
Partnered Communities:
Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
This really freaked me out because on the first time we had sex, she took off my condom without permission and then said, when I didn’t want to go all the way, “You don’t trust me?”
Biggest red flag right there. If you say no and she pressures you, that's more or less sexual assault.
The rest of her behaviour does not sound remotely healthy. It sounds like she was playing your emotions for whatever reason; with the hang ups, not answering, deflecting everything, etc.
You dodged a bullet.
Given the horrific treatment it's more like the bullet grazed them. What a fucked up thing to experience.
Holy shit. Neither of you are ready for a real relationship.
She is a toxic dirtbag and you need to learn to love yourself more than the person with whom you are in a relationship.
If I didn't love myself, I would've stayed in this relationship. She was not my source of happiness. I learned to let go of her, even if that meant losing my first potential girlfriend.
I believe I am ready for a real relationship, just not with her. It was complete mental torture.
There are so many examples in your post where you place her above you and she is not equal in that return.
It is challenging, especially when you think of things like, "Love means sacrifice, or hard work." And those statements are not wrong, but they are also easy mechanisms your brain uses to justify why you let someone shit on you.
I am coming from a marriage of 20 years and after getting therapy, finally realizing just how I much I enabled the treatment I received.
Sex is such a strong urge too, ESPECIALLY at 20. That and fear of loneliness.
I've got something that is worse though. 20 years I will never get back because I convinced myself if I just kept loving her, she would eventually love me back the same. That I just need to be strong and the sacrifice is worth it. Now I don't even really know who I am anymore.
You got this in a short dating period.
I am not red pilling or any of that other chauvinistic bullshit because this applies to both partners.
Almost every single example you presented was reason enough, on its own, to leave her.
But you twisted yourself into thinking there's no way this is what it is. You must not be seeing it right, there must be some justification for her behavior. It must not be a big deal, or you are "over reacting".
That can be anywhere from poor self esteem to just putting your partner on a pedestal.
If your partner does something that makes you think, "I could/would never consider doing that.", in a bad way, it is most likely not an equal or healthy relationship. (This mostly applies to how they interact with you and others.)
You are NTA, you just need to respect your own boundaries, even when it hurts.
- A ten-year age gap is a huge red flag if one of the two is literally 20 yrs old. No offense to you, but as someone in their 30s, I cannot express just how much of a different place you’re in between 20 and 30. Straight up, 30 yr olds shouldn’t be snooping after 20 yr olds (and yes I know she’s technically 29, but the point def still stands).
- What she did would be considered sexual assault to many people, myself included. Lying about condom use flies in the face of consent. Not trying to pathologize, but I sincerely hope you’re okay. You mention wanting to kill yourself at one point. Based on everything you said, you should NOT be in a relationship with her toxic ass. Not trying to be cute, but you should consider talking to a therapist about what you had to go through. Cuz that’s a lot for anyone to handle.
- Fuck ICE
- Break up, move on, and good luck.
I was never planning on calling ICE. I was asking because if she were to take me to court, I would tell her to take a DNA test (My friend told me she needs to have citizenship for that or else she can't collect). I'm sorry if this is a short response, I'm currently at work with limited time to respond. I kmow It's fucked up, I know, but I would never do that to her ever. Not at all my intention. I was really in love with her at first before she made that joke. I wrote her a 3 page letter, played guitar anf sang for her, etc. which had a part in her wanting to "stay" with me I believe. It was also my first time going all the way, so when she said that, I literally freaked out inside and didn't know what to do. This is also my first date ever.
EDIT: Just got out of work, I read the rest of your comment. Thank you for the support because it really did mess me up badly, I should probably go see a therapist. I was in complete stress for 3 months until that other coworker told me that he saw her down the street (she lives by work) and said she's not pregnant. This is from a coworker I trust.
No one said you were planning on calling ICE.
It’s just something that gets said in general, because fuck ICE.
Oh, okay, I understand.
Fuck ICE.
Edited my comment, I misread the citizenship part. That was entirely my fault, and I apologize to you for insinuating as that you’d involve ICE.
Everyone sucks here.
she took off my condom without permission
Removing a condom without consent during sex is sexual assault. You're absolutely right to break off a relationship or go no-contact for this. In many jurisdictions, you could press criminal charges.
I even called an old coworker to ask if she had her citizenship because I was trying to avoid child support.
That's not OK even if you're very scared.
Your comment addressed everything I wanted to. You’re spot on.
He was definitely raped by her physically (condom removal) and mentally (sexually controlling, baby leverage).
He was wrong for asking about citizenship. That’s a fucked up level to go to for her actions, however vile. It’s pretty racist in my opinion because he wouldn’t ask that if she were White.
My verdict is he’s an asshole for the end part, but not for breaking it off.
That's not your gut telling you something is wrong. That is your reason, your logic telling you something is wrong, because something IS wrong.
Forcing unprotected sex on someone is rape. Putting it in context with the age gap, it's predatory as hell.
If this is real, you did the right thing. Learn from this experience.
Nta, and not shaming you at all op—I was twenty once too—this go for everyone that needs to read it: when someone tells you they're 'toxic', believe it (and fucking run).
I would say she seemed toxic imo. Good thing you left. I would probably say the only thing you could have done better was to be direct and break things off straight away. Or try to explain to her why she made you uncomfortable instead.
NTA it sounds like she has a very poor sense of humor and doesn't care who she hurts. Taking of a condom without your partner's consent is extremely f-ed up. It's a form of SA.
The only thing you did that rubs me the wrong way is asking about her citizenship as leverage. I understand you were acting out of fear due to a situation she created. Still though, it's pretty scary to be Latin right now and even more so if you're not a citizen. Still nta.
Totally understand. I just felt like I couldn't trust her even if she said no or yes, and I don't believe she would've taken a pregancy test. She also kept holding me up on dates for about 4 weeks after what she said, then I told her I wanted to break up. She still was trying to get back with me but I was intentionally screwing things up to get her to leave. I was really scared of her after that moment, which is why I tried to seek external help from that coworker. My mind was looking for an escape at that time because I was thinking about suicide. It's a very terrible situation and I hope you can understand where I was at the time. (Still not okay, but I just couldn't handle the stress)
Like I said, you are nta in the situation. She put you in a horrible, life threatening situation. You acted out of fear and you did no harm. I just think it's important to recognize the harm that could have been done. Consider it a lesson learned and an opportunity to move forward as a wiser, and perhaps stronger person. Sending you love.
This girl's the dirtbag. NTA in my book. Holy cow what a ride you were forced upon....
Edit: Now that I think about it, I wonder if there's an AITA thing on Lemmy. If not, I'd be happy to make that.
I don't know, if only it didn't attract all kinds of creative writers and compulsive liars, in search of sympathy and sweet sweet upvotes... "I kicked my son out and disowned him because he didn't like my ketchup ranch lasagna AITA"
Yeah. I like the concept, but half of the ones I saw on Reddit were obviously bullshit written by teenagers who think that real life plays out like movies.
That's completely understandable, and a valid concern. I could potentially think of a solution to rat out the creative writers and BS'ing teenagers (or AI slop).
I'm always assuming devils advocate whenever I see these posts. I gave up halfway through the first paragraph. The first time its nothing more than a distasteful joke and is ultimately probably pretty funny when all is said and done. The fourth time is a repeat offender and it was always intentional get the fuck out of there holy shit dawg RUN.
But am I wrong for dumping her?
Fuck nah, that shits fucked up bro. The only way I would get back together if she agreed to go to therapy with me; IMO she herself has some deep seated trust issues that it seems she's not entirely aware of.
AITA for breaking up
No.
She’s a crazy person.
Nope.
You were wrong for having a relationship with a coworker. Don't shit where you eat as they say. I would avoid any girls like this. removed the condom. wtf. I would assume she was inviting anal at that point.
Trust me, I learned my lesson. I am never doing that again.
I'm sorry you went through all this, it legit sounds like the whole situation broke you mentally, when things that are this high stress go on for that long, it can really fuck you up.
People rarely listen to good advice when the fun mistake is staring them in it face. The not dating at work thing isn't for when things go right, (a lot of people get married having met at their job) it's for when things go bad like this. You are trapped with them! Like you said, lesson learned, don't keep beating yourself up.
Next time, and don't let this scare you off of dating in general, communicate with your partner before that the idea of knocking up a partner is a genuine fear, set a clear boundary. Good on you for resisting getting back into the situation once you had been made truly uncomfortable.
The only line I’m confused about is “she didn’t text you for the entire day”
So she was taking a day… so?
Am I missing something there?
Other than that, taking off the condom without permission is not cool. But why didn’t you stop the interaction at that point? Did she have you tied down or restrained where you couldn’t stop her? What prevented you from stopping things?
She didn't text me the entire day on the same day we were supposed to go on our date. I was also drunk when she took it off. Sorry for not clarifiying that.
Thank you for the clarification.
I actually have no input on it. beyond the items I have already said because I haven’t dated since about 2005 or four.
You both sound like complete assholes her behavior is completely inappropriate as is your "citizenship" nonsense to "avoid child support" is also completely toxic.