Ask Lemmy

I understand that how you feel, and I also understand a mother's beliefs. While what she's saying is probably superstition, it also comes from a place of love, where she truly does want you to feel better.

Now, while what she said may be superstition, I will also say going to an event like that usually does help depression. Not because of anything mystical - but you're out of the house, you're with people who you care about and care about you, for an evening you don't need to worry about anything outside of the wedding, it is meant to be an event to enjoy. All of these are proven to help with depression, and an event like a wedding definitely can, if you go into them positively and want to have a good time. If you go into them thinking you're going to have a terrible time - well, you probably will. It's what you make of it.

Either way, responding to your mother's good wishes doesn't have to be extremely negative, (and this is coming from a person who's mother was a fundamental christian who tried to drag me to many many things). In this case, personally without knowing you I'd say go to the wedding. Worst case you get free booze and a decent meal. If you really don't want to, then a simple message to your mom that's like "Mom, I truly do appreciate that you're trying to help me, but I'm just not ready for an event like this. How about we do something quieter?". Acknowledge her trying to help, suggest an alternative.

Final thought: Could it be that she wants you to go with her not for your sake, but for hers? Does she need a plus one and she just wants to spend time with you, but maybe doesn't know how to ask?

the last time i went to a random person's wedding i won their lottery for a pillow-blanket so you know what to do

(also what you mentioned is normal chinese thinking)

That's a big reaction for such a harmless superstition.

Some Asian parents are like that. Just ignore them saying spiritual shit but do attend the wedding

So, this is superstition–a superstitious understanding of real phenomenon, that being around people you like can snap you out of your bullshit and kind of reset your brain.

She also thinks weddings and family are that–because she's stupid irrational and totally disconnected from reality.

When I was young, we had great big family get togethers.

My parents divorced when I was like 5. On my dad's side we did Thanksgiving in the fall. And my grandma's birthday in the spring.

On my mom's side we did a birthday party every few months and put the closest names (3 to 6) on the cake. Christmas and Easter too.

Now that most of the older generation has pass away, we don't get together until someone dies. And that sucks! Want to be happy to see each other, but the circumstances suck. So I'm usually pretty happy to have any reason to see them nowadays.

But if it's only going to stress you out or give you a panic attack, don't go... Not everyone was raised the same or grow the same. Do you.

I can't really say anything about the spiritualism.

There are so many beliefs out there, so many of them are horrific, this seems fairly benign and harmless. I think you should count yourself lucky. Could be so much worse. She believes spending time with people at a happy occasion is good for your soul, not that out there really.

A lot of people here don't know Asians culture trying to apply their western doctrine here.

While I don't fully disagree with what a lot of comments here have said, I'm not sure if that's exactly what you want.

But yeah, if you decided not to give a shit, then you have two options, the first and obvious one, which has been mentioned by other comments, would be the nuclear option: pretty much just cut off all communications with your entire family. If you do want to preserve some relationships while not giving a shit, then prepare to receive some awkward stare and be talked behind your back.

If you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your family, then you should attend that wedding. Otherwise, you better have some goddamn good excuse.

In total, you have four options.

You cannot “prove your mother wrong”. Ever. She’ll just find another explanation, no matter how convoluted or irrational, which she will comfortably believe. One of the keystones of many religions is the importance of faith over concrete proof. You cannot use logic to change inherently illogical, closely held beliefs. Tolerance, patience (and, when circumstances call for it, respect) is the best way to deal with people who insist on thinking this way.

You can, however, make choices for yourself. DO NOT GO TO THE WEDDING IF YOU DON’T WANT TO. You are every bit as entitled to your beliefs as she is. Under NO circumstances are her beliefs more “real” or “important” than your own.

A person’s religion gives them rules that THEY have to follow - not you.

Idk whats up with your mum but you should be attending weddings you are invited to

Like I don't even know this random cousin lol, we don't even live in the same city, why the fuck did they even invite us to be a guest in their stupid wedding ceromony, like, I ain't your friend lol.

Do you really know that little about your own cultural heritage?

NGL, you're really coming across as the asshole in this situation here, not your mum.

Never deal with people who are religious or 'spiritual'. They are all delusional and batshit insane. Turn around, walk away, never look back.

Going to prove your mother wrong is unlikely to work on her side. "You have to be open to it", "you have to accept it", "maybe not this time". There's a lot of ways to deflect.

There's psychological, social, and cultural reasons why people make those kinds of connections, form or follow those kinds of ideas.

For you, I think the question is, could the exposure and social interactions be positive [influences] for you, and how do they compare to the negatives you feel and wrote.

Eh, I think a lot of people cling to ridiculous superstitions because the world is scary. I get impatient sometimes with stuff like that. I can’t whistle at night, I can’t go to the beach during ghost month, I have to pay my wife a dollar if she buys me shoes, etc. I think it’s all silly but I wouldn’t trade my wife for anything.

Did she drop out of middle school?

Don't go, you'll just be establishing a precedent.

Maybe she's aiming for you to have a wedding hookup. I bet there's someone nice waiting to meet you, and neither of you even know it yet. But you're awesome, and your mum knows it! But doesn't know how to communicate it without using magical talk.

You need to look into trepanation so the ghosts in your mom's brain can escape.