We always imagine personal defense weapons as a hand held point shoot thingy.
We do? What is wrong with a baseball bat? Or a sock filled with quarters?
this post was submitted on 30 May 2025
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Both require a lot more effort to stop a threat and can be captured and disarm you at their effective range.
If the fight starts when you're already at a close range melee weapons have a very decent chance of coming out on top over firearms. Maybe not the sock but bats and knives definitely.
The loser of the knife fight dies at the scene the winner dies on the way to the hospital
Knives have an advantage at close range at causing potentially fatal damage vs a gun, but a gun can still kill you if you don't gain control of the muzzle. With a common pocket knife, your best bet is a fatal throat stab or slash to ending the threat because anywhere else you can't reach or won't act fast enough. Maybe you can disable an arm if you can separate a muscle or sever a tendon in the forearm, but we are getting into experienced knife combat there. Not that knives are relevant, we were talking bats and a sock with coins.
A gun would easy win against someone with a bat or coins in a sock, the gunman only has to get in contact range to reduce swing force or get out of contact range. The bat or sock with coins is a 3-4ft radius of danger, the gun basically has range dependant on skill.
A gun would easy win against someone with a bat or coins in a sock
After being hit with a bat, I'd wager about 2 in 5 people would still even be holding their gun. If the bat hits the gun, hand, arm or head, 0 in 5 are still holding that gun.
Now that's assuming the bat gets a swing in, but in close quarters it's entirely possible.
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DMT clouds making them connect to the universe and lay down 4 minutes
High voltage contact shirt. You touch me, you fry
also good for making grilled cheese sandwiches
The best defense is avoidance. To that end, a personal time-travel / prognostication device that could both predict danger and chronoport you back to before danger was imminent would be the ultimate defense, though suppose not strictly a "weapon".
Put it in front of a group of DND players, or any other table top RPG really.
They'll weaponize it before the session is over.
Magical aura that reads intentions and zaps people. Diablo 2 paladin auras essentially.😺
Foot held point shoot thing
Laser eyes.
Now you can just look at something you want to destroy without using your arms.
Telekinesis helmets.
Now you can just think about destroying something you can't even see.
Body odour
Or that guy from Mystery Men who farts.
A gun that shoots tiny missiles that aim at the attackers butthole and once they hit they release a jet of freezing water up their butt.
The first time I ever tried a bidet was right after I installed my own. It was one of those bidets that attaches under the toilet seat. It took me a little while to actually attach it, because my toilet had a really weird connection point and was in the world’s smallest bathroom. But after some struggling (and a lot of swearing) I managed to get it done.
I plopped down on that thing like it was a porcelain throne, and I was its rightful king. I had been holding it for a while, (due to the aforementioned struggling to attach the bidet to the damned toilet), so the groundhog was already peeking out to look for his shadow by the time I got it attached.
After doing my business, I confidently grabbed the dial, and cranked that motherfucker up to 11. Up to that point, I believed I was a king… But I sat on a throne of sins. I believed I would simply be greeted with a cool shower. Like Icarus with his wax wings, I was full of hubris. I had flown too close to the sun, and was hurtling towards Poseidon’s icy depths. You’ve heard of Poseidon’s Kiss, where that little droplet of water splashes up and touches your butthole after you pinch one off? Poseidon got all the way to fifth base, in about a quarter of a second… And he didn’t use lube. It instantly blew water so far up my ass I could have brushed my teeth.
But that’s not all. In my shock, my hand slipped off of the control knob. By the time I managed to find it and turn it back off, I had received what felt like a peppermint colonic. And you know what’s even worse than getting your guts rearranged by an icy fire hose? Feeling it come back out afterwards, and it still being cold. My dear reader, I implore you to take a lesson from my mistake… After installing a bidet, check the water pressure before you use it. It turns out, mine had enough pressure to spray all the way out of the bathroom door, and hit the wall on the opposite side of the bedroom. I had dialed that bitch all the way up to 11, when I only needed like a 2.5…
All of this to say… I can sympathize.
Sounds like a great way to prepare for anal
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Wait, why would you want to make your attackers horny?
Ummm, adding an optional pepper spray missile if the first one was not effective...
Personal forcefield with a shape of my choosing, activate either by s simple device or algorithmically based on external factors. Great for safety but also handy as an umbrella.
Temporary blinding LED flash weapon, stink bombs, vomiting, reciting the Captain Ahab monologue from Moby Dick where he's telling them to split their lungs with blood and thunder and crack their oars and backs.
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personal satellite with Hatsune Miku licensed voice assistant for targeting and fire control. A few lasers of different frequency, a railgun, maybe some emergency snack pods with little chutes.
Something that makes me disappear instantly and teleports me to the pub down the street. Cold beer is better than hot fight.
What if it's a bar fight
This is why I have cannons loaded with grapeshot in every room of my house. Never know when I'll need to remove a thief from existence.
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Probably some kind of autonomous thingy. Like, a drone with a Taser or some shit.
Self defense is a fantasy of control. If you want to eliminate threats to yourself rationally, eat more vegetables, take care of your mental health, and drive carefully.
Ah yes the infallible recipe to never be physically assaulted
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I've read somewhere and I'm not sure if it's true that there is a device that can be inserted inside the vagina which will essentially bite the rapist's penis and the only way to remove it without destroying the penis is via surgery.
I believe it's called Rapex.
Yo-yos.
maybe like a rapid mandatory communication field that makes talking it out feasible in all instances
If anything were possible, I have always liked AE van Vogt’s fictional weaponry:
In "The Weapon Shops of Isher", the defensive weapons sold by the shops are advanced ray guns with integrated force fields, making them highly effective against government and criminal threats. These weapons ensure citizens can defend themselves against tyranny and oppression while upholding a policy of non-aggression, aiming to foster a more just government over time.
The weapons can somehow be used to defend but not be used in an act of aggression. And the force field protects the bearer.
A fun read if you are into golden age science fiction.
A small knife? A hand-held stabby thingy.
Balls that orbit around you (think magneto of x-men)
Anti-tankie mines
Spontaneous Human Explosion guaranteeing Mutually Assured Self-Defence/Destruction.
Like 2 Kings in a Chess game, you can't be next to each other.
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A tank full of sharks and gloves that dispense a sticky concentrated chum mixture with each hit. Get a couple good body blows in, knock them into the water, let nature (+/-) take its course.
A wand. They want to take your wallet? HOW ABOUT SOME CRUCIO YOU MOTERFUCKER!
...that's a handheld shooty thing
Some sort of impenetrable energy barrier or whatever that would absorb/reflect whatever fast kinetic blow/projectile would be ideal, IMO. I'd rather have the absorb version so I could just berate them for being violent instead of just getting killed by a bouncing bullet, lol.
Bag of little isopod shaped robots. They are fast moving with nuclear batteries and tungsten carbide shells and lots of sharp edges for chewing and burrowing through flesh. They can also dig into the ground a few inches and hibernate like cicadas to protect an area. Not wireless networked but instead have onboard processing for voice commands, use sense of smell for IFF and echolocation to coordinate their swarming.
Couldn't stop a gun, but they are a deterrent against using it because if you shoot me we both die but you die in a more horrible way.
A halberd, comparatively easy to use, long range and quite versatile.
Omnidirectional body mounted claymore mine.
Just watch your hands.
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