Ask Lemmy

Some opinions as someone who has been on the other side of this:

1. Recognize that if she decides to not divorce you, from now on, no matter what you do, how much of a new leaf you turn, etc., there will always be at least a little bit of doubt about you. That feeling when you find out you've been cheated on by a long-term partner never quite goes away - it gets smaller and less nagging, but never completely disappears. If you want to stay with your wife, you're gonna have to accept this.

My discovery happened almost a decade ago. I would have been well within my rights to dump her ass and never talk to her again, but I didn't. I thought it was at least worth trying to stick around and see if we could work things out before doing that, given we made that whole "till death do we part" oath and were still breathing. She was not owed this - I did that for me. Things are better, and we are in a much, much better place than we were. Still, this pops to mind at least once a day, and has every day since it happened.

2. Go see a couple's therapist yesterday - first, to create a venue where she can express her feelings about all of this, what she wants to do, and what she needs; next to start having an open, 100% honest discussion about where your head is at and behaviours, and finally to start shopping tools for completely transparent communication going forward. Treat this seriously and pay fucking close attention.

3. Follow this up with some therapy for yourself - very few people choose to cheat because they're loving life. Start identifying where you need to work your own shit out. Again, take this deadly seriously. Encourage her to do the same.

4. 100%, no exceptions, complete and utter honesty and transparency going forward. She wants to see your phone? Hand it over. She wants to know where you're going/what you're doing? Tell her, with proof. She wants you to have a tracking app? You download that shit. She wants the nastiest details about what the hell happened? Do warn her you're concerned it will hurt even more, but if she wants to hear it anyway you tell her. By dint of your actions, you've lost your right to both be in the relationship and keep a self-defined level of privacy - if you don't like it, start looking at divorce. If you two start healing, the need for this kind if stuff may start to diminish as the level of trust comes back up.

5. Check in with her, often. How she's feeling, what she needs, etc. Pay attention, respect it even if it involves something that may hurt you emotionally. Do NOT throw shit in her face - keep in mind, YOU'RE the one who fucked up, and who now wants to move on with her as your partner. She just discovered her husband did one of the shittiest things a spouse can do to someone they claim to love. It's a very different experience.

6. You could do everything right, do all the therapy, open communication, working on yourself and the relationship you want. If she decides that she can't do it, she can't. Recognize this. Accept this. She doesn't owe you shit.

Not gonna lie to you man - you have a tough row to hoe. I will say, with time and a shit ton of work, it's possible to remain together, and both of you be happy about it. But there will now always be a pre-cheating and post-cheating division when thinking about your marriage. The goal, if you are remaining together, is to build something much better and stronger than what you had before. That may happen, that may not. But putting the work in gives the greatest probability of success.

Best of luck to you - seriously, you fucked up, and fucked up BIG, but we are all human, and therefore liable to fuck up. No matter what the outcome of all this is, learn from it and grow.

Pro tip btw:
You can't hate yourself into being a better person (I've tried). All you can do is continue to show up with love and compassion and grow into who you want to be. Bonus if your partner actually cares and will join you in your journey.

Ok, let me try to approach this seriously.
You need to figure out some things:

1. Why did you cheat

• Because you were angry with your wife?
• Because you like the other woman?

2. If a similar situation arises in the future how are you going to react

• "I won't do it again" is not a good answer. "I'm going to do X instead" is better.

You don't have to respond to us here, think about these things and talk about it with your wife.

You can't, really.

If you, for the rest of your relationship, never cheat again or even give her the impression in any way that you are interested in another woman thats not her, anytime a situation arises where this might be in doubt she will question if you cheated again, even if it's just to herself.

You broke the glass. You can glue it, but it won't be as before.

My two cents: go to a professional(instead of random internet strangers), and ask why you did it. Try to fix the part of your relationship that led you to seek out another person in the firstplace.

Ask her, not us.

Open communication is a must. Ask your wife. She's the only person who can tell you that.
But don't ask in a way that makes it her responsibility to solve this issue.

The initiative to fix your relationship must come from you now. Don't make her ask or wonder.
You have to do the work now, and hope that's enough for her.

A good first step would be a shared calendar where you input all of your appointments, activities, meetings with friends, etc.
Just to show her you aren't hiding anything.
She can use it for her schedules, too. But that's her decision.

I dont agree with the people saying its impossible. It does take time and efford but its not impossible. I know a couple, together for about 10years at the time where he not only cheated but then even broke up to be with the other woman. It didnt last long. After about 2 years the original couple came back together - it was a slow transition of meeting because of the Child, meeting AS friends etc. It was very hard in the beginning. They did a therapy for couples which helped a lot, but still sometimes she would make a comment on the matter even a few years later. But It got less with time. By now its gone. They are one of the happiest couples i know with more trust in each other than i have Seen in other couples. Because it was an active decision to stay AS a couple. Because they had to speak a lot about their relationship after that event and went on doing so, what many couples stop with time. And the therapy surely hepled with that process. I dont know how Bad your case is. If a therapy is needed and how openly you discuss your feelings. But try to signal your wife how much this event showed you that you want her - of course only if the case. And decide together how you can fix things that lead to this event. Maybe do one date per week Where you take time AS a couple. Or one hour per week to discuss how your relationship is going what you liked what you didnt like in the Past week. Sometimes it will only take 10min and sometimes you'll need the hour.... I think something in that direction could help a lot and just proposing it shows your wife you want to change.

If you want out of the marriage, then this is the time. No point in working on a marriage you don't want.

If you want to stay then:

Couples counselling. Seriously. It is not cheap, but it's a lot cheaper than a divorce. It also resolves unhealthy tension and issues in the relationship. You might even get out of it with a lot better marriage than before you cheated.

Do that for a long time. Show that you care by taking initiative, and resolve this with a counsellor and your spouse.

I also believe it is possible to regain trust, and to forgive.

You did a bad thing, but don't let it define you. Now you got to set it right, show her that you actually care about her. Do the hard work and make the relationship stronger than ever.

You should not tell anyone you cheated, if your wife does, then you have to accept that. She might feel that this affects her honor and standing amongst other people. So let her decide if people should know or not.

Anyways, good luck! Be patient and be kind. You can do it! 👍

I've been in your position. If you really want to regain your wife's trust, the only thing you can do is be someone who is trustworthy. The rest is up to your wife.

In my experience, the worst part of cheating isn't the act itself. It's starts off simple enough. You just tell some "small" lies about where you've been or where you're going and your spouse most likely shrugs it off. But lies compound and suddenly you find yourself stacking lies on top of lies, trying to hold back the sea of lies. You begin to feel like the story of the dutch boy trying to plug holes in the dam with his fingers, except you built the dam and filled the sea behind it with shit. And you know if you don't keep plugging holes all of your shit is going to come spilling out. It becomes fucking exhausting.

I looked at the person I had become at the end of my affairs (as in multiple) and I hated him. He wasn't me. At least he certainly didn't feel like me. At some point I decided I didn't want to live like that anymore.

There's a lot of merit in the phrase "the truth will set you free." You can tear down the dam and drain the sea of lies. But when I say the truth, I mean all of it. Your wife has a right to know the whole truth, down to the last detail. To her, your life has to be an open book. She needs to be able to ask you anything and know that you will be honest with her, even if it's something she'll be hurt by. In fact, it's ok to preface answers with something like, "I'm afraid my answer is going to be hurtful but if you really want to know I will tell you.

Living your life with integrity is hard sometimes but it's still much easier than living without it.

Regaining trust takes time. Often a long time. Generally, you can:

• communicate often and be specific about things; create expectations and then deliver
• accept that she has a right to be angry and mistrustful, don't be resentful
• avoid even the appearance of wrongdoing
• ask and be considerate of their feelings; if they are uncomfortable with you doing something don't do it even if it seems unfair or silly

They are sort of mourning the loss of the person they thought you were, and don't be surprised by grief or rage, but it should become less over time.

Good luck.

As others have said, open communication is critical. It is necessary but not sufficient.

You've probably been thinking through why you cheated and continued to cheat. However it can be really difficult to go deep get the true answer by yourself - brains tend to generate reasons/excuses in a way that minimizes your responsibility and preserves your ego as best it can. If you try to explain what happened to your wife and give a facile or self-serving excuse, you could make things far far worse.

Many people find that the process of talking with a professional (a counsellor or therapist) can get deeper than doing this by yourself. You will get to a more profound and authentic understanding of yourself and of steps you can take to be the better person you want to become. By knowing yourself better you are able to properly apologise and explain to your wife why you betrayed her trust. You will also be able provide some evidence that you are not going to do this again. Broken trust takes a long time to repair - self discovery and improvement is a process, not a single event.

Another thing to consider is whether you and your wife can have constructive conversations about what happened and what your hopes and wants are for the future. If conversations rapidly devolve into arguments and anger, it may make things worse (but every relationship is different). If you worry that those conversations may spiral out of control, or will not be productive, I'd suggest doing this with a neutral, professional third party like a relationship councillor who can facilitate the conversation.

Those are a few ideas - they are certainly not comprehensive and YMMV.

Time my friend. Time. And the understanding that she will never trust you fully again.

Mariage Conseling. Internet strangers aint paid for this shit lol.

Presumably, you cheated because you had issues going on that you at the time felt that the other person could satisfy. You should probably make an effort to go to therapy to show that you are really working on yourself.

I think you can answer this question yourself. If the roles were reversed how would you answer this question?

Would you forgive her? How? Why?

You can't. Ever.

Trust is like glass, once it's broken it will never be the same again

Why did you do it? Let's start there. Please unpack.

She likely has not forgiven you, she is saying those words so she does not have to deal with the consequences of your actions now, but can choose her own time. The only real way to go on permanently with someone who has cheated is to stop thinking anything of them. If they cheat again it doesn't matter, they mean nothing to you.

Earning back trust takes time and openness. Be patient and attentive to her lingering fears/doubts/pain and just do your best... what that involves is for you to figure out, you know your wife better than anyone... but there's certainly hope you can fix things if you are truly done with being "a piece of shit"

You should probably ask her

Why did she forgive you? Do you think you're worth the forgiveness? What made you think cheating on the person that put their trust in you would be something you could come back from?

Best thing you can do it walk away, and learn from it, have principles, don't fucking betray the trust someone puts in you.

Nobody is perfect and trust can be earned (back).

Show her you learned both what trust means and how valuable forgiving is. And not just when it's something you need to be forgiven for.

Like others have mentioned: making it a habit to talk about everything is key. 'Talk' meaning to openly discuss or dialog about any issue, aka say what you think needs to be said and listen to what your spouse thinks needs to be said too, not blaming the other or venting (venting is good too, at other times). You both need to do that in order to solve any issue before it can grow into anything more serious.

Not at all coming form someone that cheated on his spouse, that is in a 25+years and counting relationship that is still growing stronger.