Ask Lemmy

You're talking to the wrong people. My life got so much better once I got married.

Because the married men you are talking to are either trash, married to trash, or are not compatible with the person they married or too early into their marriage to tell.

I can't imagine marrying someone that I didn't consider a best friend. I adore my wife, and my life is infinitely better with and because of her. Our first couple years were rough, but we've both worked to improve. We have each other's backs, support each other through thick and thin, laugh with each other, and just generally compliment each other's weaknesses with individual strengths.

I detest wife hating boomer humor because it has never once resonated with me. If you don't love them and don't love being with them, why marry or stay married, go be happy elsewhere with someone else.

I think you're talking to the wrong people, or you may be taking them too seriously.

Is my wife frustrating? At times.

Would I rather be single? Not even fucking slightly.

Years ago when I told coworkers I got engaged I kept hearing “you’re making a mistake” and “why?” I knew immediately that these dudes were losers that did not value their partner as much as I do. I could not imagine being without my wife. She is my best friend, companion, champion, confidant, partner in life among so many other things. Find the right person to share your life with, marriage is an investment.

I would guess is that the people most vocal about marriage are the ones who are the most unhappy with their marriage.

I wouldn't know though, I'm not married.

I think there are many reasons.

Some people are legitimately miserable in their marriage because they shouldn't have gotten married. They married for the wrong reasons, or to the wrong person.

Some people complain about their spouses because they think they have to. They do it like a bonding ritual. If you don't join in, you get excluded.

Finally, since you say every man you talk to says being single is better, I think it might have something to do with who you're talking to.

If you were talking to me, I wouldn't say being single is better. However, I married the right person for the right reasons. I've been with my wife for over 39 years and married for 32.

Relationships require a certain degree of maturity from both parties. I know some people who have been married multiple times, and I used to wonder how they had the energy for a second, third, fourth marriage. Then I realized it was because they aren't putting any effort into the relationships. They weren't looking for a spouse. They were looking for a substitute mommy or daddy.

13 years in relationship, 3 years married, my life is better than I ever hoped for and most of it is because of my wife, zero regrets although hardships do happen, its all about the partner you pick

Abusive relationships and mentally ill women are more common than society allows people to admit.

No matter how good the benefits are, people in an abusive relationship can't truly access them.

You talking to people who have encountered that. It's truly incomprehensible to people who haven't experienced it. Hence the wide uncross-able gulf between the two sides.

I've been married nearly 20 years. My wife and I have been together for longer than we've been apart.

I cannot imagine life without her. And yes we bicker a lot, but I wouldn't trade our connection and friendship for anything.

Except maybe to be able to talk to the dog.

Married 7 years, wouldn't trade it for the world

That said, being single is easier/less complicated.

Marriage is all about compromise, it's basically impossible that you're going to 100% agree on absolutely everything with your spouse, and you're both flawed humans odds are once in a while you're gonna do something that pisses each other off, you're going to have to occasionally put your own stuff on the back burner to help with theirs etc.

And that's hard for a lot of people.

And arguably might be even harder for a lot of men with toxic masculinity, societal expectations, gender roles, etc. not gonna pick that apart too much right now.

Also, in a lot of cases, it may be worth not taking things too seriously, everyone's got a different sense of humor, and jokes don't always land the right way. My wife and I pretty regularly joke about wanting a divorce, but it is absolutely 100% a divorce. I usually get threatened with it over making a stupid pun or dad joke, for example, hardly serious grounds for a divorce.

It's misogynist tropes. As is the 'monogomy ain't natural' bs.

As others have said, you're talking to the wrong people or affirming a confirmation bias, or a combo....

The grass is always greener. Anecdotes aren't proof.

And, ymmv!

one of the many reasons I've heard is that men are unhappy with the financial benefits it entitles the woman to.

IMO receiving money in the event of divorce is one of the few ways a woman is protected while living a "traditional" lifestyle; when she leaves the workforce to care for a home and children, she's both giving up a the opportunity to save and invest capital, AND she's giving up becoming experienced in her field. Giving up the experience means she that if she loses financial support and attempts to return to the workforce, she would have to do so in a junior role in her field, if she can find work at all. Things like alimony and division of assets are, at least imo, a completely fair compensation for the unrespected but very real work of homemaking.

And while that's ultimately not a lifestyle that suits me personally, there are a lot of men who want a tradwife, but don't respect that that's going to require them to be a trad husband. One of the reasons I got married as a working / career oriented woman was that I thought my domestic house husband deserved financial security in payment for supporting my career. I think a lot of it really does just come down to the underlying misogyny of not considering homemaking to be a legitimate profession when it's been fundamental to society longer than written record.

Grass is always greener, innit?

Because happy people don't talk about why they are happy.

Just like kids. People usually share the hardships unless prompted to share the good memories.

We like to share our struggles and commiserate so that we feel better. When we are happy, we don't need to do that.

• Compromise is hard.
• The longer you are together, the more you have to lose.
• Sex becomes inconsistent or dead bedroom.
• What's yours is hers and what's hers is hers.
• Your hobbies aren't as important at times.
• Juggling family.

Probably because they're stuck in the patriarchal ideas of wanting a bangmaid, mother and therapist while thinking their duties end when they are off work.

I think everyone is different. Five years married here, 10+ together. I fall more and more in love with my husband year after year which I haven't heard from a lot of people happening.

My husband has always loved me. We talk about marriage vs single a lot because a lot of our friends still involuntarily single. We dont miss being single and are in a very healthy, strong relationship.

We have our own hobbies, space, etc. But still like to spend a lot of our time together but dont need to. Sex is better and as frequent as the start. I mean, whatever you want from your relationship just communicate it and have someone that matches those preferences, goals, whatever it may be.

Really it's all about what you think marriage actually is. You can have a real partner in life, if that's what you want. There's really two paths that you can take when you get married: you and your wife against the world, or you and your wife against each other.

You and your wife against the world feels great and is way better than being single.

You and your wife against each other sucks and being single is so much better.

It takes two for it to work, so if you ever intend to marry, ask your fiance what they think marriage is before you say I do. If they think marriage is some happily ever after fairytale shit then wait longer or just stay single.

These "you're talking to the wrong people" answers are stupid.

There are plenty of both happy and unhappy marriages.

What exactly have they been saying to you?

I’m a married man and I’m glad about it.

Having stability and confidence that the person you love is there for you and going to stay there for you gives a wonderful and peaceful confidence.

Is marriage the only way to get that confidence? No.

Does marriage guarantee you will keep that confidence? Also no. Nothing is certain in this life.

But standing up in front of all your friends and family stating clearly that you intend to stick to and support this person for all your life, in a ceremony that everybody understand more or less the same way, is a really good base for building stability.

Ask them why they stay married then. I have a lot of male colleagues who partake in "boomer humor" about how much they hate their wives. But they shut up real quick when I remind them no-fault divorce exists in our country (for now). I think they just like to whine and complain because admitting they have any sort of emotion other than anger is something they look down on.

Depends who you talk to. Clearly your circle is limited in it's views.

14 years married. I waver daily on if I'd be better off alone.

Rose colored glasses. I got married in my late 30s and while there are things i don't like I won't go back. There was too much lonelyness

Are all of them maybe three years in, by any chance?

I suspect there's a worst time period in every marriage after the novelty wears off and before the incredible experienced sex and great communication starts.

I imagine how long that low period lasts and how bad it is varies between marriages, too.

Edit: And do they happen to have a two or three year old child? That shit can be exhausting. Thank goodness kids get older over time.