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I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional
I believe that this is the better way of being a man.
They who told you that this were a bad thing, they were wrong. Very wrong. And their concept of patriarchal men is not just outdated, but bad, really bad, bordering at criminal.
I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me
Or maybe a majority.
Yes I would also say a majority. The majority of women are attracted to nice men (i.e. "cute[,] ... delicate[,] ... caring affectionate, and emotional)
I want to believe this is true.
But because I have such a hard time talking to people I know, talking to people I don't know is just... Not in the cards. I can't just pass notes to women in a bar or a coffee shop, that would probably be weirder than anything I can think of.
So even if it is true, I won't ever get to experience it.
I can’t just pass notes to women in a bar or a coffee shop, that would probably be weirder than anything I can think of.
Confirmed, that would be super weird. Don't do that.
Instead, work on improving your ability to talk to people generally. First friends and family that you trust. Then work on meeting new people in structured social situations - new coworkers, hobby clubs. Then in unstructured social situations - bars, concerts, public events in the park, hiking on nature trails. Then, if you really want to, you can make typically non-social situations social - striking up conversations with cashiers at the grocery store, saying hello to neighbors walking around your neighborhood, saying hello to someone who looks like your kind of person at a museum.
This work is best done in tandem with working on yourself internally. Learning to love yourself and love your life unconditionally. The more you love yourself and love your life, the more people will like you, and the less any rejection will hurt.
As you become more comfortable and confident interacting with the world platonically, you can then start taking some baby steps into flirting. I don't recommend thinking about it too much right now. Work on improving at talking to strangers first.
Yeah I'll let you know how that goes.
I'm 34.
Sweet, so you still have 2/3 of your life ahead of you where you can improve!
I was in a similar spot - hated that I was so poorly skilled socially, felt like I couldn't read a lot of social signals (I suspect I'm somewhere on the autistic spectrum), and hated that I felt like I was destined to be alone.
Couple of things helped me with this. First, I researched how flirting works. As in, I started reading research papers about it online. This was a few decades back, so I'm afraid I don't have my notes anymore (and they'd probably be a little out of date now anyway); but I do remember that I got comfortable enough I could start experimenting with conversational approaches.
Next step was to practice. Any time I ended up in a socially comfortable setting with someone I didn't know, I'd try to do some small talk. Keep it low stakes, try it out on people you don't expect to see again, and see if you can get them to chat a bit. If it works, great! You've found a process that might work with others, and brightened someone's day! If not, well, they're not likely to remember you in two hours anyway.
After that, I started looking at online dating sites, and would practice the same process that I found worked for me - lighthearted jokes and expressing an interest in whatever they brought up, or what was on their profile; and following up with conversation about that. I have no idea if the same thing would work these days; I understand that the dating sites I used back then have gone downhill since. In my case, I had several first dates, ended up hitting it off with someone, and now we have two kids together!
I think the main thing is, to echo blarghly, see if you can get yourself comfortable interacting with people platonically. It's likely something you'll need to practice, and like anything else, it will be uncomfortable at first. Think of it as developing social muscles - it's painful and intimidating, but if you stick with it, you'll be able to do more and more with it.
(You mentioned you're interested in speaking with women - if you're a man, you might have an easier time if you know another woman who's up for playing wingman for you. A man who's already comfortably hanging out with a woman has a very different social profile from a "lone wolf"!)
Definitely agree with this. I’m a very “soft” man, I don’t yell, anger is very rare for me, I care deeply for others, all that jazz. My wife loves that about me and it’s a big reason she agreed to marry me. Imo a woman (or man or enby) who sees softness as a plus, that’s a massive green flag.
Or maybe a majority.
100%. People (not just women) are attracted to confidence. A cute, caring, and confident man who doesn't give a fuck about toxic masculinity definitely checks off a lot of boxes as an absolute stud. Modern day women with any sort of self respect are done with patriarchal bullshit.
I'm also in central Ohio.
You need to get out into public. Start small, just little steps. Go someplace that attracts a diverse crowd, buy a coffee and leave. One Line would be perfect. Dip a toe, try more later.
Get the same coffee and then take it to goodale park. Watch the chaos of unleashed dogs and note that nearly nobody is looking at you.
You will come to realize that leaning into that fear is paralyzing. Most people don't pay mind to others unless you give them a reason to. If you want to just blend in, it is wildly easy.
If you need a sherpa for your early expeditions, let me know. I'm a jobless bum right now and have time on my hands.
Not trying to dismiss you here at all, but my genuine advice is to get some therapy and not take advice about serious stuff like this from strangers online.
Hey, it's me, the you that grew up in Kansas!
I'm 32 this year and I can tell you first hand that it's not as bad as it looks. I'm so comically flamboyant and feminine that the trans girls at the high school I worked at were coming to me for hair care and outfit advice, never once have I been threatened by some ass backwards bigot. I even spent my mid 20's hitting on them whenever they creeped on my gal pals.
Despite teeth like a meth house, ears I can glide with, and the worst case of psoriasis one dermatologist ever saw, my guy friends were always baffled by how my geek ass could land some of the women I dated. The answer is that intense heterosexual love you feel. Every partner I've ever had has been genuinely wholly the focus of my affections and they feel that.
Now I'm married to a fem presenting Non binary who's not sure if she can call herself ace anymore now that she enjoys sex. I don't care what she calls herself, she's my person and I wake up next to her and grin like a loon.
Sorry for the life story, but my point is that guys like us can make it out there. It can be rocky, especially when it comes to unpacking the damage, but you can thrive. Get your ass to that city, reach out to friends and make some new ones along the way. Don't let anyone tell you not to be you.
Hit me up in the DMS, I'd be happy to add you on Discord. You sound fantastic
You and your partner sound awesome. Just wanted to say though that enjoying sex has absolutely nothing to do with being ace. There's lots of us that like it and many others who feel neutral or repulsed by it. You can enjoy the cake without craving any specific cake, and that's just as valid as the person who doesn't crave the cake and don't want to eat it.
That's exactly how we've been playing it. I'm not one to pick at peoples titles, all I care is she's happy.
Not a similar situation, but still possibly close enough. I am very hairy and lived in a country with virtually no body hair. The little that men had at my age (little younger than you), they would shave away in shame.
90% of people would find me disgusting, maybe 95%. I felt shunned and hideous. People called me monkey or gorilla and did little dances when I would walk by.
Then I found out that there were 5, maybe 10 percent that either didn't mind or actively liked my body hair. It's not a lot of people, but it's enough to surround yourself with love and affection.
A lot of women love effeminate men, or "soft" men. Maybe a lot more don't, and a lot are probably just afraid of liking something they are not supposed to like. But you'll certainly find enough of the right kind for you to enjoy your life just the way you are.
Just make sure you don't carry any of that bigoted hate you grew up with, with you. You and everyone you love deserve better.
Real talk, no one out in public cares what you do or how you act until you inconvenience them. If you mind your manners, you’re just an NPC to everyone else. You’re an adult now in an adult world where everyone else has their own stuff going on. Can you remember the personality of the 2nd to last random person that held a door open for you?
Our insignificance gives you permission to be who you want to be and the freedom to do whatever you want. No one thinks more about you than you do. Your experience with your family left a strong impression on you about the world you’re in, but that’s their experiences not yours. It’s now your time to have your own & build a worldview on your terms as you. No one has the authority to tell you to act a certain way. You are who you are & everyone else will have to just deal with it if they have a problem. It sounds like the only person attacking you right now is you.
Learn how to make small talk. Read How to Win Friends & Influence People and pick out the tricks you think would work.
I identify as somewhat effeminate compared to most other men. I'm not gay or bi, I just don't like most "macho" culture stuff like sports, fighting, hunting and generally being belligerent evolutionary dead-ends in groups.
I have a wife and son. Sometimes I carry her purse for her in public. Sometimes she'll paint one of my nails for fun and I let her. Because it is.
It took me a long time to come to grips with myself and to accept myself that particular way, but I'd say I'm doing just a little bit better with that every day.
But it does put your social life in "hard mode" imho. It would be so much easier if I could be as enthousiastic about a piece of pigskin being kicked a certain distance but unfortunately I'm not easily impressed by feats our tree-slinging ancestors would easily destroy all of us in if push came to shove.
I think that’s just the natural range of masculinity. Unfortunately, culture has evolved to focus on one extreme and ignore the other. If you happen to naturally gravitate towards “the wrong end of the spectrum”, you’ll run into some problems that shouldn’t even exist in the first place.
My partner is very much in your boat. At home and any time we go out to "safe" spaces (like queer spaces) he is very open and absolutely enjoys himself. We got pedicures the other day and he had sparkly blue toenails for like a week and loved it.
Unfortunately, he works in the auto industry and we live in a more conservative area, so whenever we're not in a "safe" space, I can 100% see him reverting to a more "hardened" version of himself. I know it's just self-preservation, but I can see (and he knows) how much happier he is when he doesn't have to be that way. It really sucks and I wish I could help him out of his shell a bit more, but I totally understand the shitty circumstances.
The patriarchy hurts every single one of us.
I don't have any advice for you, unfortunately. But I wanted to say that you're brave for asking for help and putting this out in the open - this is not as easy as one might think. Just know that you are loved and that you matter.
Sending you lots of love and power. It'll get better, I'm sure of it. 💜
In Columbus, you would be considered just a normal guy. You could easily find a community there.
I want you to know that there are probably more of us women than you think, who find feminine straight men to be incredibly attractive and sexy. We are out there and we see you, even though you might not see us. We're still a small minority, but we are everywhere.
Society by and large doesn't accept feminine straight men as being valid or real, and the amount of shaming is heartbreaking, but if you can find people who accept you and become part of that community, you can gain the confidence and strength to tell the rest of society to go fuck off while you live your best life.
I know you mean well and you aren’t contradicting OP, but this is very cold comfort.
If a woman came to me and said she was threatened and harassed by men to the point of being unable to leave the house and I told her “don’t worry, there’s a minority of men who won’t do that. You just need to pick better men” you would think I was a monster.
I feel that a good therapist could help you work through this fear of going outside. You may not find one locally that vibes with you. Televisits are how I meet with mine. Beyond that, do you have a friend that you could travel with? Columbus is pretty progressive, and you could visit other cities with strong queer communities which could help you build confidence that going out into the world is not as dangerous for you as the close-minded people have conditioned you to believe. The more you do it, the easier it becomes, so they say (this may sound unrealistic when you're at the very beginning of your journey to a better life, but you may find it to be true if you keep putting yourself out there as much as you can tolerate).
Other than that, I can say with certainty that there are women out there who are attracted to men like you. Ironically, you might find them in gay bars. I happen to be a woman like this, and apparently through high school dated boys who eventually came out of the closet (though not because of them not exactly fitting the traditional straight male persona, but because they were gentle and kind and witty and smart and a little bit sassy). This was early 90s in a very very religious and conservative area somewhat straight south from you, so I may relate in some way to the hate you've experienced. Those boys may have known all along about their sexuality and were masking, but at least one of them didn't figure it out until after he was married to a woman.
Anyway, I find I am way more comfortable in a gay bar setting, just not so much on ladies' night, lol. And not just in a gay bar but also in the day to day queer spaces where acceptance is pretty much infused throughout the environment. Those places exist, and you would be welcome there.
I'm a somewhat feminine man myself, and man I hear where you're coming from. And truth be told, you've managed to accept yourself the way you are earlier than I did. It took me a while to accept myself.
I also get the impression, though, that you have a traumatic response to the whole situation due to your upbringing. And it seems to me that that is something that you've accepted on the surface, but deep down, you're still fighting with it. Which, by the way, is OK and normal. This shit takes time and work. If you have access in any way to mental healthcare, use it. You need to work through what you've experienced and learn how to deal with it better.
And I'm not sure I quite understood the situation completely - but if you're still living with your parents, pull out all the stops to move out. As soon as possible. Otherwise, it will only keep dragging you down. As you've alluded to, despite all the shit happening today, there's still a brighter world out there than what you're experiencing with your family. It will be worth it, I promise.
I've always got on better with women than men. Always found more enjoyment in typically female pastimes. Decided not to show my power level. Never been happy with myself or my life as a result. I never enjoyed being something I'm not and all the friendships I made were based on a lie. Now at almost twice your age I figured out that maybe I was exposed to a wee bit much estrogen in utero. And that the reason I was infinitely more comfortable in the presence of women is because (at least mentally) I am one.
People always misunderstand gender as something that is either solely biological sex or solely a societal construct. There are actually a ton of weird endocrine, genetic, epigenetic, and environmental factors that contribute to the baseline state of the brain. All things considered it makes perfect sense that gender would be a spectrum of states with clusters around male and female. You should read a bit about it. Even if you aren't some sort of atypical gender it'd still be interesting. And you might find that the LGBTQ community is more accepting of your unique brand of masculinity. Even before my revelation most of my friends were some flavour of queer, just because they're largely nice people.
Also I grew up rurally (I'm pretty sure more rural than 99.9% of people here) and the people back home are largely fine with queer folk if they know them personally. Like a family member came out as bisexual and didn't loose any friends over it. And it's a really small place so if one person knows, everyone knows. I'm not going to assume it's like that everywhere though. One key difference is that my particular rural community is approx 70% atheist.
But yeah make gay friends and look into the whole gender thing. It's perfectly normal to question these things.
Decided not to show my power level.
Are you a Z fighter ?
Kinda. But instead of a kamehameha, I just sleep with my opponents mother.
Well, if there's one thing that should drive you, it should be getting some form of education or vocational training and forging your own path forward, ideally someplace chill. There's many places on the west coast where being effeminate is totally normal, and people are totally fine with that. I like it when people get to really be themselves, and I LOVE men who wear cute things. We need more cute apparel!
I also think therapy would genuinely help you. If you put in your location, hit "all filters" and you can choose what type of therapy you want, and there's also a separate section for Bisexual/Lesbian/LGBTQ+ (even if you are straight, filtering by these might get you a really thoughtful counselor.)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/oh/columbus
Just to make this post too long, I was in a similar boat coming out years ago. Not quite the same, I think girly stuff is cute, but I also don't go out of my way to wear it. Anyways, I was really stuck in a rut over sexuality, conflicts with religion, and my confusion with cute women, but also cute men. My life really turned around when I started talking to close friends about what I was going through.
I went deep, no holds barred, we talked hard about everything and life. At the same time, I called my doctor's office and got a referral for a therapist, who was excellent. That man really helped turn my life around, and recommended the site I linked above. Honestly, his help was all I needed. I've met someone I truly love, and everything all worked out in the end.
The hardest part for me was calling that clinic and telling them that I needed help, and why I needed help. It was hard, but life slowly got easier after that.
Being closer to the city will definitely help
Find people who value your expression. People like you. People who love people like you.
Sorry to hear it’s been so hard for you. If you ever decide to get out of dodge, I’ll speak for all San Franciscans when I say, we’d be happy to have you join our city. I have a very similar personality to what you’re describing and while this area is definitely a bubble, it feels very safe to be yourself and doesn’t have all the macho bullshit I left behind.
As someone who moved away from an unaccepting home to a new in strange place when I was young for very similar reasons, as you, cannot recommend the experience enough. If the source of your misery is those around you making you feel terrible about who you are, then I suggest you go find someplace else that isn’t full of people like that.
Well, you may be paralyzed and fear of the idea of taking the risk of living a new in different life, consider the fact that the one you have isn’t so great. And you would be very surprised at how accepting strangers can be.
Ouch, that's rough, cousin. I have the luxury of being as feminine as I care to be because I'm not disabled and just generally large. I'm the shape of person that typically fills out rôles like "bouncer" or "linebacker". That I'm a waitress instead doesn't change that people just, like... don't mess with me, no matter what I'm wearing.
That said, I think your path forward has to involve ridding yourself of some of the things you've internalized. I'm not a psych but it sounds like you've got an anxiety disorder at the very least (source: I have an diagnosed anxiety disorder). Fagbashing is rare in any major city in the First World. Vigilantes are rare anywhere. The world outside is a lot more survivable than the world inside your head. It doesn't feel that way right now, but that's because you're too in your head.
I hope you get out there, even though it's hard and scary. We're all rooting for you.
You’re strong for not masking your whole life. Things will get better (especially once Trump keels over) and you’ll find “your” people. A group of friends who love you for you. Your chosen family. I’m not a feminine male, but we all have our things, and I found my people.
I’m worried for my nephew who is in a similar boat to you at the age of 6. Growing up a sensitive, sweet boy in a bigoted community. I have to have faith that he’s gonna be okay… or he can come live with my family.
Move to a liberal area. Bay area, Portland or Seattle areas. No one cares if you're fem or masc in west coast cities. Live a happy life.
Glam rockers of the 80s weren't "manly"
Sorry you are having hard times... makes me think of being young and having a hard time figuring it all out myself. I am a generally normal man but when I was young I didn't know what I felt. IDK if you are in the same boat I was
I didn't know if I was gay until the day I kissed a boy. We were about the same age as you and it was one of those "well that question is answered, not gay". I am always thankful for that memory.
In my world, there are plenty of people like you in daily life. So much so that it doesn't even register most of the time. Washington State is a world away from Ohio it seems.
I always truly felt that Dan Savages message "it gets better" is a truism. I knew a lot of people that left their world and came to Seattle because it was where it got better for them.
if you arn't gay then it doesn't matter either. There are so many women that I personally know that would prefer a feminine guy over a jock beefcake meathead
I hope you know, it does get better. But it might mean you need to leave that old life behind to start a new one in an environment that will welcome you.
I remember feeling grossed out or disgusted by fat people and one time someone said something wondering what gay people do in private. I distinctly remember thinking, WTF dude like I don't like fat people but I am not thinking about their sex lives. They arn't destroying society and if they are happy then who cares? My opinion is meaningless to this.
bigotry is bigotry and that helped me find my line internally.
anyways, you are always welcome to sit by me and I would welcome a conversation with you
but it would have to happen outside of Ohio because I am probably not going there :P
one of my favorite quotes from the director David Lynch "fix your hearts or die". I think the ugly masculinity that you have had to face should have to face their hearts
I can’t say I related to your specific situation but the world you describe doesn’t look like the world I live in at all.
Definitely seek therapy and learn how to accept and love yourself. It reads like you have some self-loathing based off your upbringing that you are projecting onto others when it’s really not the reality
I want to start by acknowledging where you're located. It's getting worse for gender nonconforming people for certain, however the Columbus area is one of the best parts of any red state to be gender nonconforming. You aren't the only feminine straight guy around.
I'm a trans woman who came out while living in suburban ohio years ago. I've lived in multiple parts of the state and I've worked in places you probably shouldn't go with a face that probably shouldn't've been there. You're an adult now and what that means is that you aren't nearly as powerless to stop abuse as you once were. Carry pepper spray or something similar, and if people give you shit leave, but the worst that should happen is dirty looks. But I'll say you may also find yourself getting more flattering looks if you take care of your appearance.
Also get tough. I hate to have to say it but it's true. Thick skin is very valuable
I'm wierder than most, so take this with the proverbial grain of salt.
First, the fact you are reaching out, even like this, is a good start. Don't let the urge die if you can keep it up.
As for next steps, find your people. Is there someone out there who you see 'speaking truth?' Do they have a community? Find it. (People on here can help to a certain extent if you are willing to share, which I know can be a bit scary online)
What about your other interests? Do you game? There are communities for that. (Famously there are a lot of femboy gamer communities. They aren't going to hate you for being gender-non-conforming.) There are streamer/youtuber communities. (Check out Phedran, a cool gal with a chill comm. No hate for gender-non-conformers there.) Do you like a particular fandom? Same. Drum circles, writing/reading groups, secular action groups, (you like caring for people? Try volunteering. There's a 'Food Not Bombs' chapter in all the urban centers of Ohio. Even if you only go once a weekbecause of the long drive, you might find your people.) philosophy study groups (special mention: Quarantine Collective, very inclusive but not in a 'repeat the party slogans' way) and who knows what else. Do something you love and do it with people.
Is there a local queer community where you are? (coffee shop, bar, whatever) Even if you aren't gay, you don't have to take on any particular identity to socialize. The community is usually very welcoming of those who aren't locked into the old fashioned gender norms, and at the least, aren't likely to hate you for that kind of BS reason.
You have options. Keep the momentum going and grab one.
And I'm sure all those conservative men lie their asses off because unless they do, the only pussy they will get is a fleshlight.
I think you would benefit from having a progressive community around you IRL, not just online. People who accept you as you are and understand your fears.
I'm guessing moving somewhere progressive to go to college isn't an option. But you said you live close to a city. Is there maybe some group you could join there? Maybe an LGBTQ+ adjacent group? I know you are straight and cis, but some of the people there probably have experienced similar problems and allies are often welcome. Having a working support network makes things a lot less scary.
At the end of the day death is a guarantee. No matter what you do it will eventually end in death. That means that all time time between here and there is not going to change the end point. The worst is already locked in.
So if the worst outcome is eventually going to happen then you kind of have nothing to lose. You could life the rest of your life afraid of things not working out, afraid to try, afraid to take a risk. You could do that and nobody can stop you.
The question is, do you want that? Do you want a life that is defined by what opportunities you didn't take? Defined by what you avoided?
It seems more likely to be a fun life if you take some healthy risks. Try and meet people. Try to learn new things. Move away from shitty influences. Ditch things that make you unhappy. After all, you literally get one shot at life, you have a finite amount of time left in it, why would you waste it living for people who treat you like shit? Is their opinion of you going to get somehow worse? Could it actually realistically get worse? What impact would that really have?
I left my family at 17. Homeless, cold, and broke. I'm in my 30s now and don't regret a thing. I'm married, have a wondrous cat, have a loving partner who actually cares about me and who I love dearly. No amount of approval from my shitty parents would be worth giving that up.
They already controlled your childhood and made it hell. Don't give them the rest of your life too.
We're similar in personality/sexuality and the hostile environment we grew up and live in, but diverge with health, age (I'm 35), and how we dealt with or reacted to said environment. Masking is what I did and still do depending who I'm dealing with. I noticed growing up that so long as I put in just bare minimal effort, and I mean barely even tried to pretend and play along, people wouldn't dig any deeper.
Most humans are entirely incurious and intellectually lazy as fuck following their shallow life scripts, so if I didn't stir the pot their delusions weren't disillusioned and they'd leave me alone. My mother co-founded a Baptist church for example and I just barely played my part despite never at any point believing in a god. Yet nobody ever called me out on it because I went through the motions every Sunday. I didn't sing and regularly stared at the ceiling yet because I showed up and didn't outwardly resent my parents being outwardly an obedient child towing the line, nobody cared. Not even suspicious, they were friendly with me instead. They wanted conformity so badly that they were willfully blinded by the thin act. That extended to all areas of my life even in grade school where many children are vicious cunts. To this day nobody has ever attacked my mask. They don't see it.
I slowly built a friend group of liked minded people and I guess got lucky with the lack of betrayal? Or not, I seem to be skilled at vetting people before deciding to take the mask off or not.
I want to say I think you're right in that your fear response is unreasonably high and it is hindering you. I don't know how much harder masking is when disabled though :( I don't know how externally obvious it is to others in your case. I'm sorry I have no advice for that wrench in the gears of life. Conservatives truly would prefer you to die unaided in the streets even if they usually won't say it that directly in polite company.
I will say this still stunted me sexually, it took until my mid 20's before I found a woman worth revealing my true self to and I was initially insecure about lack of experience but she didn't care about that so it was easy to overcome once I had a chance to. To let those hyper vigilant guards down for romance is sadly still a great effort and slow to trust process for me. It's on another level to get romantically involved. A cold start date at a restaurant a non-starter for me, aleays ends in uncomfortable disaster. It's my localized bubbles of friendly environment in this shithole hostile province that freed me really. During post-secondary I rented a house with my closest friends and the house became the defacto party house with all our like minded friend groups converging and our friend's friends etc. That really fast tracked my socialization.
My friends and lovers now in my 30's after my partying days are long in the rearview mirror I meet through volunteer work and dance classes. I love to dance and there's always way more women then men who show up to such things. The other men who do show up are obviously more likely to be like-minded. Go to places where the helpers and/or expressive peoples congregate is my advice. I wager being around people like this will build up your confidence and subsequently alleviate some fear.
Working towards moving away to better places when you can is another potential option. I didn't myself, couldn't seem to bring myself leave everyone I already knew behind personally.
Hopefully something I said is helpful to combat your fear, but if not I wish you all the luck, OP.
I can't give advice, sorry.
Do you have autism by any chance?
If people hate you for this, they'd have REALLY hated Jesus
I know you said you can't leave because of family and stuff, but you do need to be somewhere that will get you away from the abuse you are getting. Get an apartment in your town, that's a good start. And travel to the closest city to you. Central Ohio? I was in Columbus recently and was really digging it out there. Take a day trip or two every so often. Get out of that atmosphere.
What city are you close to? Can you look for work in Columbus? It's much more liberal and there are more people who are like minded. You might feel safer being yourself, while still being close to home. It would be a smaller move, if you have to move.
If you have the ability to, please seek help from a professional. It sounds like you are really struggling. Once you are in a better place mentally it will be easier to tackle these life things you don't have the motivation to do. You have been surviving so far, following what was expected of you. Now that there isn't a definite next step it's harder. I would recommend putting whatever energy you have into finding a therapist.
You can do this! You have reached out for help already, which is really hard. Honestly you are amazing to have survived with who you are intact. I can't imagine the strength it would take to live with people who believe you should be killed. To constantly be afraid of being found and hurt. You grew up being enemy lines when it should have been a safe haven.
