I (22M, American) was raised by a conservative family and taught traditional gender roles. I was told multiple times that that "gay" men (men who didn't conform to traditional masculine gender expression) were ruining society and literally deserved to die, and that people out in the real world do the dirty work of disposing of them through stochastic violence.
Unfortunately, I turned out almost exactly how I wasn't supposed to. I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional, and I loved cute and pretty things. Ironically, I was so in love with feminine energy that I developed an emotionally intense heterosexual attraction to women, though in a way that was nothing like the typical straight model.
Long story short, I faced an entire childhood of ridicule and isolation and eventually developed an autoimmune disease with disabilities as a souvenir. I wanted to take my own life, but the Internet existed, so I numbed myself with endless slop content instead.
The progressive side of the Internet taught me that there are a lot of ways of being beyond the "conform or fucking die" model I was raised with. I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me despite my utter disregard for the manliness rules, something I was blackpilled on before.
But I am still too scared to leave home. It is hard to motivate myself to do anything because the source of my fulfillment is to make people happy, but I can't meet anyone because I'm frozen in fear. I still feel like everyone will hate me for being too feminine, and that the occasional stray vigilante will try to put a bullet in me. Even if I could defend myself, it feels too risky: I have to win every single time, while they only have to win once. On top of that, I am now visibly disabled, so I have to deal with ableism on top of everything else.
I can't function this way. I'm not motivated to take care of myself or put effort into online college because I see no point to life if I can't be social and authentic IRL. I literally just want to make people smile and feel cared for, but it feels like I'm too alien for people outside of a progressive echo chamber to accept me, and life will be full of constant gender policing, harassment, and threats of violence (especially because this is the U.S. we're talking about). The most productive day of my life happened when I thought for a moment that I had a chance, but I fell back into my old habits once I started having doubts again.
It could be worth noting that I live in central Ohio, somewhat close to the city, so it's not like I live in the middle of a rural hellscape. I also saw a non-binary androgynous person working at a clinic the other day, which seems like a good sign? I went to school in a more rural area, but of all of the people who seemed to like me, most of them were closer to the city.
If you have faced a similar situation, how did you make it through?
Sorry you are having hard times... makes me think of being young and having a hard time figuring it all out myself. I am a generally normal man but when I was young I didn't know what I felt. IDK if you are in the same boat I was
I didn't know if I was gay until the day I kissed a boy. We were about the same age as you and it was one of those "well that question is answered, not gay". I am always thankful for that memory.
In my world, there are plenty of people like you in daily life. So much so that it doesn't even register most of the time. Washington State is a world away from Ohio it seems.
I always truly felt that Dan Savages message "it gets better" is a truism. I knew a lot of people that left their world and came to Seattle because it was where it got better for them.
if you arn't gay then it doesn't matter either. There are so many women that I personally know that would prefer a feminine guy over a jock beefcake meathead
I hope you know, it does get better. But it might mean you need to leave that old life behind to start a new one in an environment that will welcome you.
I remember feeling grossed out or disgusted by fat people and one time someone said something wondering what gay people do in private. I distinctly remember thinking, WTF dude like I don't like fat people but I am not thinking about their sex lives. They arn't destroying society and if they are happy then who cares? My opinion is meaningless to this.
bigotry is bigotry and that helped me find my line internally.
anyways, you are always welcome to sit by me and I would welcome a conversation with you
but it would have to happen outside of Ohio because I am probably not going there :P
one of my favorite quotes from the director David Lynch "fix your hearts or die". I think the ugly masculinity that you have had to face should have to face their hearts
The rural parts, and most of eastern Washington are very Ohio. The difference in bigotry and political leaning is urban vs rural.
I think its misguided to tell someone they have to move to another state. That's a really big commitment. You can find accepting places much closer by moving to a nearby big city. That is far more achievable than moving to another state.
They fly pride flags in downtown Boise. The color of the state only changes the state level laws, not the local culture.