The Onion

Just a shoutout to the admin of this community for recognizing satire from hack bullshit.

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/26072485

Not a day goes by without a blow administered by Donald Trump to the terrible Wokist-Sorororist octopus! The White House leader today signed the decree officially switching the United States to the Cyrillic alphabet, ending the dark age of Latin script on America's sunny Gulf coasts.

"You know who uses Latin letters? Mexicans and Colombians, who bring us drugs. Why use a crackhead alphabet when there's a great one, absolutely wow, invented by two monks. The monks aren't druggies, they're not Mexicans, they don't eat dogs. That's it. From now on, anyone who writes in Latin eats cats. Canadians. You're effectively the last Canadians," Trump said, alluding to his earlier war against Mexicans who eat dogs and cats after marinating them overnight in a drug-laced, super-proven and verified drug bath.

Russian President Vladimir Putin welcomed Trump's upright gesture and sent him a gift of a set of colored pencils produced at the famous "Pobeda" stationery factory in Pasholnahuisk.

ST. LOUIS — Donald Trump, with permission from President Elon Musk, has enacted his latest executive order, essentially removing all DEI hires from every chessboard in America. The US Chess Federation is currently adhering to the order, but plans to fight it in courts in the coming weeks. We took to chessboards across the country to see how chess pieces were feeling about Musk’s latest order.

“I think it’s about time we leveled the playing field,” said a white knight who happened to be a blood relative to the King. “The other side was just hiring black knights to fill a space. Those guys aren’t nearly as qualified as me when it comes to moving in L-shapes.”

The front row whites also showed excitement for the changes coming to the game. Every pawn we spoke to mentioned the ‘high hopes’ they had for their future on the board.

“This is a win for the little guy,” one white pawn said. “The chances of me making it to the other side and getting a promotion have gone way way way up. Maybe one day I can make it into the back row myself.”

Not all pieces are too happy about the new order. White Queen felt blindsided about the changes to the game.

“What the fuck, I’m considered DEI? I thought it was just the black pieces,” the white queen said. “This is bullshit. Who was moving around the board making all the moves? Me. Who was saving the sorry King from all the checks and from getting checkmated? Me. I worked my ass off for that side of the board and this is how I get thanked? Getting tossed aside in favor of some stupid moron who can only move one space at a time. Fuck you and fuck this game.”

At press time Trump had asked permission from President Musk to sign a new executive order, allowing the King to move wherever he wanted. Musk replied he would look into it.

Spez says $19.99 fee "enhances community dialogue through monetary validation"

Classified report warns of dangerous exposure to different perspectives

(Washington DC) As the government continues to purge employees, one bright spot is appearing in the forming picture; Americans are re-filing their taxes with an additional 65 million dependents added to 2024 tax returns. The IRS, having laid off 6,700 employees, says they “are struggling” to keep up with the changes, as people across the country are amending or adjusting their initial tax filing, adding children, spouses, friends, relatives, plants, and even their favorite inanimate objects as dependents to their tax forms.

Leon Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Wibson, Missouri, is delighted by the new freedoms afforded by a weakened IRS. “Bessie is a special heifer… she deserves a deduction. In fact, every cow in this herd behind me is on my return now. I don’t even own them.”

Sturbgetter is not the only American taking advantage. Some former IRS employees are uniting to attempt to mutually claim all 6,699 fellow colleagues as dependents. When asked if this is legal, one former employee stated “I guess I’ll have to audit me if it’s not… looks good!” He laughed.

Not everyone is laughing, however. One republican senator, who asked not to be named, stated that he is concerned with fiscal responsibility, unless the president said not to be. “We need to cut programs until we have a balanced budget, and our projected $7 tax revenue will not go far. The cuts may hurt everyday Americans, and I for one thank god I am not one.”

Elon Musk could not be reached for comment.

(San Francisco, CA) As the US Government is slowly collapsed in the pursuit of government efficiency, other competitors in the coin space are also reaching out to tap into this new, unexplored area of blockchain profitability. LiteCoin, a smaller, blockchain-based token that touts itself as equivalent to BitCoin or DogeCoin, has opened the “Legislative Inefficiency Termination Executive,” or LITE, as an alternative means to reduce government function under the guise of cost saving and efficiency.

Their office, based in Washington DC and opening next week, will seek to also reduce government waste and spending, while also acting like a government agency. “We plan to show up places and demand information, and then make sudden, reckless actions that create headlines, and hopefully help our coin price,” said one LiteCoin enthusiast over Skype. “We plan to innovate exactly like the larger agency, just not as well… just like in the original coin space.”

When asked how this would improve the government, the reaction was glib. “Clearly you haven’t spent much time in the coin space. The money will come - this is about innovation. We can create a replica of the leading ideas, and refine them in a space we our coins profit. This government idea is just like when NFTs were created, and we need to get in now, while there is still value.”

Economists were not as optimistic about the plan. Said one, “Look, maybe they should just give a bunch of coins to the president in a bag marked ‘bribe,’ I don’t know. My NSF funding is cut off, I haven’t had time to look into it.

“I have a large frappachino for Kara,” he added.

While LiteCoin has joined the fray, the most valuable coin, Bitcoin, does not seem to be joining in yet. And with Tiktok having limited bandwidth in America, no coin bros were able to comment by deadline.

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