Ask Lemmy

My parents were (and still are) toxic people. So when I got married, I was bitching about my spouse because that's what I knew how to do. This went on for a while until my friend stopped me and said, "Hey, do you even like this person?"

It felt like being splashed with ice water, but he was so right. I stopped dissing my friends and my partner behind their backs and tried to stop that toxic 'ball and chain' sort of humor as soon as I possibly could.

Thanks, Marcos. You started a very long and necessary process of self discovery and healing. I'm so glad you said something that day.

Circa 1991 I stole my classmate’s pen and he noticed and confronted me immediately. A few kids were circled around, watching it go down. I tried to lie and say it was mine and he said “Oh yeah, what special feature does it have, then?” And I, scrambling, said “It has.. purple ink!” That was true, but he was the pen’s true owner and not buying that shit. He snatched it out of my hand and did.. something with it that I didn’t quite understand. He slammed the butt end of it down into the palm of his hand and it clicked or something. I dunno. Either way, case closed.

If your name is Corey and you went to Pond Springs Elementary and had Mrs. Olsen as a 5th grade teacher, I’m sorry I tried to steal your pen.

This was 15+ years ago. I was driving with several friends. Among them was Jane (not actual names) who used to date another friend, John. Who was not present. This friend group in the car, while fairly mutual, was more Jane's clique than John's. Except me, who was closer to John. It occurs to me after writing that introduction to mention I had no romantic interest in Jane, not that kind of story.

Anyway, we started talking shit about and making fun of John in the car. I don't remember how that got started or why I participated. I liked John and bore him no animosity at all. I guess just young and dumb and wanted to fit in.

Someone who was in the car told him about this and he called me out on it. I remember him being particularly bothered that I'd talk like that about him with his ex around others. Which, pretty understandable. I saw the wrong of it and felt like a real piece of shit. And that friendship never really recovered.

I don't talk about people behind their back anymore or engage in any other kind of gossip.

Edit: couple changes for clarity.

About 5-7 years ago (hard to pin down the exact date) I've been called out by one of my close friends for being a toxic asshole in online games. And I really was, at the time. That was a much needed wake-up call. I like to think I'm better at games today than I was then in no small part because I've learned to keep my mental state under control and turn around even unfavorable matches.

I got onto a video chat with a friend-of-a-friend who was not from the US.

The instant I took the phone and we saw each other for the first time, he scoffed and said “Big fake American smile.”

It was 100% true. I had a big dopey bullshit “meeting people” smile on. That’s not common in other countries.

One time, I was at a concert at a small-ish venue. I went to see a popular-ish band that I like, place was packed. The band started like 30-45 minutes late. When they finally got on stage, I happened to yell out during a brief pause, "Finally! We've been waiting forever!"

No one said anything and the show kept moving—but immediately after I yelled that the girl in front of me turned around and gave me a huge scowling look, like she was super embarrassed for me, like I had just done something really awful.

That look has stuck with me ever since.

My mother called me useless when I was 8. Dropped a bottle of soda that made the cap break, spilling all the soda on the floor. I've had therapy for all the trauma she caused.

Those are both positives - you're resourceful, creative, and recycle. When you like something, you go all in.

Friend/coworker recently told me that i don't have a 'game face.' Now I'm self conscious that everyone knows what I'm really thinking.

I had a “friend breakup” in high school with a long time friend because we were getting into some heavy shit and I knew I couldn’t keep going down that path. During the final argument he said with pain in his eyes “and you never even remembered or got me anything for my birthdays and I always made sure to do something for you!” I’m sorry Bobby, I had undiagnosed ADHD and I still have a hard time remembering anyone’s birthdays. I’ve come to expect nothing because I assume I’ve never given anything.

Once in a while, someone tells me I’m being an asshole.

They’re usually right.

I’ll then try to stay quiet until I can think of something decidedly i Un-asshole to say.

“Your breath isn’t bad”

I’m awkward.

10 years ago, a Black woman told me that, while it's perfectly valid to disagree with other people's opinions, I should rethink the level of confidence that I depict when discussing a topic that I don't know all that much about.

She probably saved quite a few others and myself from a fair bit of trouble.

Criticized Pearl Jam when a guy who was super into them was giving me a ride home.

Recently my stepsister replied to my half joking complaint about not getting within a second of the lap record at the kart track, that maybe this complaint explains some of the issues I'm having.

Upon rolling the thought around in my head a ton since then yeah that tracks, the question now becomes how to not aim high, and or not be disappointed by missing high aims. And why this is my Modus operandi to begin with, to aim high, not try all that hard and expect to succeed.

I was really hurt about something a friend had done, and was talking to a mutual friend about it. She stopped me and said, "I feel like you are being manipulative right now and I don't like it."

She was right. I stopped and apologized, she reassured me that she wasn't mad and understood I was hurting. Since then I'm a lot more aware of when I'm falling into that pattern. So grateful she told me instead of just deciding I was a piece of shit and doing a friendship fade-out.

Nothing really stuck with me i would say as i'm more careful what "advice" or "feedback" i actually take to heart; but there have been many incidents where people have blamed me for shit.

i don't really want to recount them here because they are personal.