No Stupid Questions

For your spouses sake, just stfu and dont engage with her regarding politics. Ask your spouse how she wants you to be, since the mother-in-law visiting is performative for you anyways, and you love your spouse more than you are obligated to tolerate your MIL.

I have a similar situation and I've landed on "my first duty is to my wife." What that means to you may be different than what it means to me, but that's where you should start IMO.

To the TL;DR question, absolutely it's ethical to be more upset as more bad things happen.

Just make sure she’s aware of the consequences of her actions. The amount of detail or tangentiality is up to you. If she’s smart she’ll STFU about it and it can be civil, if not cordial. But feel free to pull out the “I’m glad you like it when they zip tie kids” as needed.

Resentfulness is a reaction, not a position to take.

You can either say "she's not welcome" or "we agree to disagree and will not discuss it" and then stick to it. Your choice. But letting (welcoming?) her into your home and then resenting her presence is childish.

Take a stand, one way or another. If you let her come, then deal with it like an adult.

You can forgive her and feel compassion for her for being misled and confused, but not allow speech that violates your own ethics in your own home. Bonus - no more resentment on your end, which is healthier for you, personally, regardless of what she chooses to do with her own life.

With my ex MIL I stay friendly because she's great in so many ways, and just act completely ignorant when she says something awful, for example:

ExMIL: I'm looking for a church but can't find one that is Christian enough.

Me: Oh, I understand. So many are just so worldly now and not at all Christ like, they don't welcome the stranger, they do that prosperity gospel nonsense, culture war bullshit instead of good works. That makes sense.

ExMIL: oh I meant they are too progressive, too loosey goosey (Paraphrasing)

Me: Huh?

Or

ExMIL: I don't understand this trans nonsense.

Me: I know, right? Who gives a fuck what someone else says they are! You say you are a boy, you are a boy, it doesn't have any effect on anyone else, I don't understand the drama around it, at all.

Basically whenever I get a chance I just intentionally misinterpret it like there is no possibility that she meant that, because nobody could possibly mean that.

However she has become more racist and judgemental (anti-trans etc) in recent years. Hates Joe Biden and Kamal Harris but can't or won't say why.

I’m gonna guess that it’s because she watches Fox “News”, and that she can’t say why she hates Biden and Harris. She’s simply heard so much anti-Democrat rhetoric that she’s parroting it.

Ethically, the choice seems easy. While specific events may be unpredictable, the themes of hatred and authoritarianism were obvious to anyone who was genuinely paying attention during the campaign. They knowingly voted for a complete piece of shit. They voted for someone who had tried to overthrow the government when things didn’t go his way. He had already been convicted of bribery and sexual assault before the election even took place. The man is simply unfit for office.

Your level of resentment is by no means “locked in”. You have every right to be angry.

The best thing you can do is communicate. Talk with your wife. Show her your post. Don’t keep your resentment bottled up - that’s not healthy. Hopefully, the two of you can come to a solution that doesn’t harm your marriage. If her family doesn’t like it, too bad. Through their (deliberate?) ignorance, they helped create this problem in the first place.

I am of the opinion that not discussing these things is an analog to the Paradox of Tolerance, if not being exactly what the Paradox is about. If we don't discuss the hatefulness, then the hateful think they are doing fine.

Attacking only causes people to "dig in". Passive aggressive actions will make you look weak.

Being cordial while also calling out instances of hate as they occur would likely be fine. Be strong and confident, but keep corrections short and to the point (Imagine correctly a 5 year old. Understanding and care, not anger, and keep things in reality.) "That didn't happen.", "Why would a criminal say that?", "Toddlers visiting basketball plays, will reduce the average height, but no one gets shorter or taller."

fill your house with tons of progressive decorations. Lots of lgbt+ and such and a painting of biden above the mantel. really do it up. then have her visit as much as she likes.

Disapproval continues to be appropriate until they repent. Resentfulness harms only yourself, and should be avoided if possible. Overall I think you're walking the line pretty well so far.

Do they try to talk politics while around? If so I'd fucking unload on their sorry asses (depending on how the wife would react). One of the most common themes I've seen among supporters is they have a very small single issue they claim as the sole reason. So forcing them to address the full ramifications I feel is prudent.

If they don't try to talk politics, I'm not sure what I would do. But I'd definitely be making sure my wife wasn't enduring some extra trauma for the sake of family. You could try helping her realize she had the power to cut them out of her life and she can be just fine.

I don't think this is an ethics question, you're asking whether resentment builds or fades over time and the answer will be very specific to each person and case. That being said there's one thing I would like to point out:

a person does X, I express disapproval. Is it ethical to express MORE disapproval as additional unforeseen consequences of X become apparent?

Those weren't unforseen, that's the worst part for me, they were clearly foreseen, foretold and warned about, and I could potentially be persuaded to believe people were unaware of that the first time around, but by the second time you are obviously okay with all of it.

Dude please please please don't let Trump ruin your marriage. Not allowing your MIL to stay for her annual visit when your wife wants her to is gonna be a big big problem

I can't really offer specific advice on this situation. I don't know. But I will say, in general separating from the person who's victimized by propaganda just helps the propaganda spread. A lot of this stuff actually has deliberate features and habits that it tries to instill into people, to make it drive away people who might talk sense into them and make it harder for them to hear sense if someone does say it to them.

I think you should view your MIL as a victim of propaganda, similar to a drug addict or a person with significant trauma in their life. A lot of them are victims. Of course, if she's telling you "I'm glad they're snatching all those US citizens and deporting them to hellish nightmare prisons in other countries just because they're Hispanic," then maybe you want to shun her. But usually what's happened is that they've gotten so twisted up in their perceptions that they think that what they're saying and supporting is something really good, and everyone should support it. The stuff that she is victimized by is incredibly powerful, it's not surprising to me that a lot of people get taken in by it.

Like I say it's hard to give general advice about what you should do. But this may help you to be more gentle with her even if you are aware of the hatefulness at work in the stuff she was victimized by and have some understandably big feelings about it.

I promise I'm not trying to be dismissive, but do you think you might be autistic? I ask because I am and I struggle with very rigid thinking on how I should react to the consequences of people's actions that I believe were blatantly foreseeable.

I struggle with this very same issue in my own family. I've already gone no contact with my older sister who went full Qanon during COVID, and I barely have a relationship with my Trump-loving grandparents anymore. That relationship is a little laden with religious trauma too, so might not be totally comparable to your situation (I still have to vaguely pretend to be Christian around them even though I've been staunchly atheist for twenty years).

To your edit... it rather sounds like she is in fact MAGA and doesn't want to admit to the "why". there's really not very many people who were both willing to vote for trump a second time and aren't MAGA, even if they don't want to admit it.

from an ethics stand point, I'll remind you of an old german saying. "If 10 men are sitting at a table with a nazi, you have 11 nazis." You cannot look at trump and honestly conclude he's an acceptable (never mind good,) president without also agreeing with his fascist and tyrannical bullshit. if she's genuinely unhappy with the status quo, she can show it by protesting or something. Until then, she's still a trump supporter and still part of the problem, and there is zero excuse for not knowing what he was about. he said he was going to do everything that he's doing. (well. maybe not the ballroom or shitting himself, but details.)

but none of us are the ones you need to be having this conversation with. we can't decide what's right here... that's a personal decision you need to make with your wife.

Put a rainbow flag in the room where she sleeps. 😋
Maybe a picture of Reagan with quotes of how Russia is the enemy, and tariffs are bad for everybody.

Do they show any kind of remorse, like "I didn't think it would be that bad", denial "I don't believe [bad thing] actually happened", or are they straight-up going "serves them right, fuck them kids"? If it's the third option, I wouldn't even let them into my house anymore.

Not in America so viewing you as on the front lines of this present catastrophe.

Please do everything you can to avoid further entrenching resentment.

It looks like your country is so bitterly divided. I've visited once, and my impression was then that there is a lot more grey than any media or the internet conveys.

If you're living close to someone who supported that maniac, please do what you can to build bridges so that they can find a way back to sanity. I get that it's not fair and that responsibility should fall on them. But realistically I think you need to be the adult in the relationship.

Please do what you can to build bridges and be compassionate, curious. Own your own sense of moral outrage and dignity, but give these people space to make their mistakes and learn from them, without your judgement. Direct your hatred and anger against the acts that upset you, but be gracious and kind in your relationships. Allow your mother in law to be wrong. Honour whatever is good in her.

Don't be a player hater!

If she says something racist, don't just let it stand. But where you can, see if you can draw out her reasons. See if you can uncover the true fears behind the scapegoating. Just let her be heard, without judgement. Be curious about the person. And where you can do so with humility, share your own beliefs and what is important to you. But share in the interests of being known, not of flag bearing.

Give yourself space where you need. It's OK to feel strongly, and to be upset. But please, do the work to build bridges, don't let your family be divided by an utter madman.

This is not an ethics question; it's an emotions question. You are angry, becoming angrier, and hold her in part responsible for the reasons you are angry. What you do about it could become an ethics question if you engage in something extreme, but otherwise - who cares? Think about how actions might affect your relationship with your wife then choose what you want to do.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to avoid your MIL. I also think it’s reasonable for your wife to maintain the relationship.

Can you use her visit as excuse to take a vacation—alone or with friends—or visit your family? Given the circumstances, I think avoidance is a perfectly valid option. Get some you time if your wife is cool with it.

These people are guilty of crimes against humanity many times over. Crimes against the American people, war crimes, treasonous acts against the constitution...you name it.

You shouldn't feel obliged to entertain people who support that. Zero consequences for these people means zero reconciliation for their atrocious behavior.

In the wise words of Christopher Walken:

collapsed inline media

If your MiL voted for Trump, then she's a filthy MAGA, stop making excuses for her. Live your normal life, yell at the news, complain loudly every time you hear another one of his inane statements, criticize loudly and often.

That's what it's like in a normal, patriotic American household. Make her live like a real American, and not in her imaginary alternative MAGA reality, and stop coddling her treason. Tell her you won't tolerate talk of treason, racism, etc. Call her out EVERY time, and tell her it's unacceptable in your house, and in YOUR America. You can say ANTHING YOU WANT, but she has to keep her treason to herself. Period, no negotiation. Freedom of Treasonous Speech does not have to exist in your house.

If she doesn't like it, she can GTFO. We should no longer tolerate any MAGA bullshitp. It's time to push back HARD, and don't stop.

Usually I'd think that a person's political opinions /choices are their own and they're entitled to it and we shouldn't allow it to divide us but your country is fucked. What's been happening and the atrocities played upon the people in your country is beyond fucked and appalling. Unless she is able to see this and regrets her decision, I believe she is still responsible and complicit to what is happening.

This is a real extreme circumstance what is happening in your country and my comment is really on the exception here. Those who voted Trump and still don't regret it are fucked in the head somewhere.

Disclaimer: I'm not American so will never understand your culture towards politics as well.

I don't think it's fair to point at every bad thing Trump has done so far and say that's the fault of your MIL for voting for Trump. The way I see it as a non-American, Trump did say he was going to be a racist xenophobic piece of shit on his election campaign, but the media heavily downplayed this, and Trump still tricked and lied to everyone. Politics is weird like that: you can theoretically campaign on one thing but then throw everything out and do the opposite once you get elected.

Hating Kamala and Biden is a fair opinion to hold as well. I consider a vote for them as picking the lesser of the 2 evils, rather than voting on what's best for America, because both parties seemed awful to me (a non-American).

I think it's important that you try to at least understand and empathise with why your MIL voted Trump in the first place. You were very light on those details in your post, which I suspect is because you're very quick to judge someone based on who they vote for.

Maybe she really hated one policy from the democrats so voted for Trump? Maybe she bought all the lies Trump told during his campaign and regrets her vote strongly? Maybe she's a single-issue person who voted for Trump because of one policy and ignored everything else?

Happening to my in laws as well. I warned SO this would happen and we need to be very careful or they'll be full maga like my parents. The fox news propaganda machine has immense power.

Besides voting for Trump, is there anything else problematic with her behavior? Because, you know, everyone can make a mistake, and being a family is about doing your best to accept people regardless of their flaws.

You say she’s not MAGA, so is it her forcing you into unwanted political conversations or is it the other way around? Because if it’s you who’s constantly pressuring her on his this issue, it kinda isn’t fair for you to complain about it.

Resentment is usually a feeling which has little to do with ethics.

Actions are more easily analyzed for ethical value.

I guess that you're considering the action of showing resentment by being absent or cold to them.

From a utilitarian perspective this could serve the purpose of communicating your resentment indirectly which may increase the overall good by preventing this scizsm from infiltrating other parts of your life and others. On the other hand this outcome is not guaranteed.

If you apply value ethics of your actions it really depends on what ideals you hold yourself to.

If you take a completely honest person as your ideal, direct communication is probably more ethical than indirect communication, but indirect communication would still be superior to deceiving them into thinking you agree with them in any way.

Instead, you may idealize an honest pacifist who would value indirect communication higher than direct if direct would also come with conflict.

These are my thoughts, I am by no means an expert in ethics.

Sorta. Anger and resentment tends to fester continually so ensuring you make your grievances known one way or another can help. If you do want to make it known, but cannot have a healthy dialogue, I personally recommend you write it out, and once you have it dialed in you can send it or hand it to them if you wish.

Personally though, I'd def say that making sure your sweetheart of a wife knows how your feelings have been and continue to move is just as if not more important. Has she mentioned the how and why she managed to tolerate politics given everything?