this post was submitted on 13 Aug 2025
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Not The Onion

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[–] cjoll4@lemmy.world 136 points 16 hours ago* (last edited 16 hours ago) (4 children)

Matt said: “It was a very embarrassing accident. One of the issues with being so large, especially in hot water showers, is that it’s not exactly easy to see my feet.

“Especially when I move too fast, it can definitely mess with my balance, too. As I was rushing to get ready for work, I didn’t see the excess shower gel in the tub because my penis was the only thing in my eye line.

Right, because a fifteen-inch penis is totally going to obstruct your view of both feet and everything else below your waistline, and your dick is totally the reason you clumsily slipped. And you totally aren't looking for every possible excuse to turn any event of your life into another opportunity to brag about your massive, record-breaking schlong.

🙄

[–] Heikki2@lemmy.world 30 points 16 hours ago (1 children)
[–] SirSamuel@lemmy.world 12 points 15 hours ago (2 children)

While I appreciate the link, I am absolutely not having that in my watch history. I really don't want recommendations based on…whatever that is

[–] tedd_deireadh@lemmy.world 20 points 14 hours ago (1 children)

Oh, c'mon! Where's your sense of adventure?

[–] SirSamuel@lemmy.world 12 points 13 hours ago (2 children)

It died when my bones started to creak

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[–] Evil_Shrubbery@lemmy.zip 11 points 9 hours ago (3 children)

He just likes to brag & isn't evolved enough to have a detachable penis.

[–] cjoll4@lemmy.world 7 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

What a blast from the past!

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[–] tisktisk@piefed.social 8 points 16 hours ago (1 children)

It takes one to know one, and buddy...you're not that guy

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[–] EvilEdgelord@sh.itjust.works 6 points 13 hours ago

That sounds suspiciously jealous 😏

[–] JamesNZ@lemmy.world 70 points 16 hours ago (1 children)

Summary of the article. " By the way I have a massive cock, it is just huge, biggest in the world. Did I say about my massive unit? It is really big...oh I slipped in the shower and broke my arm,...but let's get back to the massive third leg I have going on. ,,"

[–] wetsoggybread@lemmy.world 7 points 4 hours ago (1 children)

"Oops, I dropped my magnum condom for my magnum dong"

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[–] celeste@kbin.earth 68 points 14 hours ago (2 children)

this guy gets a burn cooking and he's like "must've been because of my enormous penis" trips on the stairs "dick got caught in the spindles it's so big" gets sleep apnea "my giant schlong wraps itself around my throat when I'm sleeping"

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[–] AmidFuror@fedia.io 49 points 16 hours ago (1 children)

Funny story, but the size of my penis is why my balls always get wet when I pee.

[–] AwesomeLowlander@sh.itjust.works 41 points 16 hours ago (1 children)

I was careless, didn't look where I stepped, it was totally because of my dick. Let me tell you more about it...

[–] roguetrick@lemmy.world 26 points 16 hours ago

Seriously. Dude is acting like he can't see the floor because his dick is in the way. Be one thing if he had syncope due to blood flow. Just didn't look.

[–] JackLSauce@lemmy.world 34 points 12 hours ago (7 children)

...independently measured at [37cm], and a cast of it has been included in a museum in Iceland.

I have questions for Iceland; mostly about how to pronounce ð but we'll get to that later

[–] MunkysUnkEnz0@lemmy.world 8 points 12 hours ago

uh, a 14er. Climbers everywhere, rejoice.

[–] fossilesque@mander.xyz 5 points 5 hours ago* (last edited 5 hours ago)

The fucked up pronunciation in Icelandic comes from when you put to Ls together, e.g. Eyjafjallajökull. It makes an almost click sound. You can hear it on the wiki below.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eyjafjallaj%C3%B6kull

[–] Senseless@feddit.org 4 points 8 hours ago (7 children)
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[–] quick_snail@feddit.nl 4 points 2 hours ago* (last edited 2 hours ago)

Is that flacid or erect length?

Edit: its erect length. When flacid, it was 25cm long

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[–] Wispy2891@lemmy.world 30 points 10 hours ago* (last edited 10 hours ago) (1 children)

Unrelated but this newspaper says:

Join our WhatsApp! Our community members are treated to special offers, promotions and adverts from us and our partners

There's people that are actually saying "hell yes! Send me ads on WhatsApp, here's my phone number!" ???

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[–] RBWells@lemmy.world 28 points 14 hours ago (7 children)

Ok that is the most ridiculous explanation I have ever heard. Do you have to see your feet to know where they are? And how do large busted or pregnant women manage then?

Oof it must suck to be hung that big though. No balls deep in anyone, ever, and careful sex only.

[–] T156@lemmy.world 6 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

Do people even focus on their body parts that much on the day-to-day? It seems like something that you wouldn't think about usually.

[–] Obi@sopuli.xyz 6 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

When you have a 37cm pénis that's probably all you can think about.

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[–] baines@lemmy.cafe 24 points 16 hours ago

are all the impressed comments in here from men lol

[–] pennomi@lemmy.world 23 points 17 hours ago (1 children)

14.5 inches, what an absolute unit

[–] bacon_pdp@lemmy.world 3 points 15 hours ago (2 children)

No wonder he is single and lonely for attention.

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[–] TokenBoomer@lemmy.world 17 points 11 hours ago
[–] Imgonnatrythis@sh.itjust.works 14 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

Wow poor guy is probably going to get a lot of sympathy cards. Must be awful.

[–] P00ptart@lemmy.world 14 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

I can all but guarantee most women run away at the sight of it.

[–] otter@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 points 2 hours ago

And the ones that don't, he's running from.

[–] Kolanaki@pawb.social 14 points 16 hours ago* (last edited 16 hours ago) (1 children)

"Man trips over giant cock and breaks arm" 🤣

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[–] cannon_annon88@lemmy.today 13 points 17 hours ago (1 children)

Jesus. They don't make pants big enough for this guy.

[–] HikingVet@lemmy.ca 9 points 16 hours ago (1 children)
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[–] Imhotep@lemmy.world 11 points 13 hours ago

my penis was the only thing in my eye line.

“I slipped on it, causing me to fall out of the tub completely head first

This makes it sound a bit like he slipped on his peen

Which I found humorous. Because penis.

[–] shadowedcross@sh.itjust.works 10 points 17 hours ago (3 children)

Longer than the average forearm, that's crazy. Wonder how girthy it is.

[–] yaroto98@lemmy.world 13 points 17 hours ago (1 children)

Look at the photo of him standing. It's visible through his pants, it doesn't look thin.

[–] shadowedcross@sh.itjust.works 13 points 16 hours ago (1 children)

True, and it must be flaccid unless he's really into getting his photo taken.

[–] ColeSloth@discuss.tchncs.de 3 points 14 hours ago

I bet the casting from the museum is pictured somewhere online to find.

[–] arin@lemmy.world 4 points 16 hours ago* (last edited 16 hours ago)

Can't see feet girthy

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[–] EvilEdgelord@sh.itjust.works 8 points 17 hours ago (1 children)

My man making a baby's arm look small 😂

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[–] barnaclebutt@lemmy.world 7 points 14 hours ago* (last edited 14 hours ago)

Totally relatable. Swift recovery Matt. I'm also glad you found your best look at my enormous penis trousers for the news photoshoot.

[–] prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 14 hours ago* (last edited 14 hours ago) (1 children)

Lol his face in that pic says it all

[–] winkly@lemmy.world 7 points 14 hours ago

“signature look of superiority”

[–] nathan@piefed.alphapuggle.dev 5 points 14 hours ago (2 children)
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[–] shalafi@lemmy.world 4 points 13 hours ago (1 children)

Speaking of gargantuan penises.

I swear to god in heaven that video is worth a minute of your time.

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