this post was submitted on 13 Aug 2025
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Not The Onion

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[–] cjoll4@lemmy.world 183 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (5 children)

Matt said: “It was a very embarrassing accident. One of the issues with being so large, especially in hot water showers, is that it’s not exactly easy to see my feet.

“Especially when I move too fast, it can definitely mess with my balance, too. As I was rushing to get ready for work, I didn’t see the excess shower gel in the tub because my penis was the only thing in my eye line.

Right, because a fifteen-inch penis is totally going to obstruct your view of both feet and everything else below your waistline, and your dick is totally the reason you clumsily slipped. And you totally aren't looking for every possible excuse to turn any event of your life into another opportunity to brag about your massive, record-breaking schlong.

🙄

[–] Heikki2@lemmy.world 39 points 2 months ago (1 children)
[–] SirSamuel@lemmy.world 15 points 2 months ago (3 children)

While I appreciate the link, I am absolutely not having that in my watch history. I really don't want recommendations based on…whatever that is

[–] tedd_deireadh@lemmy.world 23 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Oh, c'mon! Where's your sense of adventure?

[–] SirSamuel@lemmy.world 16 points 2 months ago (3 children)

It died when my bones started to creak

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[–] Evil_Shrubbery@lemmy.zip 20 points 2 months ago (3 children)

He just likes to brag & isn't evolved enough to have a detachable penis.

[–] cjoll4@lemmy.world 7 points 2 months ago (1 children)

What a blast from the past!

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[–] tisktisk@piefed.social 10 points 2 months ago (1 children)

It takes one to know one, and buddy...you're not that guy

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[–] EvilEdgelord@sh.itjust.works 6 points 2 months ago

That sounds suspiciously jealous 😏

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[–] celeste@kbin.earth 87 points 2 months ago (2 children)

this guy gets a burn cooking and he's like "must've been because of my enormous penis" trips on the stairs "dick got caught in the spindles it's so big" gets sleep apnea "my giant schlong wraps itself around my throat when I'm sleeping"

[–] Bunbury@feddit.nl 10 points 2 months ago (6 children)

I mean, to be fair… it must be pretty annoying. Chances are he’s not compatible size wise with 99.99% of women. Probably even jerking off is a massive workout. Probably gets lightheaded each time it fills with blood. Seriously… when you’re this far out of the normal range I recon attention is the main positive thing that comes out of the situation (at least for people who like attention). Everything else just seems needlessly difficult.

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[–] JamesNZ@lemmy.world 85 points 2 months ago (2 children)

Summary of the article. " By the way I have a massive cock, it is just huge, biggest in the world. Did I say about my massive unit? It is really big...oh I slipped in the shower and broke my arm,...but let's get back to the massive third leg I have going on. ,,"

[–] wetsoggybread@lemmy.world 15 points 2 months ago (3 children)

"Oops, I dropped my magnum condom for my magnum dong"

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[–] AmidFuror@fedia.io 54 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Funny story, but the size of my penis is why my balls always get wet when I pee.

[–] Wispy2891@lemmy.world 51 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (3 children)

Unrelated but this newspaper says:

Join our WhatsApp! Our community members are treated to special offers, promotions and adverts from us and our partners

There's people that are actually saying "hell yes! Send me ads on WhatsApp, here's my phone number!" ???

[–] otter@lemmy.dbzer0.com 8 points 2 months ago

The world's full of 'em, and many others, yep.

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[–] AwesomeLowlander@sh.itjust.works 47 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I was careless, didn't look where I stepped, it was totally because of my dick. Let me tell you more about it...

[–] roguetrick@lemmy.world 30 points 2 months ago

Seriously. Dude is acting like he can't see the floor because his dick is in the way. Be one thing if he had syncope due to blood flow. Just didn't look.

[–] JackLSauce@lemmy.world 45 points 2 months ago (18 children)

...independently measured at [37cm], and a cast of it has been included in a museum in Iceland.

I have questions for Iceland; mostly about how to pronounce ð but we'll get to that later

[–] MunkysUnkEnz0@lemmy.world 8 points 2 months ago

uh, a 14er. Climbers everywhere, rejoice.

[–] quick_snail@feddit.nl 7 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

Is that flacid or erect length?

Edit: its erect length. When flacid, it was 25cm long

[–] fossilesque@mander.xyz 7 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

The fucked up pronunciation in Icelandic comes from when you put to Ls together, e.g. Eyjafjallajökull. It makes an almost click sound. You can hear it on the wiki below.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eyjafjallaj%C3%B6kull

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[–] MissJinx@lemmy.world 44 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (3 children)

Envious men please remember vaginas do have an ending. Don't trust hentai, your penis will NOT come out of our mouths

[–] nova_ad_vitum@lemmy.ca 22 points 2 months ago

Next you're going to tell me that piss doesn't come from the balls? Please.

[–] roguetrick@lemmy.world 17 points 2 months ago (1 children)

The cervix is just a door if you knock hard enough.

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[–] arararagi@ani.social 8 points 2 months ago (1 children)

We know about the 666 man. Six figures salary. Six inches. Six feet tall.

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[–] RBWells@lemmy.world 31 points 2 months ago (7 children)

Ok that is the most ridiculous explanation I have ever heard. Do you have to see your feet to know where they are? And how do large busted or pregnant women manage then?

Oof it must suck to be hung that big though. No balls deep in anyone, ever, and careful sex only.

[–] T156@lemmy.world 7 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Do people even focus on their body parts that much on the day-to-day? It seems like something that you wouldn't think about usually.

[–] Obi@sopuli.xyz 10 points 2 months ago (1 children)

When you have a 37cm pénis that's probably all you can think about.

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[–] baines@lemmy.cafe 25 points 2 months ago

are all the impressed comments in here from men lol

[–] pennomi@lemmy.world 23 points 2 months ago (3 children)

14.5 inches, what an absolute unit

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[–] TokenBoomer@lemmy.world 18 points 2 months ago
[–] BussyGyatt@feddit.org 16 points 2 months ago (1 children)

is there a way to block all posts with links to a specific site?

[–] Rivalarrival@lemmy.today 6 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

UBlock origin will let you do this. Come back to this comment in a couple minutes...

Edit: Add something like this to your uBlock Origin custom filters. (The sites I included are all paywalls, but you can substitute your own)

feddit.org.##.title:has-text(/theintercept.com|economist.com|military.com|wired.com|theverge.com|theglobeandmail.com|404media.co|nytimes.com|vox.com|washingtonpost.com|theatlantic.com/)

This will turn something like this:

collapsed inline media

into something like this:

collapsed inline media

(The "Anker's Sound" post has had its link and headline hidden)

Reddit Enhancement Suite had FilteReddit, which had more fine grained controls to block posts linking to specific sites. I've been looking for a Lemmy equivalent, but UO is the best I've found so far.

[–] Kolanaki@pawb.social 14 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (1 children)

"Man trips over giant cock and breaks arm" 🤣

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[–] Imgonnatrythis@sh.itjust.works 14 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Wow poor guy is probably going to get a lot of sympathy cards. Must be awful.

[–] P00ptart@lemmy.world 17 points 2 months ago (3 children)

I can all but guarantee most women run away at the sight of it.

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[–] cannon_annon88@lemmy.today 14 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Jesus. They don't make pants big enough for this guy.

[–] HikingVet@lemmy.ca 11 points 2 months ago (1 children)
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[–] Imhotep@lemmy.world 11 points 2 months ago

my penis was the only thing in my eye line.

“I slipped on it, causing me to fall out of the tub completely head first

This makes it sound a bit like he slipped on his peen

Which I found humorous. Because penis.

[–] shadowedcross@sh.itjust.works 10 points 2 months ago (3 children)

Longer than the average forearm, that's crazy. Wonder how girthy it is.

[–] yaroto98@lemmy.world 15 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Look at the photo of him standing. It's visible through his pants, it doesn't look thin.

[–] shadowedcross@sh.itjust.works 14 points 2 months ago (1 children)

True, and it must be flaccid unless he's really into getting his photo taken.

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[–] EvilEdgelord@sh.itjust.works 8 points 2 months ago (1 children)

My man making a baby's arm look small 😂

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[–] barnaclebutt@lemmy.world 8 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

Totally relatable. Swift recovery Matt. I'm also glad you found your best look at my enormous penis trousers for the news photoshoot.

[–] prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (1 children)

Lol his face in that pic says it all

[–] winkly@lemmy.world 8 points 2 months ago

“signature look of superiority”

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