I think the way you're supposed to do it now is to post one of the JD Vance memes into c/196 and try DMing the first person who comments. Rinse and repeat until the desired outcome is achieved.
this post was submitted on 03 Jul 2025
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Germans skip to ich_iel.
From my understanding (and experience) dating apps/online dating in general is dead, fucked up beyond repair by capitalism, toxic incels, predators, scammers, crooks and most recently AI. No technology can possibly survive such an onslaught and most of them wouldn't profit from doing so. They have a financial incentive to attract repeat customers.
In person meeting and dating should be the obvious alternative, but apparently nobody goes out socializing anymore since COVID and nobody can afford hobbies because of the economy and chronic social malaise and terminal online doomscrolling has broken people's ability to form human connection anyway so I think civilization is probably just ending after these last few generations, frankly.
If there is a useful option I'd love to know what it is too.
I think civilization is probably just ending after these last few generations, frankly.
Probably for the best...
My coworker met someone on Hinge, I think it was, just a year ago and they're moving in together.
Not trying to say it's easy but I don't think it's useless.
A friend of mine also found their long-term partner on Hinge. Dating apps are kinda dead, but if you’re looking for something other than hookups, it seems like Hinge is one of the better options.
You can always find outliers. That doesn't mean playing the loto isn't useless.
I think civilization is probably just ending after these last few generations, frankly
Someone's probably trying to stop that already, in a way. Low(er) sentences for rape and abortion bans. Maybe will be followed by something else, like decreasing age of consent. Or banning things like hysterectomy, salpingectomy, vasectomy.
All the good solutions /s
dating apps/online dating in general is dead, fucked up beyond repair by capitalism, toxic incels, predators, scammers, crooks and most recently AI. No technology can possibly survive such an onslaught and most of them wouldn’t profit from doing so. They have a financial incentive to attract repeat customers
Thank you for writing exactly what I was thinking.
I heard that Japan is starting to implement a government sponsored/made matchmaking app. The core advantage is that the intention of the platform is to actually match people and make people have babies. Plus, if someone is being naughty, the penalties can be much higher than a simple account ban.
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Yeah it's a known thing that match bought all the dating sites and turned them in to tinder and made the algorithm to not to help you find someone but just keep you on the site. So they just watch your patterns to keep you searching and give you just enough hope so you don't leave / stop paying.
The question i have is not even about dating but just making IRL friends. Stuff like meet-up is full of scams and professional networking. Where what I'm looking for is a site where I can find people that share my hobbies/interests.
They are doing an awful job of it, if that is the case. Most of my last few relationships, serious and casual alike, were from tinder, and those few that weren’t, were surprisingly enough, from jodel. But tinder has been the cultural standard here for a longish while now, and most everyone I know, friends and acquaintances, have met their partners from there. And after passing 30, not many are single anymore, and only very few in casual/serial relationships. So most are in stable committed relationships, of which most were from tinder.
Personally I never spent any money there and I don’t know any that have (though they could just be omitting it or it never just came up, I digress), yet I don’t really know many single people anymore either thanks to it.
So if their intention is keeping people searching, they really make it way too convenient and nice an experience to meet people and fall in love.
Could this maybe be a thing that EU somehow makes better here, versus e.g the US that I can sadly imagine would actually give all the tools for the companies to actively make it an eternal search… it feels to me it’s too good an experience for most I know for our experience to be the outlier. Why would people use it anyway, if it didn’t work?
Alovoa is free and opensource.
Its the only one i know that isn't out to make money
But you can't self-host it??? Blaspheme! /s
Just kidding, nice to know there's something out there.
There's also Duolicious which is similarly free and without ads but there was literally no one within a hundred miles of me and most of the people using it were about half my age so it felt fruitless to pursue.
EDIT: same with Alovoa... nobody within 100 miles...
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Plentyoffish mostly stinks but still has a free tier where you can message one person a day.
Also, on the page where you look at people who have viewed/liked you, the photos are blurred but if you use the Web Developer Inspection Tool you can see the unblurred photo:
Right click on one of the images of who you want to see and in the dropdown menu click "Inspect":
The Web Developer tools will pop up and should auto-locate you to the image in question. In Firefox you can just hover over the image location and view a preview of the image. You can also right click on the image location and "Open Link in New Tab" to view it.
From here, you can usually find them in your list of potential matches, in your "meet me" swipes, or in the recently online list. This way, if someone swipes right on you, you can find them without paying and can decide to match or message.
Cheers and good luck!
tysm! I'll try it out!!
You're welcome, I've just actually been waiting on an opportunity to share this info lmao
A similar question was asked about 2 weeks ago; I was going to link to that but it was since deleted; so here's a copy & paste of my reply instead. Note payment wasn't raised in that discussion; my response to that would be: is potentially meeting people interested in dating you worth the fee (to me that answer was yes)? If a service provides value to me I'm happy to pay a reasonable amount.
A lot of negative comments. I went through a divorce last year (male, mid 40s), and used dating apps when I was ready to start meeting people. I was apprehensive going in but ended up shocked by how positive the results were. After a week or two I would have several matches and pause searching while I talked with those and planned in-person meetings. Most profiles you’ll never get a reply. Of those you match again, half likely never respond to initial introductions / questions. But, if you live in a major metro area there’s still plenty of people looking for relationships if you’re willing to filter through that. I’m now happily in a relationship for the past few months so I’ve stopped using these apps.
I tried 3: eHarmony, hinge, and bumble. Here’s my feedback from best to worse.
Hinge: encourages discussion as an initial match prompt. I met the most people on this app and many matches led to in person dates. Met the person I’m currently dating seriously on here.
Bumble: costs money to send a comment / question, free to “just swipe”. Kept showing me profiles for people currently within my search distance, but who have listed another major city as their home (I guess they’re connecting through the airport and on the app?). Went on multiple dates with matches, fewer than hinge.
eHarmony: where I originally met my previous wife ~20 years ago. Now had the fewest matches and worst experience (and highest cost). I stopped checking this one after about a month. Went on only 1 date.
Feedback from my matches about the app: many men are using it to find people to cheat with / aren’t serious about a relationship. All of them told me actually holding a conversation on the app put me in the “top tier” of their matches. Many shared that matches just gave super short answers then asked for a phone number. Several noted that half the time they shared a number they almost immediately received dick pics. Multiple said matches tried to get them into crypto (?!?!).
For me (busy work schedule, and still spend half my time with kids) the experience was far better than any dates friends or co workers suggested. The profiles are not super deep… Yes everyone loves live music, travel, and The Office. I wanted to connect over something more specific than that. At least the people you match with are also looking for a relationship. Meeting people through my hobbies at 40+ most are in long term relationships or not interested in starting one. The apps are largely superficial… Half the first dates I went on one or both of us decided not to have a second date. Which is honestly expected… Even after filtering through the profiles and messaging in app you still only know the basics for most people.
For you specifically: many matches took issue with the recent timing of my divorce. If you’re separated (not divorced) expect that to be a deal breaker for many.
I went on quite a few dates on Bumble & Tinder, which have pay options, but you don't HAVE to pay.
Facebook dating seemed a little higher quality (somehow).
Please create a good profile that has: Some of your own words, at LEAST three RECENT pics, and NO fish pics. It didn't work for me, but good luck!
thx! are you able to chat/message people without a paywall?
Yes, but you won't be able to view who swiped on you, so you can only chat if you both swipe right.
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NO fish pics
Are you referring to fishing or phishing?
Guy holding fish he caught pic. I get it you don't take a lot of pictures and that was one you had. Put in some effort and go take some damn pics.
Great question. Tried the paid thing (38f). Lots of decent (superficially) matches, none of whom shared my values or interest. It was a huge waste of money across apps.
Heck, are there dating sites that work at all anymore? Over a decade ago I had some success with OkCupid but my impression is that ever since swipe apps became a thing, online dating went from bad to terrible for everyone except gay men looking for hookups. Now I might have to go low-tech and ask my grandma to introduce me to her friends' single granddaughters...
If any work it's a bug. "Dating" apps don't want to be dating apps, they want to be hookup apps because that's how they can keep repeat customers. The only way dating apps would remain dating apps under for profit companies is if they found a way to charge a subscription for long term relationships.
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With the very big caveat that I’m 15 years out of date, you might see if OKCupid or Plenty O Fish are still around.
I would check for you but I’d rather not cause my wife to worry. I met her on OKCupid. If I remember correctly, searching was free but messages always were a paid service regardless of platform.
OkCupid was amazing 15 years ago, but it's pretty shit now. For what OP is looking for, it's probably still the best option, but it's a very low bar.
OP, if you want to check out OkCupid, message me. I can set you up with a couple of browser scripts I wrote to improve the website experience. One will show you your matches' photos. You won't be able to view their profiles, but people that like you will generally show up in the profiles you're shown pretty quickly, so it's easy to find them. The other will need to be slightly tailored to you if you want to use it, but it will automatically skip any profiles that are showing to you that don't meet your minimum requirements, and even alert you if one of them liked you instead of just skipping it, just in case you'd like to give it a closer look before you make a final decision.
Edit: Based on my experience the last time I was on the apps, the best one was Hinge, but I've been off of them for a year now. It's also entirely app based.
Hinge won’t even show a landing page with “privacy enabled”
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Messaging used to be free on OKC too. Paid stuff was only better search placement, maybe seeing your matches immediately, etc. No idea about now, I was also found by my wife there over a decade ago.
The model necessitates that they restrict your access in crummy ways or they wouldn't be solvant. I met my partner on Hinge but I was paying to be able to reach people. Glad to be done with those apps.
I like OK Cupid. It works perfectly without paying and matches are better as they are based on questions you answer and profiles contain more info. So it's less evaluating lifestock like Tinder.
There's also Bumble, it used to be that the woman needs to start talking when matched within 24h otherwise the match disappears. This is so women won't get spammed by loads of men. I heard they would change it, but I'm not sure if they actually did. It works fine without paying.
There's Boo, which I think is mostly for autistic and introvert people. Works fine with the free version.
There's Feeld, which works great without paying. The focus is mainly on sex, not so much relationship material imo.
Ok Cupid used to be kind that, but they completely butchered the question part of it, in my opinion it is no longer useful. Also as a white cis male you get spammed there by literally hundreds of accounts from the Philippines. Makes the whole thing useless in my opinion
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There's Boo, which I think is mostly for autistic and introvert people. Works fine with the free version.
Oooo... I'm gonna have to try this one.
I'm not a big fan though. It's also a sort of social media. There are many people on there from Asia and Africa, cluttering the user base.
I had 3 matches which ended in extended conversations, but in all 3 cases (don't know if it's coincidence) they were trying to cheat on their partner. I'm poly, I don't mind sharing, but cheating on someone is not going to happen with me.
About poly, OK Cupid has the option to say you're monogamous, polyamorous (with account links possible) or open to either. So it's a great app for finding poly people or focus on mono people without matching with the poly ones (saves a conversation)
Yeah... I have been on there since making that comment and just looking in a 40 mile radius, a majority of the profiles I am seeing are unvaccinated red hats. 😮💨
The idea is still nice, but... You're still at the mercy of who is actually near enough to meet. And I live in dumbfuckville.
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Honestly, apps (web included) in 2025 are just profit farming. It will be hard to get anything substantial from the experience.
Best suggestion is avoid OLD and just meet people in person. Get a hobby and attend things and eventually you will find like minded people.
Things like rock climbing, board games, cycling, etc. Hobbies that have places you go to and do a thing.
Sorry I don’t have any better suggestions 🤷♂️
I hate to be a downer, but...
Building,, running and maintaining a website isn't free. Building, running and maintaining a popular website is fucking expensive. Somebody's got to pay those bills.
As the saying goes, if it's free, you're not the customer, you're the product. Corollary, if it's not free, you still might be the product.
Furthermore, these days I would assume that 99.9% of profiles on a "free" dating site are scammers, or bots, or scammer bots, many of which are probably run by the people running the website.
And to double down on the downerism, subscription based dating sites/apps are financially motivated to keep you paying for as long as possible. They are not motivated to help you find a match, cancel your subscription, and live happily ever after.
In an attempt to not be a total downer jerk, my suggestion would be to find local meetup groups that interest you (even if just barely) and start going to those consistently.
That's how I met my spouse almost 14 years ago. We were both on the dating apps but not finding each other. Eventually we met through a meetup group that I ran, and after months of casually chatting occasionally at group meetings, sparks spontaneously started flying. 🤷
While I understand what you're saying, Okcupid was way better before match group bought it. They could make money and still have a useful website.
Sometimes it's simply greed. :(
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I believe most apps can be used for free... to an extent. Just like mobile games they can very much be pay to win with many QoL features locked behind a subscription. I know you prefer web, so I'm mostly thinking of apps that also have a web interface. I'm also a woman and a similar age as you; I've given up on dating sites and apps to meet people. I do have friends that have had decent success with Bumble, Hinge (no web interface), and Boo. I've not looked into the full web-based ones in a long time, but even then I remember them being very limited without a subscription; I can't imagine that's changed. Best of luck girl 🩷 Online dating is a complete drain!
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