Ask Lemmy

Boy, so much to unpack.

Simply put, (and I mean this in a caring way), you're in a growing moment.

Of course you desire physical affection, it's part of human connection. Hell, it could be argued the physical stuff is our primary driver, just like for any other animal, and us humans struggle to reconcile that with our feelings and intellect.

Accept that whatever combo of desires you have (more physical/less personal, or the reverse, or any combo), that's how you feel. It's you, embrace it, and understand it.

As one dating coach put it - "attraction is not a choice". What we do about that attraction is the choice(s) we make.

Sounds like you intellectually get the guy you're currently hooking up with isn't good for you. Then stop seeing him. Seeing him is taking time and energy away from the opportunity to meet someone better for you. It's like spending your time practicing baseball when you want to be a long distance runner.

Two things I can rexommend: read "Your Erroneous Zones" By Wayne Dyer. He shows how to identify mis-thinking, or thinking that's simply not useful, and how to alter our perspective using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques, (without ever calling it that).

Also, check out Evan Marc Katz's dating blog. He's where that quote about attraction came from. You may not agree with some of what he says, but the foundational ideas - know yourself, don't waste your dwindling time with people who aren't good for you, etc, are excellent.

As someone who's (foolishly) also had a couple long-distance relationships - they don't work, because relationships are built through shared experience. You may have time apart once a relationship is well-established, but that's not the same thing as you don't get that day-to-day life sharing. So don't feel bad about it not working out, it would be surprising if it had.

RIP your DMs.

I'm sorry but due to lack of formatting and verbosity, it's hard to tell. Was there a question? Is it just "how to stop wanting physical touch?"

he wouldn’t even give me his Instagram

decent chance he has a gf

I just wanted to say to not feel bad about not being able to cry. It can feel strangely invalidating to not be able to cry when you're sad, but it's just your brain being a jerk. There's nothing wrong with the tears not coming.

Or maybe you're just not as upset as you were before, that's possible too. It's a cliche but time does heal all wounds.

You're just rebounding. Don't look for anything serious and have fun. All the weird urges and wants will fade and then you'll find the right person.

It sounds like you dont know who you are. Take a minute alone and learn how to be independent and love the things you love, then stroll into your next relationship more confident and mature. You are desperately jumping into relationships to fill a void instead of being interested in the person you are dating.

You're overthinking it. Is everyone having fun? Then it's all good. When you find a guy who you connect with on a deeper level, go for it.

As a stoned person in their 30s, I have no idea what to say here. I guess I'll try:

OP, I think you're just doing what 21 year old kids do. You're experiencing life and grieving a break-up. If you like banging this douche-bro and you're safe, then I say keep doing it as long as you're getting what you want. As soon as you're not, break it off. And if you ever feel unsafe then end it immediately.

You'll get over you're ex and move on and have other relationships. Nothing you're saying here sounds out of the ordinary or surprising. You'll be aight. Just make sure you're not using sex as a coping mechanism and maybe take some time to chill and just be single. See some friends. Play some games. Eat some fancy food. Just chill and re-evaluate things when you feel better.

Edit: Just checked OP's post history. OP, you are absolutely not chillin right now. You gotta chill.

He's toxic cause he doesn't want to share his instagram? Also, just have another guy on the go, and you guarenteed won't be tweaking over either one. Ain't no ring on this finger! Enjoy your freedom, while you still got it!

Talk to a professional. People on the Internet give questionable advice... Except me?

Translated by Co-Pilot:

I went through a breakup in April—something I posted about a lot. My ex and I were in a long-distance relationship, so we saw each other occasionally. To be honest, I never cared much about the physical side of things. What mattered to me was the deep emotional connection we shared. While intimacy was nice, it wasn’t constantly on my mind.

After the breakup, we stayed friends for a while, but about a week and a half ago, we decided to cut off contact entirely and move on. It was my decision because I couldn’t handle the pain of feeling ignored anymore—I realized that letting go was the best option.

Since April, I cried almost constantly, but to my surprise, I haven’t shed a tear in the past week. Part of me feels guilty—like I should still be grieving—but I suspect I did most of my mourning during the months when we were still friends. Now, I just feel empty.

This is where things get complicated. My emotions feel numb, my heart feels distant, and I can’t even bring myself to cry anymore, no matter how much I try. I always feared this would happen. When my ex before this one broke up with me, I shut down emotionally, and now I feel like it’s happening again.

About a week ago, I decided to distract myself by hanging out with someone new. When he kissed me, I kissed him back—but as things escalated, I suddenly broke down in tears and left. Since then, we’ve continued seeing each other, but only for physical intimacy. At first, I felt guilty, but now I don’t. Instead, I find myself craving that feeling daily, and I worry I’m getting too attached.

He’s honestly kind of a jerk, but since I’ve already gone down this road, I don’t feel like starting over with someone else. He’s also emotionally detached and a little toxic—he wouldn’t even give me his Instagram. I thought that would bother me, but now that we’re on the same page, his personal life doesn’t seem to matter much.

Still, I feel like I’m stuck in this void where I just want to feel wanted. It’s confusing—I hate that I need this validation, yet I love the satisfaction it brings. At the same time, I deeply crave real emotional intimacy, but I fear I won’t experience that again for years.

The last thing I want is for this rebound situation to start messing with my emotions. He thinks I’ve caught feelings for him, but I haven’t—at least, not in the way he assumes.