I made a dating website once where the only possible matches were me or a bagel. People preferred the bagel.
this post was submitted on 27 Apr 2025
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It's not considered morally questionable to slather the bagel in schmear and deepthroat it like the town bike would, I'd guess that's gonna fuck with your statistics there
schmear
I see you, bagel slut ;)
What were you thinking?! You need to give them the illusion of choice not actual choice! Next time make it either you or you dressed up like a bagel. We must learn from our mistakes.
Actually, this rudimentary “matchmaker” site worked by having people select their gender, the gender(s) they want their partner to be, their age range, and the age range they want their partner to be in. I then made myself the match for each person in the cross-section of people who met my criteria and people whose criteria I met*, and everybody else was more happily matched with the bagel. Everyone knew it was in jest overall.
*footnote: In order to the favor the bagel, if someone selected multiple gender options for them to match with, the website selected the bagel for the match even if one of those genders were my own. The bagel had also previously been established as non-binary (they/them/theirs), for the record.
THEY'RE TURNING THE BAGELS GAY!
Step 1: Make a dating app where you're the only man on it
Step 2: Make it so your crush is the only woman that can use it
Step 3: Send to crush
Step 4: profit?
"Sure, you could meet people the old-fashioned way by going outside, but that feels like a lot of work. So instead you navigate this bleak dystopian hellscape sifting through the dregs of humanity through your smartphone while each day brings you closer to the cold hard hands of death."
Did it work?
Yep! I used to work with him.
We're talking about it after all
1 billion IQ move
Not the Onion, apparently
I wonder if there is a fragment of a good idea in there. Maybe a dating app that like queues up men and doesn't let the next one out of the queue until the active person gets matched to someone.
Though that sounds pretty slow and not enough dopamine in using the app to keep people on it.
Maybe not a single man, but some small amount so it is known that you can't just screen for the 1% of dream guys. Like if you only get 5 swipes, maybe you won't be as ready to dismiss everyone immediately.
Whatever, I'm sure there are teams of psychologists working for all those companies that have all this crap dialed in for max profit and engagement.