Ask Lemmy

it's called roles. we play the sibling role, parent role, friend and SO role, our job role. there is no true self, just adjusting to meet the role's needs.

Masking is how I get through the Christmas season as it's a time of year I really struggle mentally.

That said, I think their use of it is more tied to the Japanese concept of "your three faces". One you show the world, one you show your closest friends and one you only show yourself.

https://www.pranshuwrites.com/2025/01/The-Three-Faces-Japanese-Psychology.html?m=1

What’ll really blow you’re mind is when you realize we aren’t even honest with ourselves either.

Your mask you show to others is no more fake than the mask you show to yourself.

My Saudi parents back home think I’m a good Muslim young man. Meanwhile, I’m in Europe having adventures with women old enough to be my mom, among other things; so I’d rather not dishonor the family just yet.

I think I'd go further and say that there isn't really any such thing as a person's "true self." People present different aspects of themselves in different circumstances. It's like asking which orientation you should hold an object against a light to see the "true shape" of its shadow.

I wouldn't call it a "mask", because it implies deception. Depending on who you are around, you show (and hide) different treats of your personality: In an employment setting you do not act the same way you would act when you hang with your boys (or girls, respectively) - you show different aspects of your personality while you are with your significant other, rather than with your parents. Also, your online behavior would be different from your offline behavior when navigating public situations.

Different people around you and/or different social settings make you filter things regarding your personal beliefs and/or personal traits.

No. I think people are extremely diverse in how they experience and engage with their individual subjectivity. I think a lot of people are like that at least some of the time, but it's more complicated and probably a nonconscious behavior for most people when they are doing it. Describing it as a "mask" I think is potentially misleading because I don't think that's necessarily how people experience this phenomena subjectively.

The person you don't show others is no more your "true self" than the one you do. It's still you, existing in that moment, responding to your environment, whether it's your deepest emotions or your best mask.

As someone with ADHD, absolutely. I've heard that many people with nerodivergent brains use this coping skill.

Politicians do this all of the time. Say and do one thing as theater to the public, turn around and do and say different things out of the public eye we later find out about.

I do this fairly often too. Where I work, nobody doesn't need to know of shit about my personal life, it is none of their business. There's nobody I like enough there that warrants me gushing about myself. I have about maybe five key friends who all know in depth of me, but how I tell things slightly differs from another but they're generally getting the same stories and experiences I talk about.

Everyone has 3 personalities.

The person they are around strangers.

The person they are with friends and family.

The person they are when completely alone.

They covered this when I took Sociology 101 about 40 years ago.

Some social scientists say there’s yet another self even beyond these masks: your true self. They say you can never really know your true self.

The Johari window describes the 4 “views” of who we are. Oftentimes, the masks we choose to display do not come across to others how we’d expect.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johari_window

Huh. Did not expect a SPYxFAMILY reference here! わくわく!

Linkin Park said it 25 years ago, "everyone has a face that they hold inside," I think that was in Papercut, the opening track to their debut album, Hybrid Theory. Good song about that.

I don't really believe everyone has a true self they hide. I do believe we don't share certain things with certain people, sometimes for good reason.

What I do believe is that we are a different person to every person who knows us. That is to say, if your parents are still together, you have these two people who have known you since you were an infant, but they have different views of you. Or if you have a decent sized friend group, each of these friends sees you slightly differently. I think this is more useful to us. Knowing who we are to each person we meet; rather than focusing on the persona we share with others, understanding how another sees us and acting accordingly can be used to great influence and effect. Find the people who underestimate you and show them what you can do. Find the people who don't like you and show them kindness. Things like that.

People have different facets. The way I interact with my partner for ten years is different to my close friends I've had for 20, different to my co-workers, different to my family. But my family and friends and co-workers see how I act with my partner.

I mimic people to some extent treating them similarly how they treat me. There are limits though, I'm bounded on that scale by my personal values which mature as I do. So I'm still never going to act outside the bounds of my morality and values, but I'll still treat my partner with unconditional love, and my friends with the best times and silly jokes.

These I don't consider masks, but not everyone sees me the same. They're just facets.

Yes.

Love, -A formerly closeted queer person.

I have a collection of masks. I assume others are like that too.

I think everyone has about 3 "versions" of themselves.

One version for work. One for family. One for friends and partners.

The work version is the least honest because so much is unacceptable to say at work and people self-censor a lot. Say the wrong things and you will get meetings, write ups and maybe fired. Everybody gives their boss to much information at least one time and learns why you don't do that.

The friends and partners version is normally the most honest version and can be completely genuine for some. Good friends can be trusted to keep secrets and don't judge.

Family is normally in the middle but this depends. If the family was incredibly old fashioned, conservative or religious then maybe a person would need to self-censor even more than they do at work?

No. We change how we present but that doesn't make those presentations "false" or what we don't share more "true".

For the sake of the survey, I know I do.

Like most things, I believe it's on a spectrum, with some people being very much who they seem, and some people being completely disingenuous. We all do things that we know others would frown upon (to one degree or another), so it's always tempting to hide those things, sometimes to the extent that we hide the whole part of ourselves that would do then.

I do have filters on what I say in different contexts, but do not consider it a mask as I will always say the same things outside of the filtered contexts. So while I don't bring up a lot of things at work, it is simply because it isn't relevant to work and isn't something I want to talk about at work. There isn't a presentation of something else.

Like I don't bring up hobbies for the same reason I don't bring up my sex life, it just isn't relevant. I don't consider anything like that to be a mask.

The closest would be that I phrase things at work in a more positive and less critical manner, but it is pretty subtle and if that is considered masking then the word loses a lot of meaning for people who behave completely differently from who they are due to social pressures.

Real life is indeed like that yes

You would love Erving Goffman

Yes. We all have an avatar

Persona (psychology) - Wikipedia https://share.google/aeMgXcVW6RqPHrwg7

As for everyone keeping a secret from everyone? Maybe. You don't have to share everything with everyone, it's ok to keep stuff to yourself if you want to. Most secrets are probably pretty banal though.

My ADHD says yes.

no clue but i definitely do

You cannot be 100% truthful all the time. There's no way to communicate all of the thoughts running through your brain fast enough. So you have to choose what to say.

That choice depends on who you're talking to, for obvious practical reasons. So, even if you try to be honest, you're still inevitably keeping secrets from people. Always. Every day.

So the answer to your question is yes. Of course it is. There's no other possible answer. But is that what you wanted to hear? Maybe you actually want to ask a more specific question. I'm not sure.