Ask Lemmy

I have a friend who all of a sudden was broken up with by their decade-long partner. Never saw it coming, never got full closure. Point is you can't look into someone's head and you might never get a definitive answer as to "why" and "how" and the sooner you accept that the sooner you can move on.

Sounds harsh now, but things end and this too shall pass eventually. Stay strong.

Apologies for the direct question, but how old are you?

In a couple months you'll find someone or something new and exciting, and laugh at how this felt like the end of the world. Just make sure you don't wallow in a pit of depression. Go out into the world. Do your hobbies. Find new hobbies.

Also, consider using more line breaks for readability.

The real answer here is "time". You're grieving a loss, and it takes time for your mind to process that. It mostly isn't a voluntary process, so the question isn't only "how do I stop spiraling," but also "how do I get myself through the time it takes to recover." A few suggestions:

1. Sleep. As much as you can until you enjoy your time awake again. Time you spend asleep is time spent letting your subconscious sort out a changed situation. It's time spent healing.

2. Fast. Fasting releases endorphins starting about day 3. A healthy adult can safely keep up a clear liquids fast for up to 30 days without medical supervision. Don't do this with just water - clear liquids (see-through juices and broths) will keep up your hydration and important nutrients. The hunger basically goes away after day 3. The endorphins help make the time bearable, and help show joy is still possible.

3. Meditate. This will be a hard one, because for best results I'm not going to suggest guided meditation, but rather a mindfulness meditation practice. You can do this on your own, but a meditation group can help you get past some of the misconceptions most Westerners have about meditation (the goal is not to stop thoughts from coming up, realizing you've become distracted is success rather than a failure, etc.) If you're in college, there's very likely a group on campus that holds sessions at least weekly. If not, look for a Buddhist temple or Shambhala center in your area. Hindu Dhyana and Vipassana are similar. The group will probably meet weekly, but ideally you would make this a daily practice on your own.

4. Distract. Whatever takes your attention off the pain is a good thing, even if it isn't as enjoyable right now as it normally is. Reading, TV, video games, volunteer work, hobbies, learning a new skill. As long as it keeps your attention on something other than the grief.

5. Therapy. Again, if your in college, there may be short-term counseling available at no cost. In addition to a non-judgemental space to process out loud, many short-term therapy modalities offer tools for handling grief, sadness, and interrupting thought loops.

The secret to getting over a relationship is opening yourself up to the pain, letting it run through you and sitting with it for a while.. don’t try block it or replace it and It will fade.

I found some YouTubers that do therapy type videos very comforting. Check out Heidi Priebe and another channel called actualized.org.

I found it better to be watching and trying to understand / heal than wallowing in the pain. I hope things work out for you

I'm afraid you can't really just stop it immediately. It will get better with time though. In the meantime healthy distractions are probably your best shot. When I was in similar situation to yours I started spending pretty much any free time I had on two things: running and learning guitar. Half of the time I was doing it with tears in my eyes but it was still better than just getting lost in depressing thoughts. It took me like 3 months until the breakup wasn't dominating my thoughts everyday. It was hard AF but in this time I actually learned something, improved and rediscovered myself. Sport and music have become major parts of my life. Now, years later, I'm actually thankful for this breakup. I wouldn't be the person I am today if it didn't happen and I definitely prefer current myself to the past myself.

You just need to plow through the hard times. It WILL get better! I wish you all the best.

His feelings do not determine your worth.

Even if everyone in the world points at you and says "inadequate" it's possible that they're all wrong.

You're worth loving.

He missed out and I'm sorry

I don't know the details of your break up, but when I went through my last serious relationship where he broke up with me over text, I just stopped talking to him. Yes, I cried a lot because I was so confused and destroyed because hd kept telling me that it wasn't anything that I'd done (found out later he was cheating), but I knew I had to move on.

I turned my sadness in to anger and picked up running and exercise. Endorphins helped a lot, and so did the mindset of "I'm going to be better, and he's going to regret it, but I'll never take him back." Probably not an entirely healthy way of deal with it, but it worked. Still cried every night, but it worked. I then found another sport and just fell in love with it, so I focused entirely on that. I'm still doing this sport today.

You may never get the closure that you're satisfied with. This you will also have to accept. He may not even be telling you the truth.

Make sure you have some supportive people around you, and keep yourself distracted. This is #1. Best of luck. You're stronger than you think.

I’m trying to channel everything internally without being such a burden and annoyance to people.

this may be part of your problem. Bottling things up like this is super destructive and it's going to overflow. You can get these feelings out of you without necessarily directing them at people. Write a letter... Go for a walk and talk to yourself.... find some healthy distraction to help you deal with the feelings.

That might help somewhat. But this kind of stuff can't be avoided, it just gets easier with time unless it's not dealt with.

Go volunteer to help someone else.

Nothing gets my mind off my problems like being useful.

Fresh wounds always hurt the worst. This sounds like it just happened. You are obviously going to need time to emotionally move on from a failed relationship.

My advice is to distract your brain from the event in the short term. Play with your pets, go see a movie, hang out with your friends, eat some ice cream, focus on your creative hobbies. When this sort of thing happened to me when I was younger, I would flip it around and use my newfound single status as a positive - I can enjoy the foods and activities that I knew my ex-partner didn't like, I didn't have to plan my schedule around making time to see them and include them in stuff, and I just generally enjoyed the liberating feeling of being single, even though it still hurt to lose someone so close that I had been so attached to. By the time I started to feel like the feeling of being single was losing it's appeal, I was emotionally ready to move on and meet new people.

In short, just give it more time. Distract your brain. In time, this too will pass.

I know it's easy to say but time will help, hope you feel better soon

These kinds of things are not cut and dry, and shrinks are honestly still trying to figure out better ways to cope with grief all the time. Some folks choose to start a new relationship to get over a breakup, others like to just get all the emotion out in one go. It sounds like you're dealing with invasive thoughts, and I've always found keeping myself occupied with things helps me tune them out.

You want to keep your mind off it. It's an emotional wound, and the more you pick at it the more it'll linger. You can come back to this when it hurts less and the situation is more distant, but focusing on yourself for now can do great things.

Exercise, Friends, Comfort. All these help you stay feeling human, and you should make sure to have these three things squared away, since they can help steady you.

Hobbies are great for occupying yourself. You focus on the project and try to just think through it. It doesn't have to be anything crazy either. 100% a game, make a goal out of folding a certain amount of origami crafts, make a scrap book, learn a language, doodle, etc - it doesn't really matter what it is so long as you have something to occupy you for a longer length of time.

Changes in setting can be good, too - but the right kind of routine can also help. It really depends on your preference.

And go easy on yourself. You'll still have episodes for some time, and that's OK.

Song written from a dude's point of view, but I think it's equally applicable:

Chris Smither - Winsome Smile:

https://youtu.be/CuMpm6g5xIQ

"Stop thinking now
Quit second-guessing all your failed relations
With your would've, could've, should've, maybe might-have-been
I'll show you how
Send your feelings out for lubrication
Lose these blues and screw your head on tight again
She cut you bad, your heart is just a scar
But if you could just get mad, you'd be better off by far
What you want is taken
What you need is better circulation
Work that heavy heart and get it light again

Listen to me now
You suffer from a sad mis-apprehension
That if she could read your mind she'd see just how it ought to be
But she's read it all by now
And your style don't get a grip on her attention
She ain't in your state of mind and she don't want to be
You think if she'd just talk, you could explain it all
She'd be polite, but all night she's been hoping you won't call
She'll say it's all her fault, she'll always be your friend
Plus loads of shit too dumb to mention
I've been that road and it's paved with good intentions

Well it's hard to believe
But I'm telling you your heart would soon recover
But you don't want it to, you love this aching agony
'Cause it's noble, and it's true
You won't forsake this pain for other lovers
Happiness would fill your mind with misery
Time will wound all heels, and it ain't pretty
With any luck at all, she'll find some dope that you can pity
Your loss is measured in illusions
And your gain is all in bittersweet intelligence
And your winsome smile will lose some of its innocence
Your winsome smile
Your winsome smile will lose some of its innocence"

Why didn't he fight for me and his relationship

Instead of asking yourself why he didn't fight for you and your relationship, tell yourself that you are worth more than that. I know it's easier said than done but the idea is to have some self worth and to know your worth. Don't let people walk over you, and that also means don't give a get out of jail free card for any unknown thing he may have done. That is belittling to yourself and you're worth more than that. He made a choice, and if he doesn't want to fight for you then don't fight for him.

Beyond that, find a new hobby or interest and dive into that. Bonus points if it is some kind of group where you meet new people. Find ways to be happy with yourself before the next relationship.

Best of luck. And I'll add to the choir that time does help. It may feel like you're drowning now but everything will be ok and work out for the best.

It's going to suck. There's no getting away from the fact it's going to suck. You are going to have a lot of pain ahead, and so is he. You're going to see people who know you both, and need to choose between which of you they're seeing, you'll drift away from some people who he was closer to, and he'll drift away from people you were closer to. Eventually you'll date someone else and he will too. You'll have photos, trinkets and many other things that are bound to him as memories. You likely will never get closure, and just have to let the pain fade.

When I reflect on memories, I often feel that the good ones change how they feel to think about after six weeks; they start to feel that they happened to someone else, a very long time ago. Maybe this is how memories feel when they change from short term to long term, I have no idea. The bad memories take longer, it's different for each one. You are in mourning, in a manner of speaking, and that's okay to acknowledge. Give yourself a time to mourn, to leave those items up that make you think of him. Get rid of the photos now, put the digital ones in a folder to be forgotten, change your lock screen, if it's him, to something you love, a friend, pet, parent etc. Let yourself otherwise have a mourning period and let yourself feel the emotions. Set a date, perhaps a month from today, or a month from the breakup. On this day, clear away those little trinkets you bought together. If they're valuable or you'll miss them for another reason, don't bin them. Don't go overboard, just because that dress was his favourite, or he bought your favourite book or whatever doesn't make it his, it's yours. But some things will only bring pain to dwell on.

A poet, Richard Silken once said "Someone has to leave first. This is a very old story. There is no other version of this story." You are going through something that is nearly a universal pain that every adult faces. Mourning, without closure, about someone who is still out there, who you may see at parties, in the street or with your shared friends. This is a pain we all have experienced, that colours so much of our happy memories with pain and despair. There are people I wish I could hold when they cry who I'll never speak to again, and there's people I wish could hold me who I'll never see too. They may hate me more than the last time I saw them or have forgiven me and wish things went differently, but they definitely have not forgotten me, as I haven't them.

These memories need to fade into that back part of your mind, and that takes time, and every memory that reignites that pain, perhaps the better word is trauma, will delay it. But eventually those memories together will feel like they're not wrapped in the same emotion, but the memory of emotion. Until that point comes, it's okay to let the feelings in, to mourn.

I hope you read every comment, even the worse ones about finding someone else quickly, to rebound. That is a tool to move these memories into a more distant part of your mind faster, but you won't get to process them. You may never get closure but you'll get even less if you don't let the emotions in. Turn to positive distractions, do exciting things, do things with friends and family. Reach out to those friends you've seen less because you made so much time for him, they will be happy to have you back. Don't mask the pain with drugs, weed or alcohol; nothing good comes of that. I had to avoid drinking when I had similar experiences. Seek process therapy, it's not always too cheap, but this is a terrible pain that deserves professional check in, being young doesn't make it easier, and most of us can empathize with the pain, and know not much is worse. Let yourself spiral today, this week, this month, but don't make decisions that close you off from the world. Don't stop seeing friends and family, do more activities, take up a hobby like the gym that you didn't find time for when your hobby was time with him. Make your guiding light who you want to be next month, next year. You don't have to be them now.

In a few months, this pain will be sadness, and nothing more. Let it in now but prepare for that day. Forgive yourself, you're going to be okay.

I always suggest taking walks if the weather is nice. I recommend it to anyone. It's free, not time consuming, pretty much anyone can do it in some form.

Walking works because it's an action that doesn't require thought. You can take in your surroundings, and place the focus on that instead of yourself. It's the easiest way to get your mind off of something.

You can't just walk all the time, but if the pain comes up, just walk. Leave your phone if you can, too.

Just remember that good relationships never end in breakups. So you’re mourning the idea of a successful relationship you thought you had or wanted to have (perfectly normal thing to grieve over!), but you can also celebrate that you’re now one major hurdle closer to the right relationship.

It’s a fresh start and now you’re armed with a whole lot more knowledge about what your boundaries should be, what to look for (or out for) next time.

Basically, the glass is half full! In fact, it’s more full than empty if you really take stock.

You’re gunna be sad, and that makes sense. I mean, why wouldn’t you be? You’ll have moments of being mad at them, too, and that’s ok as long you don’t act out on those feelings.

It’s important to keep yourself occupied, not to distract from the pain but keep yourself moving forward and remind yourself that you are your own person and have value outside of the relationship, alone or with friends or however, you are still a person and not just their ex. You’ll be sad a lot, and some days forward will feel like backwards, but you’ll get there in time.

I wrote a journal, just on my phone, for a year. It’s amazing how much you’re expecting to write about how bad your day had gone but by the time you get writing you’ve had time to be outside of the big feelings for a bit and most days are, even if not great, better than you’d thought.

If you can get access to a therapist, and even if all you do is talk at them, that can be awesome for getting things off your chest, too. It can help you set these feelings down for even an hour and get used to that lightness. Therapy doesn’t have to give you answers, sometimes all it needs to do is give you relief enough to find them on your own.

And lastly, it’s ok to miss them. You aren’t spiralling when you miss them, you’re thinking about good things and you shouldn’t force yourself away from those thoughts. Give yourself time to recalibrate and get used to the fact that you’ll always have good memories, and in time they will weigh less and not hit as hard.

Ripping off the band aid is hard, but this is just the start of the new section of your life that'll be better than the last. Embrace the unknown and seek that better relationship, one where there's no fear or anything. Maybe just improve and change yourself to be the person you want to become. The future is yours, and it can be quite exciting 😏

You got this, just gotta break the film loop playing over and over in your head.

It’s a fresh wound, and those hurt until they heal. You need to give yourself time. This will sound sexist, but if you were a guy, I’d say you need a good bartender. Not saying the same wouldn’t work for a woman, but being a single woman in a bar kind of opens you up to the kind of attention it sounds like you don’t need, or want, any more of. Still, in lieu of a good friend, just having someone who can hear you vent your pain can be healthy (hence my recommendation for a good bartender - when I was being a detached listener was considered part of the job).

When you’re not venting/working through the pain, try to work on you. Work towards liking/loving yourself.

Planning your days might help? My thoughts here is simply that structure and routine may provide something to focus on, that might help you "push through" the negative thoughts. And if you have any support network, please reach out! I'm sure you'll struggle with feeling guilty burdening your friends, but times like this are when you do need that support.

It wasn't you! It was all him. I promise.

I think something I’ve learned over the years from several harsh breakups and big time abandonment issues, is that the pain you’re feeling is an actual physiological response to the loss of someone you are chemically bonded to. This is old biology at play, older than civilization, older than our species, because apes and various other animals exhibit grief.

There is no easy way out of it. Your brain has to unravel connections that once provided positive happy chemicals from your proximity to that person. It makes sense, oxytocin and other hormones reinforcing pair and family bonding, as they were once critical to survival. You just have to let it hurt, until it doesn’t anymore. It could take a long time, but one day you’ll be at peace with it.

Hang in there, you have your whole life to find the right person who makes you feel loved and appreciated.

I haven't read your previous posts. I haven't read the other responses here.

Heartbreak is a kick where it hurts the most. Try to see it as something that reminds you your alive. You're human, you're mortal, this is your experience.

Outside of that, distraction. Pick a new video game and play it through. Everything heals with time.

Last time this happened to me, I got really into poetry.

Hey, I'm going through something very similar rn. She broke up with me about 5 months ago and it still hurts so much. I can't stop thinking about her. You're not alone. I wish I had a cure, but just like you, I don't.