Ask Lemmy

Until very recently, I had neon colored hair. Pink, blue, green, orange, purple, red; the whole rainbow. Changed it once every few months.

Women very frequently came up to me to compliment my hair and often would lead to conversations about where I got my dye, who did it, etc. like women stopping their cars in parking lots just to give me a compliment. More often than not it turned into a short convo, that usually ended around the time I mentioned my wife was the artist who did my hair.

Had I known this was a thing before I was married, I would have died my hair in a heartbeat.

I think it may have been a little disarming and was something unique enough that it was worth striking up a convo.

Use “social props.” I’m not sure if that’s a real term, but like the colored-hair guy said, it’s about creating an easy conversation starter and giving people “permission” to approach you. An interesting hat, reading a book where people can see the cover / title, a pet or a friend’s pet, doing a hobby like painting (you don’t have to be good at it), comic books, musical instrument, D&D manual, playing dominos…whatever! If someone wants to chat, just give them a small natural conversation starter and frequently look up from it, take breaks, smile; so they know it’s ok to interrupt you. If someone shows interest by a prolonged or repeated glance, just smile and say, “Hey are you into ‘whatever’ too?”

Get a cute dog. Or a cat on a leash. Give them something to talk about.

People here talking about "props", and that's fair and dandy but only and only if you truly like or are into said props. Because you will attract people who are into that too, but also repel those who aren't. As a woman I never cared much about either people with dogs or babies. None of my business. But I have approached people with other animals or doing arts for example.

My recommendation would be to join a group activity and stick to it for a couple months. See how it goes, then switch to something else. It can be life drawing, bushwalking, patisserie, guitar, board games- you name it. This puts you back in control because the activity acts as the prop, and by context you are allowed to say "oh such nice drawings, how do you do xyz?" " Are those shoes good for walking?" "Do you bake often?" You start the conversation and it doesn't need to be personal at all. I'm always surprised to see normal people cross the line and start asking personal questions about me once I make it obvious that I'm open to conversation.

Have you tried falling off a ladder. Anyone who doesnt run to offer assistance is not someone you wanna prone bone anyway. Time your ladder fall as the hottie approaches.

Go to the singles park on a bicycle. Ride somewhere with cute single girls in your area. Fall on the bicycle and hurt your knee. Wait for help. If the cute girls don't help, they're probably not that nice. Phew, you just saved a bullet there.

Is it this kind of stupid methods you want?

Okay, buy a shitload of oranges. Put them in a bag. Cut a hole in the bag, so it barely keeps together. Go to the park and find the cute girls again. Give the bag a firm shake so it falls apart and the oranges start rolling all over the place. Look sad. Attempt to pick up the oranges but keep dropping some, until they come and help.

Now for the next one, you will need to get out of your comfort zone. Go to the grocery store. Find the laundry detergent isle. Keep staring at the products until a cute single girl comes by. Look confused. Say to her: "excuse me, I'm really confused about all these, which one are you getting?" Eventually thank her for help and turn the conversation into something else " I'm new in this town, do you know any other great places to get laundry detergents (or whatever)"

Oh, I forgot to mention, you need to be wearing a suit or at least a blazer and proper shoes. None of the above will work very well if you look like a hobo who washes with a toilet brush.

have you considered purchasing (or renting?) a Horga'hn?

Get a pirate hat. Wear that pirate hat. If they start the convo, quickly let them know you are on the lookout for more booty.

On a more serious note, other than having something interesting to talk about (dog, coloured hair, pirate hat), be sure to watch the eyes and try to hold eye contact with people who interest you first. We look at things that interest us. But please don't stare!

Longer than one second is basically a big sign of interest, so maybe crack a smile. IF they are super interested and confident, chances are good that they will approach you.

Good luck, sailor.

Maybe go on a site like meetup or find local events you are interested in. Go out and do something with strangers: help a charity, go on an organized hike, take a language class, do some volunteering.

Just hanging at the park putting out the vibe likely won't get you where you want to be.

By being interesting.

How you do that is up to you. Like visibly enjoying hobbies, having an eccentric look, going for a fun personality, or being in cool locations. It also allows you to talk about something you personally enjoy.

To steal a tip from JB Smoove - walk around with one shoelace untied. Someone will notice.

"Hey, your shoelace is untied"

"Oh, thanks"

Ice: broken

be in the moment

speak about the moment

if that moment isn't happening, dont force it

girls will signal to me that they might be open to having a conversation, but it's rare that one would directly initiate. the trick for me is recognizing the signals when i see them, and not hanging around for too long especially if it doesn't look like it's working out.

it's just eye contact. look open and neutral. if people notice you paying attention to them, they'll engage more likely than if you have your head down covered in hood with headphones on

chatting someone up is out of the question for me

Some basic life advice for you: focus on things you can control, not on things you can't. Approach the people you want to interact with. That's completely under your control. You can't really control whether other people approach you. Spending your effort on that is a waste.

Literally wear a name tag.

A guy, that goes by the name of etymology nerd, did this everyday for a month and people approached him more often.

He made a short video explaining why this was the case and how it was an invitation to converse.

Wait, who said gender roles are dead? That's not a thing. Assuming youre a man, most women that are interested in you (or might be interested in you in the future) will expect you to make the first move. I don't think that's the patriarchy at work; most straight women want a man who is confident and assertive and I don't think there's anything problematic about that.

Just get it printed on a shirt.

Along with something funny.

Try to look like you might have cocaine on you.

(Sorry man, I got nothing 😔 )

Probably the best thing I ever did to get random people to talk to me was growing a big curly handlebar moustache, now complimented with a long bushy beard.

My fashion choices also tend to make me stand out a bit- brightly colored Hawaiian shirts in the warmer months (I have one with pictures of the dog breed I have on it, that gets a lot of people approaching me,) occasionally a kilt (people love to ask about the kilt) interesting sunglasses, hats (used to wear a bowler occasionally, I'm less of a fan of it these days, panama hat in the summer, etc.)

Clothing and style choices are a little tricky. There's kind of a fine line between wearing something interesting that makes people want to talk to you and coming across as a fedora-wearing neckbeard who's trying too hard. Those choices have to look good on you, you have to like them and give off a bit of confidence while wearing them, and it has to be something that will catch the attention of the kind of person you want to attract.

And most importantly, you need to be able to carry a conversation from there. That's the hard part.

Having some story or a joke at the ready is a pretty good crutch to kind of get yourself over that last part. For example my go-to when people come up to me to compliment my beard/moustache is to joke that "I grew it myself" which is usually good for a chuckle, and then the ice is broken, and you can kind of try to steer the conversation from there.

I've had a lot of fun conversations with strangers and made a few friends along the way. I never personally had much luck turning that into a romantic relationship, but that was also never something I actively pursued much in general, I just kind of let things go from there and through friends who I met that way I eventually met my wife.

Since chatting someone up is out of the question for me

Why? Are you unable to speak? Are you unwilling to try? Because it sounds like you're hopeless about the idea of meeting someone and you don't feel like your own efforts could possibly help.

I don’t see why the man must start this dance.

The truth is that nobody, regardless of gender, wants to put themselves in a position where they could be rejected. And women usually don't need to. While you're leaning against the wall waiting for that woman to start talking with you another guy will approach her and ask her out. We all want to feel like someone is interested in us. It's flattering. It makes us feel good. And your question makes it clear you're unwilling to put the effort into showing you are interested. You want someone else to show they are interested in you. That way you don't have to risk anything. But low risk means low reward.

This may sound harsh, but I do understand where you're coming from. I went through this myself. One thing that helped me was learning to let go of any expectations when approaching and talking with someone. Try to understand you aren't there to pick her up, seduce her, or whatever. You are just there to talk. Everyone is interesting in some way. Practice asking people about themselves. You'll be awkward at first. You'll mess up and be embarrassed. But keep trying. If you can let go of your own desires and just be curious it will take you far. And talk with everyone you meet. Men, women, old, young, don't discriminate. It'll help you realize it's just a conversation.

Also, put one of those sticky name tags on your shirt. "Hi my name is Tudsamfa". It makes people more comfortable knowing your name.

You have to talk to them.

Try to just be friends. Try to be funny. Try to be a little irreverent. Unpredictable. Amusing.

Nice day huh?

Did you see that cool show / game last night / dog that ran by just now with a six pack of beer?!

Excuse me you look really familiar. Have we met before?

Hi I’m Fred what’s your name? (Only do this if your name is Fred otherwise it gets awkward)

If they blow you off whatever. That one was just practice.

You got this bud!

Wear a t-shirt that says I'm single you can talk to me.

I'm kidding. Sort of.