this post was submitted on 07 Dec 2025
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Lemmy Shitpost

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Welcome to Lemmy Shitpost. Here you can shitpost to your hearts content.

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[–] Mediocre_Bard@lemmy.world 128 points 13 hours ago (10 children)

Divorced man, mid-forties, job pays well but not great, tried to get into old interests to stave off depression but collecting action figures didn't do it and he couldn't remember how to play the ukulele, which is like the one thing that made him interesting in high school. So, he turned to those early college years when he and his friends, whom he hasn't talked to in ages, would stay up all night smashing Jägermeister and having heady though naive conversations about the world and how things ought to be. Night after night he sat on his balcony, looking at a world that would be better if only it listened to him, ignoring his broken instrument, smashed in frustration, and occasionally espousing his philosophy 101 understanding of nihilism to his last remaining friend, the Batman, until one late night, after finishing a nice piss, the pain became too great and, in a drunken stupor, he slowly allowed himself to fall over the balcony into the sweet release of death. He left behind only unanswered emails and texts from his worried adult children. A pitiful end to a pitiful life so completely devoid of significance that the character doesn't even warrant a name.

[–] yermaw@sh.itjust.works 24 points 13 hours ago

Jesus Christ

[–] modus@lemmy.world 13 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

Lol, none of us are.

[–] laranis@lemmy.zip 11 points 9 hours ago (1 children)

This is art, but for the lack of mention of the piss spot on the far right. My guess is that he gave up on all decorum or hope for the future and started pissing almost over the side of the balcony. Then as he leaned over to see his last attempt to create something meaningful splash on the pavement below he looked a bit too far. It was not a planned act of finality, yet in that moment of weightlessness his last, fleeting thought was, "Probably for the best..."

[–] Numuruzero@lemmy.dbzer0.com 6 points 9 hours ago (1 children)

Yes but neither of you mentioned the piss spot on the balcony above. This is not our nameless hero's piss but the piss of his upstairs neighbor. He came out to his balcony and noticed a miraculous stream, sticking his head out too far to determine the source. His final thought was "What a beautiful day for rain"

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[–] AllNewTypeFace@leminal.space 9 points 11 hours ago (1 children)

I heard that in Kim Katsuragi’s voice

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[–] raoul@lemmy.sdf.org 5 points 8 hours ago (1 children)
[–] LemmyKnowsBest@lemmy.world 4 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

Let's rename him Bard_with_Superior_Deductive_Reasoning_Skills

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[–] blimthepixie@lemmy.dbzer0.com 108 points 17 hours ago (2 children)
[–] Kayday@lemmy.world 6 points 15 hours ago

Batman with a kitbashed symbiote Spider-Man head

[–] RavuAlHemio@lemmy.world 64 points 18 hours ago

Is that the Millennium Falcon?

[–] TriangleSpecialist@lemmy.world 43 points 16 hours ago (1 children)

That I need to get my shit off my balcony and figure out who's the asshole taking pictures of my apartment without my consent.

[–] not_me@piefed.social 16 points 16 hours ago (1 children)

We dont need your consent, its a free country and visible to anybody

[–] TriangleSpecialist@lemmy.world 15 points 15 hours ago (2 children)
[–] eager_eagle@lemmy.world 6 points 12 hours ago

nope, just look at their username

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[–] zeppo@lemmy.world 32 points 18 hours ago (1 children)
[–] watson@lemmy.world 20 points 17 hours ago (1 children)

Not with all that Jägermeister

[–] aeronmelon@lemmy.world 9 points 17 hours ago

They probably sit out there in shorts.

[–] Asweet@lemmy.ca 29 points 14 hours ago

It’s very clear that we’re looking at the universe where Deadpool is a chair. Not many other people could drink that much hard liquor and survive, and the ukulele and Batman figurine track

[–] pilferjinx@piefed.social 28 points 18 hours ago
[–] CaptPretentious@lemmy.world 22 points 17 hours ago (2 children)
  • they like jagermeister above all else
  • Their apartment is likely messy, (they're hoarding bottles instead of taking them to the recycling, implying not a hoarder but lack of motivation)
  • They play music
  • Their last play session didn't go very good, as the guitar is broken.
[–] King@blackneon.net 5 points 17 hours ago

That was so deep

[–] anomnom@sh.itjust.works 4 points 13 hours ago

They also had to pee too badly to make it inside.

[–] Monument@lemmy.sdf.org 22 points 16 hours ago (1 children)

Tiny Batman is not taking the divorce well. At first he thought losing the tiny mansion and being forced to downsize from Twayne Manor (Tiny Wayne Manor) out in the burbs to this high-rise apartment would put him closer to the action downtown. A refreshing life change after all that’s happened.
However, his neighbors yell at each other all day long while he’s trying to sleep, and seem to have even more sensitive hearing than him during the nighttime quiet periods. He can’t rush out the door because every slam or even loud footfalls seems to trigger a call to building management. He’s even gotten calls about his scanner radio being too loud, no matter how softly he plays it.
Most nights he just sits on the balcony, quietly listening to the scanner and drinking. Anti-suicide netting makes it impossible to just glide down to street level with his bat wings and the elevator takes so long that by the time he gets to the Tiny Bat Mobile, most vics are dead and the perps are long gone. More and more, he just turns the radio off, drinks until he staggers over to his pee spot, and then stumbles over to fall asleep with his back against a stack of bottles - he knows they’ll keep him safe from the memories that are trying to sneak up on him.

[–] baggachipz@sh.itjust.works 6 points 15 hours ago

Can’t even see the tiny bat signal from most angles, so he thinks nobody needs him

[–] TomMasz@piefed.social 14 points 15 hours ago (1 children)
[–] Thedogdrinkscoffee@lemmy.ca 6 points 14 hours ago

Liver success! I'm so proud.

[–] SeptugenarianSenate@leminal.space 14 points 18 hours ago

Drunken uke practice pad, skyrise balcony edition

[–] happydoors@lemmy.world 10 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

HOW IS NOBODY MENTIONING THE PISS CORNER?!

[–] CanadianCarl@sh.itjust.works 5 points 12 hours ago

Don't judge my piss corner.

[–] Ceruleum@lemmy.wtf 10 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

I like the lil batman puppet.

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[–] Railcar8095@lemmy.world 9 points 15 hours ago (2 children)

Lots of alcohol+broken guitar = wonderwall

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[–] ekZepp@lemmy.world 8 points 16 hours ago

Covid lock down.

[–] rbos@lemmy.ca 8 points 17 hours ago

Batman figurine.

[–] ILikeBoobies@lemmy.ca 7 points 6 hours ago

They don’t have a local recycling programme.

[–] wischi@programming.dev 7 points 14 hours ago

That Deadpool is trapped inside that gamer chair?

[–] dwemthy@lemmy.world 7 points 12 hours ago

Neighbor hates them

[–] deacon@lemmy.world 7 points 13 hours ago

What we are looking at here is the aftermath of a jaeger-based transportation ritual, successful by the looks of it.

Whoever did this, is not with us anymore. He belongs to the Hunt Masters now.

Also that figurine needs to stay exactly where it is or our traveler will not be able to return fully ensouled. This is old magic we’re looking at.

[–] halvar@lemy.lol 6 points 17 hours ago

That chair wasn't originally part of the setup but was created by the summoning circle of Jägers on the floor.

[–] WereCat@lemmy.world 6 points 9 hours ago

Somebody replaced Lutris with Bottles?

[–] Itdidnttrickledown@lemmy.world 5 points 12 hours ago

That there is only a mattress a tv and a game console inside.

[–] Franconian_Nomad@feddit.org 4 points 17 hours ago

That he should get a more comfy chair.

[–] fum@lemmy.world 4 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

Batman shrinks when he drinks

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[–] Fedizen@lemmy.world 4 points 9 hours ago (2 children)
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[–] generic_computers@lemmy.zip 3 points 15 hours ago

I thought this was from Portal for a split-second.

[–] Lasman@lemmy.zip 3 points 17 hours ago

misled dedication

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