Ask Lemmy

My wife survived. She went away to college as far away as she could (where we met). Currently we are estranged from all of her family except her oldest brother, who is also estranged from the others (though he himself is in contact, but very low contact and grey rocking). She gave them a lot longer to try to change post college than they deserved, but they won’t, and you can’t make them. We tried having a relationship with her aunt, but she ended up being a flying monkey, nothing egregious against up, but something super egregious against the oldest brothers family.

I’m really proud of my wife and her oldest brother, they’re cycle breakers. Therapy is immensely helpful for processing trauma and for developing skills to handle it and the time after. It bears to keep in mind that the skills that help you survive , aren’t the same that help you thrive. When you escape the situation you will need to shed some of those defenses to allow yourself to grow. Closing yourself off will help you navigate life under a narcissist’s roof, but will make it more difficult to build relationships with others.

Trying to build up a support system outside of the narcissists would be helpful if you can. My wife did the work herself, but was aided by having me as a solid support for her to work off of (and me with her for my own mental health struggles (adhd))

I’d also say it was a long road, through our 20s we stayed in contact with them, and that was fairly rough. They’d just keep up the same behaviors and try to pull us back in. We finally cut them off in our early 30s, and the growth and healing has really accelerated since then. We are much happier now, and not having to waste energy on them allows us to devote energy to other issues/things. My wife’s career has taken off since, she’s gotten a cpap (if you have sleep apnea you NEED one of these), and my wife went from not wanting children because of the trauma of childhood, to us now having two amazing daughters

On the college side look into any grants or scholarships you can get for academic success or disability. My wife got virtually no assistance from her family (hell they told her they’d get her books and then after graduating said oh by the way here’s your debt from that)

Sorry if this was pretty disjointed, adhd and I was semi watching a toddler. Also look into getting an America the beautiful pass for disability. It is for life, is free (shipping cost if you order online or in mail), and gives access to all national parks, forests, and blm land. No paperwork was needed when I got mine, just read a statement and sign that it applies to you

You can do this!

That might be the kind of circumstances that should give you grounds to leave forever. How about leaving to a welfare state where your family will never find you? Move to Germany, being disabled is not a crime here and education here is excellent, so is healthcare.

I really benefit from a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

If you search for motivational speakers most of them have fucked up childhoods that they've overcome. I'm a drug and alcohol counselor and every conference they bring in new people to give us counselors hope that we are making a difference because all we ever hear are the relapses and deaths. I've heard from sex traffic survivors, accident survivors who were hooked on pills, and believe it or not people who were raised in the best households imaginable but rebelled and ended up in the streets addicted or incarcerated. There's always hope but you need to move forward and GTFO of that life. Here's one example of the speakers https://www.yourlifespeaks.org/

Many colleges can be a great environment for learning and meeting people. College very commonly expands people's horizons and leads to life long friends. And even if some students came from bad homes or are bad people, college gives them a chance to re-invent themselves.

Of course you don't want to go to a party school and you need to be there to study primarily. But joining clubs and activities should open your world up considerably.

Remember you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends.

I made it as far as "making a decent living, not a huge asshole".

Obviously, it would be nice to have more/be more, but I count just ~~meeting~~ keeping this up as a win.

If you get disability and/or some sort of decent insurance, look into psychoanalysis/Gestalt therapy.

just focus on school. once you get to college it will be a lot better.