Ask Lemmy

Fart into an airzooka and shoot the fart at the interviewers.

Pull out a joint and start smoking it and ask if they want a hit

Go for the hand shake and then pull a Hitler salute.

"All professional decisions I make come down to a simple question: what would Marx do"

"Before I answer any questions, tell me about the real pay package, bonus structure, vacation and sick days and promotions schedule. I also have to warn you in advance that I have flight booked to Barbados next month so we can count that as a signing bonus."

Based on my job obtaining ability in the last year apparently be me.

I actually did this. Maybe not within thirty seconds or so, but I was applying for a higher level position (above my current classification) at a collections agency. Was kind of sick of the grind but others thought I should be promoted, but interview was required first. I basically told them over and over that if they paid me the right salary I'd do the job. They were not impressed, and my then manager had a few words for me the next day. Oh to be young and not having a care in the world. I also knew I had a different career path in mind, so I wasn't interested in staying either.

'My Myers-Briggs is NSFW'.

Whatever I've been doing for the past year, apparently.

"Hey, were you at that BDSM orgy the other night?"

Just tell the interviewer how great their feet look.

Show up naked

Start by asking how many paid days off and what is the drinking policy on the job

Sit down, look at the picture of the (child aged) daughter of the person interviewing you, and ask if she's single.

Fart into my cupped hand while making (and not breaking eye contact) and proceed to "throw" it in the interviewers general direction. (Extra points if you can do this with a straight face)

I'd like to disclose my disability from my time in federal prison.

Show up naked and shit on the receptionist

Just keep trying as hard as I can

Repeat everything the interviewer says back to them in Yosemite Sam's voice, but punctuate every sentence with "bitch!"

“Why do you want this job/to work here?” “I’m just looking for something interesting to do for a while, get out of the house a bit. This sounds interesting enough.”

They hear: I don’t need a job, I may not need money, I may already have a job, I’m not picky about where I work so I’m probably not planning to stay, I’m likely to be weird or high maintenance, I’m very likely to move on quickly if I’m no longer entertained, and most importantly, I don’t need this specific job so I won’t take abuse of any sort.

This does work to land food service jobs, though, because they don’t really care. They gain and lose staff so frequently that if you just aren’t a complete shitshow you’ll get the job.

Easy, just don't come at all

Blow the interviewer

As the title suggests, blow a job interviewer in the first 30 seconds will blow a job interview in 30 seconds

First few ideas: Talk about how I'm not really big on the whole "working hard" thing, immediately bring up and start ranting about weird political ideas, "I'm worth X, take it or leave it"

All I’d have to do is turn up.

I’d pull a Hal Incandeza and just sit there. When they ask my why I’m not speaking, I’ll just start screeching, making weird faces, and writhing around.

Blowjob?

Blowie with lots of teeth