I know we're here for the joke, but can I be real for a minute:
There is absolutely no reason to have read receipts on and everyone should turn them off. You gain nothing from seeing someone has seen a message. You want a reply....wait for a reply. You gain absolutely nothing from letting others know you've seen a message. Try turning off read receipts for a little while. I guarantee your life will be better and you may never turn them on again.
The only exception is my wife. I find it useful to know she's seen the shopping list I've sent her, even if she didn't get a chance to reply. But then again, she's the only one I've convinced to use Signal, so she's in a separate app and I can keep read receipts on just for her.
Pro level next step:
Try turning off notifications. Put messaging app notifications to silent, minimised and never on lock screen. If there's something urgent then someone will phone up. We all check our phones often enough to see the message badge soon enough. Silencing the endless pings of alerts will give you a serenity you may have never experienced before. Try it.