+1 learning to parent yourself

realizing I am somewhat deterministic in my behavior

So you are like this:

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Sorry, I know that the joke is terrible, but I had to bring it.

I had to self-teach myself that once I hit adulthood. Things like "if left to pay a bill at some specified time (not immediately), I will fail. So all bills go on autopay." It's burned me a few times, but not nearly as often as constantly being burned with late fees and such.

Also, when my wife met me, she met someone who led a Spartan existence, with all my no-furniture belongings fitting in a piece of luggage. She thought it was preference, and completely blew off me constantly complaining about clutter and mess in the house. Once I explained (ten years in) that I can't have many things without it becoming a huge unmitigated mess (like having "pathways" through the clutter), so having a whole lot of stuff is shitting on my coping mechanisms and stressing me out, making me constantly uncomfortable in my own home. She understood, and stopped giving me shit for it... not that it changed the clutter, but at least when i complain I don't get hand-waved, I get an apology. Which is something, I guess (until I snap and the dumpster and donation center get a ton of bags).

Can confirm - switching my approach to changing my conditioning rather than directly trying to change my behaviors through sheer will, I've actually managed to make some progress for the first time in what feels like years. Take it slow, step by step - you don't have to change everything about your environemnt all at once - it might even be counterproductive. And in a few months you start to notice an accumulation of changes in your behavior.

I also kinda feel this corraborates my suspicion that conciousness is not as conciouss as we like to give it (ourselves, really) credit.