Ask Lemmy

A couple people have told me that they are just feeling burnt out/depressed/etc

That's legit. A lot of people are. And when they are, they pull back, which leads to them getting even more depressed. It's a pretty terrible cycle.

And it really is happening everywhere. There have been a lot of jokes (and rightly so) about the "male loneliness epidemic," but while it isn't male-exclusive and it isn't sexual, there is indeed a loneliness epidemic. Some of it happens because online/social media/parasocial relationships feel like they fill that gap without actually doing so. But it becomes an epidemic because the diminished socialization with one person causes them to socialize less with their own friends, and it spreads like a contagion from there.

I've basically just stopped reaching out to anyone at this point.

I've talked about this with other people a lot, too, as I've gone through my 30s (I turned 40 this year): it really honestly always feels like "I'm the only one reaching out." Like, it tends to feel that way to everyone I talk to, even the people to whom I feel like I'm the only one reaching out myself.

I think that's partially for the same reason that teachers say they're the ones doing all the work to grade students' homework: teachers have to grade 30 assignments per class, whereas from the students' perspective it's "only one assignment, how hard can it be?" Meanwhile, the students themselves have multiple assignments from multiple classes to handle. In the context of this conversation, realize that while the individual touchpoints with a specific person feels like "just one friendship," they're trying to maintain several relationships, too. So you get the divided attention of all of your friends, because they're dividing their attention across of all of their friends, just like you are. So you all feel like you're shouting into the void, and you all pull back.

But it's also partially because, in any friend group, the "squeaky wheel gets the grease." You don't tend to see a whole lot of outpouring of affection and care over people except when they're in a dire situation. So if you seem outwardly fine, you might not get much in the way of proactive outreach.

Both of those factors get amplified significantly in the presence of (1) ADHD (I can literally just forget about contacting my friends for weeks) and (2) introversion (if you're friends with a lot of introverts, they may find that just having your number in their phone feels like a strong friendship and feel no real need to reach out).

This imbalance shows up in a lot of peoples' friendships. Sometimes it just means that one person is the "planner" of the group and just has to bring everyone else together. That's an asymmetric friendship in a way, but if that person's ok with it, then it's fine. It doesn't mean that they're any less loved. That takes communication, and sometimes you just need to start up that conversation.

But it can also mean that you need to find new friends because you no longer fit with your old ones. And that's also ok! As you grow up and discover what you need, you realize what you're looking for.

Outside of my work, literally the only people I talk to are my parents, sister, and my girlfriend.

I would recommend joining a club or society or something. Not like a guild, but something that forces a little bit of conversation as a factor of its existence. RPG groups are great for this. If you have a background with a religious group and you're still on good terms with it, maybe show up to some services. Service groups also can be great for this. You can even tag along with your sister or your girlfriend to one of her groups. Just try to find a way to get that socialization on the calendar so that it happens regularly and you can count on it.

Another option, though this is situational, can be to start a group thread. There's less weight and difficulty around replying in a group thread, and it can be a place to just send memes or thoughts or pictures of a cool leaf you saw. Be honest and upfront that you want to socialize with people more, and that can end up being helpful. The reason this is situational is that it can help a distantly connected friend group feel more immediate, but it can't really create a friend group that doesn't already exist.

I used to have at least 10 people who I could call on a moments notice and all of those people are gone.

If those were people you only talked to at a moment's notice, that might be the problem. It's the scheduled, regular interaction that you both need in order to maintain the friendship.

Adult friendships are hard. And it's a pretty safe bet that the answer to almost any friendship question you have that starts with "am I the only one who..." is almost certainly "no."