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160

Please help me under stand my spouse's gift and their hurt (lemmy.zip)

submitted 1 day ago by GrayBackgroundMusic@lemmy.zip to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

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For my birthday, my spouse got me a nicer newer expensive version of a thing I already have. The one I have is older and dented but works just fine. I use it weekly. I never complain about it. I've never asked for a newer one. The one I have was given to me by my mother in law, whom I adore. It's sentimental.

I don't like new things. When they got me a 3d printer, it was the cheapest one and it was a kit and I had to build myself. I loved it. It's perfect for me. I regularly buy things used or get things from Buy Nothing groups. I much prefer to repair old things in many ways. My car has over 100k miles. The one before did too. I don't like new things.

We got into a huge argument because I want to return it. They are so upset with me that they left the house to calm down. Why am I the bad person? Why are they mad at me? I have a very clear tendency for old broken used things. Why am I obligated to like this new thing?

We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I'm not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don't like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things. Why am I the bad guy for wanting to return the newer version of the thing I already have?

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[–] burntbacon@discuss.tchncs.de 2 points 20 hours ago

The returning the gift is what normal people do when they get something that they don't want/like, AND when the person giving the gift isn't the spouse. You can return it, the person giving it will never know, and everyone goes away relatively happy.

OP is being reasonable from a certain perspective, in that he can't just return the gift because it's his spouse. She'll know. So he explained that he wants to return it, because it would be like being gifted a new car when you've just finished restoring the beautiful hot rod that has passed to you after your mother passed away, and it was the same hot rod that she used to take you driving in down the old country roads when she got home from work on a friday. You don't want to get rid of the hot rod, but you've only got space in the garage for one car. Should you just "receive the gift" and get rid of the hot rod? Of course not.

In the OP's case, if he doesn't just "receive the gift" then his spouse will be hurt, so there is a very large pressure there to accept the gift so his spouse won't get hurt. So to him, he's been put in a position that makes him hurt because whatever he does will hurt someone, either himself by getting rid of the sentimental 3d printer, or his spouse by not keeping the new gift.