The Onion

(Bogota, Colombia) After several difficult exchanges between the trump administration and Colombia, the gloves are off - the President of Colombia, Gustavo Petro, has announced 75% export tariffs on all cocaine leaving the country for America. This tariff, a tax to be paid on all cocaine headed to the US or with the US as its final destination, goes into effect immediately. With the increased cost, supplies are beginning to dwindle in the US; Republicans are outraged at the news.

“This is an outrage, this is unfair,” screamed the president, searching desperately through his desk for something. “This is… this is an outrage,” he repeated. “To think that… the thing… they can’t be placing… totally unfair!” This sudden response has been seen throughout the republican establishment, or at least in its members that matter.

“I for one support the president and his agenda,” said a confused Mitch McConnell, being wheeled through the capitol. “What? Cocaine? Do you have any cocaine? Oh, you’re a reporter? Then you probably don’t have any.”

McConnell, once referred to by a political rival as “Cocaine Mitch,” has been falling down stairs repeatedly in the recent week, for reasons totally not related to this story.

“But you don’t have any, though,” he added.

Surprisingly, Colombian cartels are pleased with the measure, as the tariffs will be collected, administered, and managed by the international smuggling cartels of the country. One member commented, on condition of anonymity, “it’s hard not to support good trade policy like this. I was going to, like, buy an island with all the extra money, but with all that ice melting, I kinda think I will buy the higher parts of Florida and wait.”

Economists, asked whether US production of cocaine could cover domestic demand, were surprised. “Our funding is stopped, and I have an interview at Starbucks in 10 minutes,” said one. “The US can reap what it sows.”

We can only wait to see if that reaping includes cocaine.

“ATTENTION VOTERS: Kamala Harris and her fellow Democrats woke up this morning feeling EXTREMELY BUMMED,” wrote House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries in a 600-word email with the subject line “URGENT: VERY SAD.”

“Last night was HARD, but with your HELP, we can make sure Republicans don’t take away our SMILES completely.

For just $20, you can put the PEP back in our STEP. Are you with me?” At press time, the DNC sent a follow-up email that featured photos of Harris, Nancy Pelosi, and Liz Cheney frowning alongside a caption that read “LOOK WHAT YOU DID.”

FRESNO, CA – Across the United States young people who will turn eighteen by November 5 are expressing their excitement at being able to vote in the last presidential election of their lifetimes.

“Voting is an amazing right for all adult Americans,” said Ashley Connor. “In November I will walk proudly into the voting booth to cast my ballot. And then later I will see that right stripped away sometime before 2028, just like my rights over my own womb were removed in 2022.”

“I wasn’t there when democracy started in 1788,” noted Kyle Janowitz, a teenager with a keen understanding of his place in history. “Or when democracy started again in 1920 when women were allowed to vote. Or when democracy started again in 1965 when all black people were allowed to vote. But I know I will be there when democracy ends shortly after January 20th, 2025, and that’s sort of cool.”

Another aspect of history fuels the excitement of Tenisha Jones, who said: “Sometimes presidential elections are referendums on the country. Like, 1860 was about slave states seceding from the union. 1932 was about the socialist policies of the New Deal. And the 2024 election is about whether a rapist conman will go to prison or become president for life. That’s a real cliffhanger!”

“Of course, in a democratic referendum, every vote counts. But since I live in California, my vote is practically worthless. Meanwhile some angry guy in Wisconsin could be the tipping point for a future where anyone labelled ‘woke’ will be hauled into a gulag.”

She wiped away a tear as she said, “Goodbye American democracy. You were the dumbest version in the world.”

At press time, a spokesperson for Trump has dismissed the idea that elections will disappear. In fact, super early exit polls for 2028 have Ivanka Trump in a commanding lead with 99% of the vote.