The Onion

WASHINGTON — In a move that sent shockwaves through the tech industry, former President Donald Trump signed an executive order today declaring all open-source code "un-American" and making its creation, distribution, or use punishable by up to 20 years in federal prison. "Nobody knew code could be free. It's terrible, folks. Terrible," Trump declared from his Mar-a-Lago residence. "Real Americans pay for their software, and they pay big league. That's what made this country great." The controversial order, scrawled in gold Sharpie on the back of a McDonald's receipt, specifically targets what Trump called "socialist programmer communes" like GitHub and Linux. It requires all software to be developed behind closed doors and sold at "whatever price the market can bear, plus 50%." Tech industry leaders were quick to respond, with Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella reportedly doing backflips in his office while shouting "Windows forever!" Meanwhile, Linux creator Linus Torvalds was last seen attempting to seek political asylum in Finland, muttering something about "git push" and "force shutdown -h now." The order has created particular confusion in the government sector, where thousands of federal websites running on open-source software suddenly became illegal. The White House's own website temporarily displayed a blue screen of death with the message "ERROR: FREEDOM.EXE NOT FOUND." "This is a great day for American software," said Trump's newly appointed Chief of Proprietary Code Enforcement, a sentient copy of Windows Vista. "We're going to make coding great again by putting it behind the biggest, most beautiful paywalls you've ever seen." At press time, a underground resistance movement of developers had already formed, sharing code snippets via an elaborate network of Morse code signals sent through reprogrammed coffee makers.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was only officially confirmed and sworn in as the new Secretary of Health and Human Services yesterday, but he's already making his presence felt in a major way. Sweeping changes are coming to the way the federal government promotes health, and it starts with the famous Food Pyramid.

Trump, who won reelection in November 2024 partly by claiming he could end the Ukraine war in one day, spent his first month in office posting cryptic messages on Truth Social about how the “deep state” was preventing him from implementing his genius plan. Now, with pressure mounting, he has finally delivered on his promise – by offering to surrender on Ukraine’s behalf.

Algorithm Also Tags Users Who Post "Everything is Awesome" During National Crises

(Washington DC) As the trump administration continues - to the cheers of republicans and the dismay of Americans - to dismantle the government bureaucracy and insult nations around the world, news has surfaced of a bright moment that should unify the nation in acceptance. Marc Fogle, an American school teacher held in russia over possession of a small amount of medical marijuana, has been held for three year in russian jails; however, direct talks between trump and russian president vladimir putin quickly led to the release of Fogle, who enjoyed a tearful embrace with his family this week. Americans on both sides, however, are not sure how to react.

“I don’t see how this hurts democrats,” said Doug Crabler, a Columbus, Ohio temporary assembly line hire. “Sure his family is happy, but what if one of them voted for Harris? Also, what did we trade for, no one is talking about that?”

“Yeah, this seems like a distraction from DOGE getting rid of them useless government employees,” said one coworker, not aware that weakened labor laws were decreasing wages at the plant. “I mean, it’s good, but it might not help us get rid of all those extra state department guys if they look good with things like this.”

Democratic voters are also torn in their response. “I’m happy for Marc and his family,” said Betty Schluster, a lifelong democratic voter. “But I don’t know how to take this. Can trump do something good? On purpose? I’m having trouble rectifying that idea in my head with everything else going on. Also, what was traded? Why is no one talking about that part?”

The trump administration, who touts the release as a good sign towards ending the war in Ukraine, claims “not much” was given in return. Betty Schluster was not impressed by that response. “Okay, that is normal trump again, refusing to say what we gave and trying the release to the war in Ukraine. I’m just trying to wrap my head around him doing something noble… there has to be a way this hurts people.”

Doug Crabler agreed: “there has to be a way this hurts people,” he said confidently.

Reporters gathered at the scene noted that by “putting [his] body on the line,” this particular lawmaker apparently just meant standing at the back of a quiet group and playing online chess on his phone.