38*365=13870
856346/13870=61.74
This guy masturbated 62 times per day if we assume that he is capable to jerk when a toddler. If we assume he starts jorking it from 12, then this rate goes to 90.23 faps per day
He is the king of gooners
this post was submitted on 28 Dec 2025
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And he still managed to sleep over 9 hours per day and walk over 14.7km (9.15mi) per day on average
He mastered the art of sleep'batin' and walk'batin', making him able to achieve such high numbers.
Some say he could never get off unless sleeping or walking.
Truly a sleepwalk'bater
He basically sleep walked while masturbating. Never heard of multitasking?
Maybe Deaths definition of a fap is 100 strokes. You know, as a way to differentiate between a 10 hour gooning session, and a 5 minute sleep-fap.
Rookie numbers.
At some point there ceases to be skin on the hog and you’re just rubbing blood.
Truly the most committed of our time.
I guess with that much masturbation, I can see how he died at 38.
Guess I'll get my affairs in order.
Ripped his dick smoove off
145L of booze? Rookie numbers.
They drank themselves to death on the first go. It's the only explanation.
I'm assuming that's like pure alcohol (as alcohol related stats usually are to negate the difference in drinks), so if he only drank beer of around 5% he would have drank 8700 beers. Say he started drinking alcohol at the age of 16 that averages out to somewhere between 7 and 8 beers a week (or the wine/booze equivalent). While not exactly alcoholic levels, this is above average (depending on where he lived) and an unhealthy amount.
This guy lived for 38 years, converting to somewhere between around 13,870 - 14,234 days. (I'm not doing leap years, you can't make me)
Sure, the masturbation stats are impressive and even the sex stats are not half bad but this guy pooped 14,234 times, truly he was regular as fuck. Maybe that was his secret.
Secret to die young?
All useless stats. I want to know my rank in those categories. Or maybe percentile. Maybe that's my boomer toxic trait, but I want to know how I stack up.
Yeah I want to know my win/loss record and world ranking at pool, chess, monopoly etc.
I don't expect any of them to be great, just interested.
Also curious how many completely unique sentences I said/wrote.
These are some wild stats. Why doesn't he poop
Edit: I'm now remembering that comas and periods aren't always used the way I'm used to
I was also thrown off by that.
I thought "damn died after only 1.5 rounds of sex. That's rough buddy!"
Also curious about what constitutes 3.4 kisses. Lol
Oh those pesky girlfreinds: neither a friend nor a fiend.
Yᴏᴜ Hᴀᴠᴇ Dɪᴇᴅ
Pʀᴇss Fɪʀᴇ Tᴏ Rᴇsᴘᴀᴡɴ
I don't wanna. Where's the power button?
I was recently thinking that if I died and went to hell, the greatest torture that could be inflicted on me would be to show me how much productive time I wasted pulling the meat.
meat pulling is productive.
You typically produce something...
I would be interested to see the total percentage of time I have spent in virtual worlds vs waking life.
Forget stats, I want to see commented replays. Every time I missed a hint of person. Every person that got romantic/sexual feelings for me and the best time to make a move. Every time I lost something or got robbed. Shit like that. I'm really interested in that, even though it could be hell, when you realize how much you missed. To really rub salt into the wound, they could show you "what if" scenarios of missed opportunities. For example what would have happened if I did a bit better at a job interview? What if I applied for a job, where I skipped over the ad? Of course only realistic stuff and just one change. For example I never had any plans of getting a doctor and there would have been several different changes, to be remotely realistic.
And can I get to choose some perks for my next life?
If no, here's some suggestions:
- Intuitive hindsight: In your next life, you'll have an "intuition", which will be able to help you to help repeating good things and avoiding mistakes, but the more you change the new timeline, the less trustworthy it becomes.
- Supernatural talent: Based on your previous life's talents, you can more easily guess how certain things works.
First story in David Eaglemans book Sum is about this and goes a bit more into details with a fun twist: https://annas-archive.org/md5/78ce796e77c9b0bd0b4f1fabae08ca35