Just chilling at home, depressed
this post was submitted on 25 Dec 2025
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damn, sorry bro
Don't be. Last year I was forced to be with relatives in NYC, I hated it even more. Too much people, I think I have sensory issues, NYC was filled with graffiti, streets were kinda dirty (no offense to New Yorkers, it's just facts, I used to live there btw) and I'm kinda germophobic, so that really made me anxious af. My interversion kicked in and my heartrate went up, conversation drains my energy, i never really connected with any of them.
We went to some Chinese restaurant in Brooklyn.
One of the relative had a kid that was eating with their hands and OMFG god damn drooling over their plate, then grabbed the food in the middle of the table with their hands and like probably contaminated it. And it had the glass thingy where you can rotate the center of the table so I felt like the contamination has infected everything.
Like my anxiety just went from 50 to 110.
I didn't say anything out lous but kinda whispered it to my parents.
I felt kinda sick, not sure if its placebo/nocebo effect
I felt even more depressed being there, everyone just talking and being happy, and me just being sad.
Also most of the cousins are American-born, so they had English at the start. I was born in China, didn't really know English until I was like 10, and didn't speak it fluently enough until I was probably 12 at the time. And one of the cousins bullied me. I think its one of these American-born Chinese and China-born Chinese have like conflicts or something. I get alienated from the start, so that's probably why I never feel belonging. Even in school, US-born Chinese kids still bullied me, only those who spoke Cantonese or on rare occasions there's a Mandarin speaker. I only got along with those. Language tribalism I guess.
By the time I learned English to a conversational level, that I feel confident in, I no longer feel connected to those cousins.
As for adults, that's a generation divide, even if I know the language.
The Adults were all born in China or HK so they get along well.
The like 5 cousins all were born in the US, spoke English at the start, so they go along well.
Me and my older brother were born in China, so we got isolated from the rest of our extended family.
My older brother and I had fights, so we no longer talk.
So yea... there is discrimination even when you are from the same ancestry and bloodlines, just because of the language barrier (the language barrier that no longer exist anymore, but now it became an emotional barrier, now its too late and its too awkward, and we don't even live in New York anymore
damn. my experience is opposite. i was born in the uk but guess what, i was raised in a third world country since my parents were just in the uk at the time i was born. Similar but opposite.
What wait? So you have UK citizenship at birth but never had memories living there? I'm so confused lol
Ditto.
Yo, want to swap YouTube recs for shits and giggles? I've got one new one from a sibling I'm particularly keen to explore.
NightHawkinLight - really down-to-earth guy who finds ways to make more complicated chemical projects from home with easy to source ingredients. His latest videos are about DIY aircrete that might work in some projects I've been mulling.
And I recommended Bobby Fingers, an Irish guy who makes dioramas. The topics he picks for his dioramas are hilarious. He made one of Fabio getting smacked in the face by a bird while riding a rollercoaster. His clay modeling skills are also amazing.
Got drunk as fuck with my family and played our annual christmas games tournament. Girls won this year by one fucking point.
Alone in the sweet home with some good food and films.
I got my parents to watch hitch hikers guide to the galaxy for the first time, they gave me the books in a one volume edition which I have not read before and I gave them tritium keychains, very scifi christmas lol This all spurred out from when we got seated at table 42 at a restaurant like a month earlier.
I'm not celebrating, but I am having a good time because...Yeah, might as well!
SO’s mom paid for a resort stay at a winery for a few days. Just the 3 of us doing some gift exchange and wine tasting.
I'm under multiple blankets because I can't afford to heat my house, I ate a three dollar frozen pizza, drinking cold brew coffee, and I'm watching Looney Tunes & Muppets on Internet Archive.
Spent the morning with my parents, and chilling for a bit to see a couple specific relatives then dip back home to be with my SO since the whole of my family is..more than I want to deal with on 4 hours sleep lol and I don’t want to drink and drive.
Went and visited my parents some, then went home, smoked weed, and played video games. All told a pretty fabulous holiday.
Family outing to a Chinese restaurant and going to see that Timothee Chalamat ping pong movie
1/3 of my day helping mom in the kitchen - glad to do that.
1/3 of my day helping dad with his laptop - this was fuckin annoying because there wasn't a damn thing wrong with his computer to start with.
Yesterday he wants to distro hop because Linux Mint doesn't have a ProtonMail app (Why this is suddenly an issue after using Mint for a month is beyond me).
He decides on Fedora 43 Workstation. Easy enough to do except neither of us can enable the third party repos.
Next, he tries Fedora Everything (I never heard of this one). Dad found it too complicated.
This morning he is back on Mint and using a browser to access Protonmail. But now the laptop will not charge. This takes most of the morning and afternoon for him to solve. By this point I really couldn't care less.
Chipping away at the largest cheese ball I have ever seen. My mom made it. I don't know why. She's never once made a holiday cheese ball before, but doggonit, if she's going to do it she'll go all out.
Other than that, toodling around in my dad's garage/workshop using some tools I don't have myself at home. Probably play some board games later. Eat lots of food. Swap YouTube recommendations for makers/DIY type channels.
Went travelling a bit and visited some cities in neighbouring countries. Had a good time in one city and was underwhelmed by another. But all in all, not bad!
- I spent most of the day troubleshooting computer issues. Installed Ubuntu, Nvidia drivers, CUDA stuff, long list of obvious basic dependencies etc. Almost managed to follow the instructions for installing a local LLM. Turns out, this is not a two hour project. Yes, I know Nvidia is my problem. This is a self inflicted wound and I'm intentionally playing this game in the hard mode.
- Got a haircut. Fortunately my favorite barber shop is run by Iraqi Kurds, so they don't give a rats ass about Christmas schedules. 👍
- I also wanted to have the wrist band of my watch adjusted, but all the relevant shops were closed today. 🙁
Overall, not a bad way to spend my time.
I slept most of it away because I know I have to go in tonight to work, and work for a ungrateful store for an equally ungrateful company.
But I'm coming off of 5 days off too so it's like, trying to get my mind into the swing of things.
Worked on my thesis👍