Ask Lemmy

Maybe because staying single is actually better?

Are we talking about the ceremony of marriage or the legal contract? I highly recommend committing yourself to a partnership if you find one, but personally I don't see a benefit to government marriage in many cases.

Not everyone is compatible to be in a happy marriage and not everyone who is compatible is with someone they are compatible with.

There are also some fields that attract a kind of guy who sees himself as a provider for his family first and foremost, leaving his wife to perform the familial labor. This separation of work can lead to some unhappy marriages lasting longer than others.

Because we are lacking actualization. I will use I statements but there is LOTS of consulting with other men and reflection in this.

I enjoy making my wife and kids happy. I get some satisfaction from compersion. A lot in fact. But that is not primarily for me. I am not filling my own cup as it we’re.

But what I really want is to win women. I want the admiration and loyalty of women. I essentially want a harem. That is a huge ask and not realistic but deep down inside that is what I repress all day every day. I am hardwired to pursue women. I have found this to be true of basically all men in private conversation, whether they verbalize it in those terms or not. It is not politically correct and so crazy to say out loud that the very idea of my true sexuality is essentially a thought crime.

I don’t want monogamy.

I will never be really satisfied by sports or fishing or whittling wood or any of the things that we take on when we retire from life by participating in monogamy.

The grass is always greener it’s true and I think a lot of men have experienced loneliness and are happy to have someone. I have always had an SO and a waiting list. My wife is so incredibly good to me that I just can’t leave to fulfill myself. It’s fucked up honestly and I carry a lot of resentment.

This is just the part you asked about and there are complexities throughout but that’s the gist.

I think you might be talking to the wrong people. I know many people in happy marriages, male and female.

2 decades with my partner yes there are lots of unpleasant parts but sometimes you want someone to hold you and say everything is going to be alright and mean it. Is it incredibly frustrating my partner is asexual? Yes, but ultimately I sleep next to my best friend and know im safe and with someone I can trust.

23 years, while hard, I'm very happy

My guess: these men never learned how to maintain and care for a relationship or cannot stand up for themselves. At the beginning of a relationship everything is exciting and without maintenance (from both sides) it quickly goes downhill. I can imagine for some of those men this downhill part is their equivalent view of marriage / long term relationship. Which checks out if your experience is dominated by passive or active neglect from/of their partner ,

I thought marriage benefited men? Maybe guys who like to get around don't want to be married, but they could marry a swinger, and still do that. Maybe they are loaded and want to keep it all?

But for two regular people in a heterosexual marriage, in general, men benefit more from the arrangement. Meaning both people do benefit - economy of scale, split work, but generally speaking men gain more than women, the split isn't even in most cases.

My real guess is that it's nostalgia for a situation they would not have even if they had not married. They misremember their youth.

If they just mean legal marriage and taxes they have a point. That can be cheaper if you stay unmarried, it depends. We pay more married than we did unmarried because we each were single parents, and our earnings are close to the same amount.