Ask Lemmy

100k miles is practically new lmao

Did your spouse at any point ask you what you wanted for your birthday, or did you at any point tell them (of your own volition) what you wanted for your birthday?

Wanting to return it seems hurtful to me. You could probably just use it later, could you not?

This reminds me of a family member doing this once and not getting why it hurt my other relative. They eventually apologized because they realized rejecting a nice gesture is a dick move. Don't be a dick.

This sounds like me... Father gave me a gift that I don't need, I get irritated and said something that I shouldn't say. Spouse pointed that out to me, said it was their thought that mattered. I feel sorry and guilty ever since...

I never used that thing, but I kept it very safe.

I see a lot of "just accept the gift" here, but that's a rough choice. If you accept the gift, then you would be expected to use it over the one that you like. Your wife may even go so far as to throw the other one away (depending on what it is). So I don't think accepting the gift was ever an option.

It really is a hard spot to be put in, and I would have probably done the same thing in your position, even though I hate denying gifts. The whole premise of gifting is flawed, imo, at least where I'm from. To me, the one being gifted is put more on the spot than the one gifting. I hate getting gifts for this reason.

So maybe this. Explain why you like the one you use better, but that you're very happy with the gift. Ask her if it's okay if you keep that gift as a backup if your first one breaks and store it by the first one "just in case". Its never bad to have two of something.

I'm very suprised by a lot of these comments. it's very common advice that a gift giver should gift something that the reciever wants, not the giver. Not gifting someone they already know isn't common advice but it's already common sense. Common sense isn't always as common as the name suggests, though, and we all have blind spots. The other commenters may be right in that your wife's reaction might be a sign that your tone was harsher than you intended or thought, but that doesn't change the fact that you were hurt as well. if this was an aquiantance i might agree that you should have just accepted the gift graciously even if you were just gonna return it, but your partner should someone you can be honest with and someone who will appreciate that honesty

like most relationship problems, i think the best way to move forward is to talk it out. i'd apologize for the way you reacted whether or not you actually blew your lid as an olive branch. explain again calmly where you're coming from with this and emphasize gratitude that your wife was observant enough to get you a gift they thought you would use while also explaining- again, calmy- why your wife came to the wrong conclusion. try and zero in on the heart of the problem- was it specifically that you wanted to return it that was the issue? then you might be able to compromise that you keep it until your current one is broken beyond repair, for example. never ever ever say "i'm sorry you feel that way," that never goes well, but do show genuine concern and remorse for the way that they feel. after your wife blows off some steam, if you both approach this calmly and in good faith i'm sure you'll be able to find a compromise. that might look like your t-shirt rule, "no gifting things i already own," or deciding to always gift "experiences" instead like another commenter said, or maybe just no gifts moving forward if it really is always going to be a point of contention

good luck to you and i hope everything works out well for the both of you

Both parties have yet to learn that simple piece of wisdom:

The bait must be to the fish's liking, not to the angler's.

I'm going to go a different route with advice.

Once this all gets worked out, it might be worth considering a new rule with gifts: don't gift things, gift experiences. Or alternatively, don't gift permanent things, gift consumables.

If you gift someone a tool, appliance, dress, etc. then they will need to find space to store it, even if they don't like it. But if you get them a bottle of wine, or a dinner, or a trip to the Bahamas, then if they don't like it it won't be there forever and they'll likely have a nice story.

But that might not work with your relationship and I have no way of knowing. Just pitching the idea in case it's a good fit for you

I could see you not reacting well to the gift and them being upset, but then it turned into something more than that. They made the mistake of doing something that you claim is well known you don't like. You held your line and rather than let it sit for a bit insisted it had to go. Now you're both mad/upset over a gift. Doesn't make sense, does it? Even more so if the value of this object isn't that much even new. Who is hurt more by this? You're confused about their reaction but were you hurt by the act of giving, even if it was something unwanted? The core thing you should ask yourself is why it became an argument, and was it worth it? It doesn't even matter who was right.

Just say thank you for the gift and move on. It has always been comical how much angst happens over gifts…

Making an issue about a gift is stupid.

This story is specifically non-gendered but people keep assuming that OP is male and partner is female.

Gifts don't have to be something you like, want, or need. It's about the thought, care, and love that goes into them. Whether you like new things or old things, it doesn't matter. Gifts have subtext. Your SO probably will equate your love for the gift with your love for them. Use them both. Love them both. Love the people who gave you both.

I understand why both of you might be upset but they will eventually understand why it wasn’t the best gift idea for you and all will be fine. Those things happen, don’t interpret so much into it. It might not be as obvious to them as you think it should be that you don’t like new things. Talk about it in a respectful way, they wanted to do something nice for you after all.

Is the gift so expensive that you feel it necessary to reclaim the money? Would it feel as though something was missing if they hadn't got you anything? It seems like the more appropriate choice in this situation might have been to accept the gift generously and simply not used it, or not used it often and continued to use the older item. Then, if asked about it, perhaps explained it at that point instead of making a point of explaining that you wanted to return the item and get the money for it.