No Stupid Questions

A complete lack of self-awareness seems to help with appearing confident.

Is this parody ? (This is a genuine question btw)

The part that makes me think that:

Or maybe they're just on a different level cause they're from the best country in the world and are the best/most capable people in the world.

Just keep in mind, you may have this perception because the Americans you see are happy and on vacation lol. They’re traveling to another country, which selects for confidence and curiosity.

Americans so good at that they're just on a different level cause they're from the best country in the world and are the best/most capable people in the world.

Is this post AI generated? Who would still think that in 2025, let alone from another 1st world country?

Cause it's my ultimate dream to be on that same level and interact with people like Americans.

Reading your posts seems like you fit right in? All so amazing, the best etc.

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(Am an introverted American 🫠)

Look, someone has misrepresented America, and Americans to you. You have to be in VERY specific places for the type of interactions that you are describing.

Very many places in America, nobody wants to talk to you, greet you, look at you, or have you smile in their direction.

What you are describing is "Small town vibe" where you in fact usually have to be a part of the small town before people will start treating you the way you have described.

People in America have social anxiety as well.

If your desire is to be good at interpersonal relations, then you need to practice exactly that. If your fellow Germans aren't up to the task, then I suggest finding some alternative to Omegle (since I think that got shut down?) and try to small talk with strangers over a webcam if you can.

I'm an American, was born here and lived here all my life, and lemme tell ya I am a goddamned introvert as all hell. Lol.

We're also stupid beyond belief. Have you considered removing your sense of shame and any semblance of introspection?

But on a more pragmatic note, I think a lot of comfort in (anything, but especially in) social situations requires putting in the repetitions and trying to model certain people or traits. Who do you aspire to resemble? I've always appreciated media with fast-paced, witty dialog. Sitcoms from the 90s (for example, Seinfeld or Friends, to name a couple); movies by, for example, Kevin Smith or Guy Ritchie, and just becoming more comfortable with the language. Read more, watch more, expand your vocabulary, learn and master figures of speech. Then find people to hang out with and practice. Go for coffee, or a walk, or a beer, and be candid with your companions about your desires to speak captivatingly and confidently.

You can always try to memorize some key phrases, like:

"did you see that ludicrous display last night?"

https://youtu.be/gWJIQm9qH-w

From my experience it's just part of the cultural differences. While many Americans, at least in the Midwest where I spent a lot of time for work, are very friendly and outgoing, I hardly ever got the impression that it's deep or meaningful. From my experience it was very easy to have great conversations with people whom I hardly knew or had met just an hour ago but hardly ever did it go anywhere meaningful.

Now to the question of how does one become this outgoing kind of person: just try and talk to people, remain friendly and open. It will likely take some practice and maybe not be reciprocated by your average European.

Different parts of the USA have different expectations for small talk, but it is generally higher than I've seen for parts of Europe.

That said, being outgoing is a muscle for some people and, because of cultural differences, Americans tend to work out this muscle more than other countries.

Immersion therapy man. Go find a board game meetup, exercise meetup or sports meetup or something that puts you in a situation where you're gonna be able to have casual conversations.

Loads of people just like you with social anxiety and who are introverted though in the US, and honestly any nation in the Americas... and probably the world.

As an American, I can say that I understand the feeling you are describing. The first thing I will say is that you aren't introverted - you are probably a normal person who has a normal amount of desire to interact with other people. What you are describing is social anxiety. I highly recommend going to therapy to tackle this problem directly.

I will repeat: Find. A. Therapist.

Trying to tackle this issue on your own, with help from random strangers on the internet, is playing life on nightmare mode. If you ever progress at all, your progress will be agonizingly slow because you will procrastinate and work inefficiently because there is no one guiding you through the process or holding you accountable for doing the things you know you should do.

Going along with that, is there anyone in your life you feel comfortable talking to about your problems, like a friend or family member? If so, tell them how you are feeling, tell them how you hope to solve the problem, and ask them to hold you accountable. The more people you have supporting you, the easier it will be to take the necessary steps to overcome your anxieties.

Next, accept this: you are going to embarass yourself. A lot. In fact, in large part, embarrassing yourself is the whole point of doing things which challenge your social anxiety. Socially confident people do embarrassing things all the time - they accidentally rub someone the wrong way, or tell a joke that flops, or accidentally say something inappropriate, or get shot down when they ask someone out on a date. The difference is, they feel momentarily embarrassed, and then they let the feeling roll off of them and move on with their lives. They don't see their embarrassment as representative of themselves as people, or think that their social faux pas will define them for the rest of their lives. The way you get there is by making mistakes, embarrassing yourself, and then noticing that you still have friends and people still want to talk to you. Your social anxiety is driven, in large part, by the fact that you never make mistakes, because you never actually say anything that might make you feel embarrassed. You are still hung up on the fact that that one time when you were 11, the other kids laughed at you when you didn't know the capital of Argentina or whatever. All the socially confident people also had that experience, and then had a bunch more experiences like it, and now realize that momentary embarassment is no big deal. You've been avoiding being embarrassed, so now it is your job to make up that lost ground.

This leads us to an interesting question - what is the point of socializing at all? Because the goal you've been striving for all your life - to not be embarrassed; to never have anyone dislike you - is the exact opposite of how you overcome your social anxiety. So what should your new goal be? Well, it should be to express yourself honestly and authentically, and to have fun.

Two important points here.

First, being honest and authentic isn't something you just do. It is something you gradually get better at over time. Your social anxiety is your habit of compulsively hiding your authentic self from others so that you can never be rejected - it takes time to break down that wall, and learn to express yourself in a way that truly and succinctly expresses who you are at that particular moment, so don't beat yourself up if you feel like you "aren't doing it right". If you "can't think of anything to say", it is probably because your anxiety is telling you that your real, lived experience of the world is uninteresting to other people - that anytime you speak, you need to be blowing their minds with something beautiful or inspirational or hilarious. But this is not true at all. You can just say things that you notice. For example, you can tell the cashier at the grocery store "I love these things. I buy them all the time" when she finds up your favorite cookies. Or if you pass someone walking in the park, you can say "Hey, beautiful day, isn't it?" Or "A bit dreary today..." An even better hack, though, is talking about how you feel, especially when you feel nervous. Are you meeting a new group of people for the first time? You can just say "I'm feeling nervous meeting all of you for the first time because I want to make a good impression." This will simultaneously do a lot of good things - first it will make you feel better because you are no longer nervous about trying to hide your nervousness. Sharing how you feel will make the others you are speaking to relate to you better, because everyone knows what it is like to be nervous when meeting a new group of people. And it will likely mean that these people will go out of their way to make you feel more included in the group since now they know that this will help you. A good phrase to remember is "autistically honest" - that is your goal. STOP trying to be smooth - just blurt out whatever is in your head at that moment without regard for context or social acceptability, and see what happens. You can always explain yourself later if people are confused.

Second, if you are authentic and honest some people won't like you. People might not like you for literally any reason at all, from your hobbies to your job to your political views to your view of the world to what you named your dog as a kid. They might not like you because you have social anxiety, because you are trying to work on your social anxiety, or because you are less socially anxious than they are. To overcome your social anxiety, you must accept this - if someone doesn't like you for who you are, then that just means the two of you are a bad match for each other at this time. Who knows, maybe in a week or a month or a year, one or both of you will change and you'll be best friends. But even if that doesn't happen, there are 7 or 8 billion other people in the world, and you can go see if they like you for who you really are. This, of course, doesn't mean you shouldnt be trying to improve yourself - if very few people want to spend time with you because you never shower and smell bad, you shouldn't continue not showering because "this is who I really am and other people just need to accept that". But if you love playing Sim City: Skylines, then you shouldn't feel the need to hide this part of yourself, and if others don't like it then that's fine - you don't need them in your life.

It is also important to recognize that as you practice being authentically honest with people more and more, you will be more at ease doing so. You will naturally pick up on social cues easier and adapt them into your behavior without thinking or noticing. You will naturally gain new interests and opinions which align with the people you most connect with. You will find that you will say fewer embarrassing things, people will accept your flubs more supportively, and more people will like you. You do get better at socializing. But it isn't something you consciously practice, other than by reminding yourself to authentically and honestly express yourself. If you try to consciously practice being liked, you are only indulging your social anxiety, and are not making real progress. So if you find that you are embarrassing yourself and getting rejected a lot, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are on the right track - feeling this pain is part of the process of becoming a socially confident person.

So: go to therapy; get support from friends and family as much as you can; accept that you are going to embarrass yourself; accept that some people won't like you.

A lot of us are overconfident and overcompensating.

I have this extreme amount of shame that's blocking me.

I think exploring the origins of this shame and addressing it is the bare minimum required to getting you to a healthier inner space.

"Americans" is a stupidly large and diverse population to say anything meaningful about. It's extremely unlikely that that any population of humans of such a size doesn't include some individuals who are more extreme than you, both more and less, for almost all traits.

You're less likely to observe introverts than extroverts because one of those types will tend to do things in a way that are less likely to get your attention. You might well be experiencing observation/selection bias, possibly also reinforced by confirmation bias.

But whatever you think to be the "typical", even if you could estimate it using some unbiased sampling method, it is often not a helpful way describe the whole population, or at best a reductive "average" that has limited useful applications.

TLDR - human populations are diverse. I don't think any nation has ever effectively brainwashed or eugenicised their population into a single homogeneous group.

When I moved to America I adopted this personality. All it is is a script for me - I talk about observations in the current environment, the weather, comment if I like someone’s outfit/bag/shoes. It’s not genuine interest, although sometimes I get bored and talk to people.

We really aren't. The difference is, the most successful of us are. And those are the ones you typically seem to meet overseas. Because the less successful of us can't afford the trip.

It helps to have a "script" for interactions. Small talk is often the same formula of topics repeated in different situations. Learn to ask questions, but have answers to those same questions ready if you are asked. Don't get too personal or deep with it, small talk is meant to be pleasant but shallow.

It’s usually superficial chit chat. Just weather, sports, clothing the person is wearing and family. All easy and relatable subjects that can be used to break the ice.

The fact that your German is a great talking point to bring up!

I decided to make a new account to post this

My mentality that has helped (before I worked in retail and dealt with hundreds if not thousands of people a day) was realizing that they will probably think about me just as much as I think about them in a few hours. Which is not at all.

There is a little nihilism of "nothing in this conversation matter" mixed with I learned I kind of like people. The vast majority of people are nice.

Hey friend, American here. We all feel like that inside, at least a little. I was a huge introvert, and still am to an extent. However, I’ve been forced into pretending to be an extrovert for ages. I need a bunch of time to myself after things like business travel though, where I have to be the other me for long periods.

The only advice I have is: try it out. It sucks at first, but it gets easier. Sometimes you might actually enjoy it.

If you ever need help or want to practice in a judgement-free space, hit me up. My German isn’t so great but I’ve spent some time there.

!AskUSA@discuss.online

21 is a weird age. From the outside I seemed fine, but the inner turmoil was like going through puberty again. And the same happened at 29 or so! I thought, "Am I going to go through this shit every seven years for life?!"

Sounds like your problem is self confidence, and while I'm healthily confident, I'm certainly not qualified to say much. When I've gotten down in the past I've taken a step back and worked on my appearance. That's all on you and doesn't depend on others. The nicer you look, the better people treat you and that blooms confidence.

Looking good isn't as hard as people make out. No, you don't have to be rich. Can you get your teeth whiter, lose weight, catch a bit of sun, dress better, exercise, do something with your hair? I've noticed in life that the vast majority of us could easily be more attractive with a little work, and it's a truly rare person I'd consider "maxed out", no room to improve.

Any of that make sense?

Definitely not too weird a question!

There are plenty of introverted Americans who hate how extraverted it is here. And the U.S. definitely isn't "superior" to Germany in that way (or any other particular way.)

Also, there's a difference between introversion, shyness, social anxiety, an avoidant and/or schizoid and/or schizotypal personality type, an avoidant attachment style, hikikomori/shutins, autism, and plenty of other sorts of socially-averse sorts of temperments. Some are "problems", some aren't. Given the way you're talking about yourself, it sounds like what you're experiencing is something you'd like to change about yourself. I do think it's worth introspecting a bit (see what I did there?) and seeing to what extent your desire to change is internalized shame put on you by others and to what extent changing your presentation in the world would lead to a truer expression of your true self. But assuming the latter is the case...

Practice. Even if Germany is a pretty introverted place (and that's valid -- there are definitely differences regionally with regard to how introverted or extraverted the culture is) there are definitely places/events/gatherings/etc that are more expressions of extraversion than others. Immerse yourself in such events. Baby steps are fine. Start with contexts that are just a little bit more extraverted than you are if you like. And move on to more and more extraverted sorts of contexts. Also, I'd try to focus on events centered around things you hold a genuine interest in. (I, for instance, have enjoyed a lot of tabletop roleplaying games. That activity, even though it's engaged in with others, feels much less overwhelming to me given that everyone's focused on a common activity rather than just on "each other.")

One more word about this. Try to avoid "masking." That is, don't invent a facade of extraversion to show people. It's very cliche to say it, but: "be yourself." I think probably ultimately if you end up "pretending to be extraverted" rather than engaging in socialization in a way you genuinely enjoy, it's likely to do you more harm than good with regard to your goals.

Good luck!

I really think it's a cultural thing. It would be like me(an American) saying "how can I be more Japanese?"

To put a finer point on it, Americans have grown up in a culture where self expression and social interaction is encouraged. So we are less afraid of approaching a stranger for casual conversation. Add to that the fact that we, culturally, have very low self awareness. All we know is what offends other Americans. We rarely have the social intelligence to modify our behavior to match our surroundings.

So while, yes, Germans may be more reserved by nature; don't think that is a value judgement. If you want to be more outgoing do it in a German way. Americans are the way we are because we are Americans.

That said, if I could offer a suggestion to mitigate your social anxiety; I would suggest that other people don't think about you and your behavior anywhere near as much as you think they do. Most people don't give a shit. If you can't think of anything to say but you want to start a conversation a compliment is always a winning strategy. But nothing is a substitute for genuine curiosity.

Talk therapy has been a godsend for me developing emotionally and as a result socially. It takes years, so it’s not a magic pill. But I’m a version of myself that seemed completely unobtainable when I was younger and the changes are very positive. Takes a lot of working on yourself.

Reading the first line of this post had me laughing

As an American, this is the simplest way I can say this.

Ignorance is bliss.

The less you know, the happier you are.

The happier you are, the more outgoing you become.

It's a double edged sword.

I'll give you the chat code. Lots of eye contact, smile, and all then ask questions about them whenever the conversation dies. People, especially Americans generally love to talk about themselves.