Ask Lemmy

There are two kinds of copes: healthy & unhealthy. What is your goal? If it's to actually heal, you need to take steps towards healthy coping.

I'm working through my unhealthy copes. Things like targeted bitterness, willfully ignoring the issues, depersonalization, detached relationships, etc.

Long-term, I ain't doin' so great. But I'm trying to be in a healthier mindset in order to get better.

Baby steps.

And in case anyone needs a reminder: forgiveness does not mean "letting it ride"— sometimes it means letting it go of the hurt that's clung onto you so that you can move forward, regardless of the other party. It's a journey.... it.. certainly is a journey.. and it will absolutely take time. And it doesn't always involve closure. That's where I personally am right now.

Anyhow. Yeah.

I don't enjoy healthy coping. It hurts a lot. But I know it's what I need to do in order not to destroy both myself & the others around me who may genuinely care.

Idk. Shit's hard, yo.

EDIT: yeeeah, one time I did nothing else except immerse myself in a video game for like 3 months straight. No joke. Addiction has a lot of forms, but they'll all fuck you up.

By learning the hard way that holding onto grudges just makes me an angry person and that life is far more enjoyable if I just let that shit go. You're the only one bearing the toxic weight of that resentment, it doesn't affect them at all, so who are you holding onto it for? It only makes your life worse.

Drugs.

Cope?
Sugar, Video Games, Hobbies, Sport

Put in the work and heal from that on my own?
Allow and admit to myself that I have a long road ahead of me. Accept that I will fall back into resentment sometimes. There's years of experience with resentment, but only a few minutes of trying to heal. And that it will be a lifelong fight that will only get easier, but will never be gone, like an addiction.

Listen to how it feels having those years of resentment in my past. Try to accept and feel that feeling. Try to ask myself to what and why I was reacting with resentment. And question every truth/fact and answer that comes up. And question if the question is the right question. Really trying to get to the core of the resentment. Was I always resentful? How did I discover resentment as an answer to whatever caused it? What was the first thing in my life I resented? What am I trying to protect? Is there a better way to deal with it?

There are many more questions that would need answering, but these should give you a good start. Not all of them will be immediately obvious. Some will have an answer at first, that doesn't sit quite right. But your subconscious will use the available time during downtime (going for a walk (without music), going to bed, etc.) to eventually come up with the correct answer or question. But it will take time.

Is therapy an option? Because dealing with resentment is a big chunk of their work.

If not, self-improvement books and podcasts. Brene Brown, Happiness Lab.

Learn about healthy boundaries. Boundaries are for you, not other people. That is, you can’t say “you can’t do that to me” because you only control yourself, not other people. So instead you can say “if you do that, I will do _____” and then do it. That’s putting you in control. Resentment can stem from lack of healthy boundaries.

Learn about mindfulness and practice it. Rumination on the past gets you stuck. Mindfulness has the benefits of helping you recognize your thoughts, giving you some distance from them, and anchoring yourself in the present. Mindfulness builds these muscles.

I don’t know your situation or what you resent so these are pretty scattershot recommendations. A trained therapist can help you identify the strategies that work for you and your situation. If you need help finding one, the directory on psychologytoday.com is great in the US.

Why do you feel resentment, towards whom?

Change.

Screaming alone in a house all day while living in total isolation.