Ask Lemmy

I met my wife IRL, but that was after more than a decade on dating apps and multiple long relationships from them. They are the best tool ever created for learning to accept rejection, and learning to feel attraction dynamics/what your preferred partner may be attracted to. Best tool ever, also, if you struggle with confidence around your attracted gender, or struggle with self esteem. Even hyper attractive people who are looking for "the one" have to learn to overcome these things, it's just how romantic value works psychologically. These issues used to be my main barriers (and some baggage) and I didn't have a single date for 8 years before I decided "fuck it" and made a tinder account. It was awkward and it fucking sucked at first. Actually, using the app basically always fucking sucked, but it generated hope, at least, and opportunity. I had social and performance anxiety out the ass in the beginning, though.

Relationships/dating are like anything else: practice makes perfect. It sounds weird, I know. You don't need multiple partners necessarily, but you will grow and change and being in a relationship is the only way to promote that growth and change specifically in response to a relationship. In addition to "practice", these apps also allow you a LOT of vetting before you spend a single dollar or minute on a bad fit. This can be so frustrating with meeting people IRL and finding out a deal breaker after a LOT of investment. Usually you're only getting big picture information, but for me, a person who doesn't jive with the majority of the culture in my community (religion & politics), they were an absolute game changer!

It's been a long time, so take a big grain of salt with these recommendations, there may be better or more specific options for you! Hinge was my favorite. I only actually went out on dates with 3 people, but they were all high quality encounters. This was just after it came out, too, so there is probably a bigger user base now? Second I would say bumble, but it's a little more specialized.

A long time ago tinder was the best for volume and minimal investment time, it was also the one I used the longest and with by far the most success. Not sure how it is now, but as the cis man I was at the time I swiped right on every single profile and didn't get myself invested by being picky in the searching phase on tinder. There is plenty of time to reject before the first meet up and, even with people who swipe you back, the vast majority will simply ghost you after a bit, and that's just how it is, unless you are lucky enough to be drop dead gorgeous. I was learning not to set myself up for heartbreak by dreaming dreams I was gathering from pictures and text blurbs. You must learn to accept the rejection and stop letting it bother you first, and tinder was amazing at that, eventually you run out of people in your area, or at least I did, but this strategy on tinder made it so I didn't waste a lot of time reading and lopsidedly investing in anyone who was going to simply swipe my ass left in 0.5 milliseconds anyway. You can also run into people you know on any of these apps, which can be good or bad. Patience is key, don't lose hope, gain strength and resilience. Frame it as practice and self improvement, and not as magically finding the one in the first week.

Lastly, my absolute best dating advice in retrospect is MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY FIRST. Find a passion, find what fires you up, find your creativity, explore things that make you uncomfortable, take yourself on trips, or out to interesting activities with interesting people, grow as much as you possibly can outside of a relationship, even after you are in one. Regardless of gender, race, culture, sexuality, etc. every human on earth is attracted to passion, security, and ambition in a partner. Work on those traits first (also: hit the gym/eat right, it's just the reality of physical attraction) and you will attract people to you, which is natural and the ultimate goal in order to meet a person that can grow with the best version of you. In short, become the person you would be attracted to and definitely do not expect your future partner to make you into that person, or allow you to become that person after the fact. It's on you, no matter what stage of the journey you are at when you meet them.

The security of self actualization also allows you to feel confident enough in yourself to recognize when a relationship isn't working and take action, which is absolutely essential to not becoming trapped because you don't think you could do better, or find anyone else. No matter what people say, no one is ever attracted to another person, indefinitely, simply because that person is also attracted to them, it doesn't happen. Even in the highest value partners across the spectrum of all humans ever, attraction waxes and wanes. So, if your goal is a rock solid, "grow old together" kind of love, you absolutely must build it on a solid foundation that will survive the difficult moments, and that isn't possible without being solid within yourself first and foremost.

I would not have had the confidence, or relationship skills to have met and married my wife without my time learning about myself through the use of these apps.