Ask Lemmy

That said, these things will never have no emotional toll. Nothing in life is free. To be totally detached isn’t being there for someone and that wouldn’t be the right way to handle these situations either.

Let me try again to explain what I meant with my statement on detachment. Lets imagine two people:

• Person 1 - They are someone you have no history with, but you are pretty confident they are a regular well-adjusted person just going through life. They're no hero, but also they are no villain. Lets say you know "of" them, but you don't know their personality, history, goals, or life desires. Perhaps they are an acquaintance of someone you know.
• Person 2 - This person is from your past that you had a deeply involved relationship with. You trusted them and were vulnerable with them, and this person intentionally harmed you emotionally because it got them something they wanted or perhaps your pain just was amusing to them or made them feel powerful. They used you and threw you away when they were done with you.

Your phone rings, its one of these two people. You've expressed you like to help people out in a jam. The person is in a jam asking if you can come and pick them up and drive them to their place of employment:

• If the caller is Person 1, then you are emotionally detached from them. You have only the slightest of history with them and no bad memories (or good for that matter) of interacting with them. They are totally benign to you emotionally. You'd grab your car keys and head out the door to pick up Person 1 and probably be thinking about what activities you'd be doing afterward or perhaps what you're planning to have for dinner. There is no emotional cost to helping Person 1 out as you are emotionally detached from them. This is simply an errand no different than going out and picking up a loaf of bread from a grocery store or a bakery.

• If the caller is Person 2, then you are very much emotionally entangled with them from your shared history and the pain they inflicted upon you. You run through mental scenarios about if this is an emotional trap of some kind. You work the mental angles to see how you need to protect yourself emotionally and physically. As you leave the house you mentally prepare yourself and armor yourself against what this person knows of your weaknesses. You drive there filled with anxiety and worry about how you might be hurt yet again by this person that has caused you so much pain. In the driver's seat you're reliving the horrible events from your shared past and feeling those negative hurtful emotions roll over you as though it is happening for the first time. Even if you complete the pickup and dropoff entirely uneventfully, you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. You drive home worried if letting this hurtful person back into your life will mean more emotional pain in the days ahead. Even without any negative things happening during the drive when they were in your car, this has cost you greatly emotionally, and it can for days afterward.

You are NOT obligated to be a tool of help to those that have wronged you in the past. The world is filled with millions of other people that have done you no wrong. You yourself are worthy of caring. There are so many other people worthy of your attention and goodwill. Leave the toxic people to their toxic lives. They are not entitled to your generosity. If they ever were, they harmed you, and lost any sense of privilege to your kindness. You don't have to be hateful to them, but you don't need to continue to invite them into your life at the cost of yourself.