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Yeah I've come to accept that everyone is different, but it makes it so hard to learn the right way to care for long hair lol.
What works for me now is I brush close to every day, and I clean the brushes. I sometimes wash with just water but my hair will start getting greasy if I don't shampoo once in a while. I try to use a minimally bad shampoo just on the scalp/roots and conditioner just on the ends.
And once in a while I get seboritic dermatitis / dandruff, and I use a medicated anti fungal shampoo that clears it up.