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I responded to your comment correctly. You said to apologize even if they didn't blow their lid as an olive branch.
What exactly is the apology worth if you don't actually believe you did anything wrong? That's manipulative. You are giving a false impression of contrition.
And people pick up on disingenuous behavior often enough that you shouldn't do it.
I'm not the best at explaining myself, especially in text only, so I'm sorry if I'm not being clear, I don't know how else to explain the dishonesty it makes me feel thinking about that it.
It's like a corporation making a public apology. If you don't actually feel bad then it's an empty gesture with only an ulterior motives behind it. That rubs me entirely the wrong way.
In not claiming to be the world's best communicator or even a member of that League, but it's clear as day to me how much of a problem lieing is because people refuse to see it as a problem
i agree with you that insincere apologies are wrong. OP structured their post looking to understand their wife's POV, rather than to get a bunch of strangers to agree with them like on an AITA post. if that were the case i definitely wouldn't suggest apologizing. OP acknowledges that they hurt their wife, even if they didn't mean to, much like their wife hurt them, even if they didn't mean to. i just think sitting down and actually expressing that, saying "hey, i wouldn't have said that or said it the way i said it if i knew it would upset you, i'm sorry" establishes empathy and good faith, and often times doing that is enough to get the other person to do the same thing. if OP didn't seem sorry i wouldn't have suggested apologizing
i think my wording was the problem here in hindsight. "i'd apologize for the way you reacted whether or not you actually blew your lid" does sound like i'm saying to apologize for being angry even if you weren't angry. what i was trying to say was that apologizing for hurting them, even if their reaction seemed way out of proportion to what OP said or how OP said it, would be a good first step to reconciliation