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My hot take is that, of all the intensifiers, “literally” is the one that makes the most sense.
What are the options? “Really”, “actually”, and “literally”. What do they mean?
So if you’re trying to say that you’re scared rather than that you actually soiled yourself, which makes the most sense as a sentence: “I really shit myself”, “I actually shit myself”, or “I literally shit myself”? It’s the latter, right? Because (most) literature is fictional. And reality is reality.
I mean, none of it really matters because, as you say, the “rules” of English are just cobbled-together-nonsense. But to take the “you don’t mean literally because you didn’t have shit up your back” people at face value and apply their logic - “literally” makes the most sense.
Somewhat related - if “flammable” and “inflammable” can both mean “catches on fire easily” so that “doesn’t catch on fire easily” has to be the ridiculous “nonflammable”, then there’s no reason why people can’t use “irregardless”. No, the construction of the word doesn’t make strict logical sense. And…?