I can love: Women. One or many. Animals like cats, birds. Imaginary god
The concept of love is weird. I guess someone introduced me to it or it felt like that. Then I couldn't handle the path it is taking me. Then I took a break from potential paths. Then I thought about my childhood or rather what I imagine what my childhood was, idk why, but it is somehow relevant. I saw my pic when I was 6 yo recently. I seem loved but that was probably because I was too young to understand reality. Concept of love is interesting. It has something to do with family.
She, along with others also introduced me to the realization that I can have kids. Before them, it was a distant idea (but I didn't know it was distant).
Btw, by love I mean general love like something that includes dad-child, man-woman, human-animal. Though with women there would be a sexual part of it. Actual sex without love seems disgusting to me altho idk what love is exactly. I think maybe only damaged people can do that.
I don't know what love is exactly and I am not sure but I think I loved about a dozen women relatively recently tho I haven't even kissed them. - or Maybe I just liked them without loving them. or Maybe I loved myself for becoming attractive. Idk. I am using my observations of others to understand myself in the rest of this paragraph: I noticed (other) women would catch me enjoying myself while I was listening to music which are associated with my emotions of connections with women, and such music either made me feel like I love someones or I am loved or I am attractive. Idk for sure. The women who observed me appeared to derive in a similar conclusion based on their micro expressions. I guess maybe they thought I loved someone(s) or I was loved or idk. I didn't even thought I loved anyone until a few months later. I talked to someone about someone who made me feel more alive and he asked if I fell in love with her. At the the time, I didn't even understand what he was talking about but maybe he was right idk.
Whatever that was, it was great. At the time, I thought this is better than having a billion $.
So I guess the question is what should I love? A woman? Women? Not women, but just my future kids? Can animals be enough of a medium for love, assuming you're not crazy? What about god? Can I believe in and love something that doesn't exist?
Let's move to loving women part. Should I even love? In my experience, they can tell if I actually like them or not, somehow very quickly and based on little observation. When I like them, they are way more open to me, which makes me feel... good lol. But like I said I haven't slept with them so I can't be sure. But what I am sure of is those who invest more always receive less and usually they are exploited. That's nature laws 101. You can't argue against reality.
I don't want to be fooled or let myself get exploited. It doesn't feel good.
Let's move to something else. Alternative to love seems to me like protecting my interest e.g if she says she's tired and I don't think she's honest, I'd withdraw attention until she's no longer tired... tho btw if I feel she's lying, I would no longer be into her anyway, but what if love makes me blind such that I can't see she's lying? - Back to the previous point in this paragraph, should I ruthlessly protect my boundaries of my existence and my interest? Can I realistically do that towards someone I love? Also how do I know my boundaries? More often than not, reality is what you define it. And practically women's main role appears to be being open if she wants you, and being open to kinda everything, so its like this is a combination of a big supermarket and empty canvas, so I can have anything I want and do whatever I want and design/paint whatever I want, for the most part, if she really likes me. So how do I decide on what I want? My first B in school was from painting class because there's infinite options and I can't decide on an option among infinite options.
Also another concern is lets say I clearly warned someone about my desire to want non long term relationships, but she wanted to stay and we continued a relationship. Well, what if we become too much of a one. I am probably (not confirmed yet) great at being what women want. What if she breaks and then breaks my car? I also don't want to hurt people's spirit. Also it kinda doesn't make sense to be separated from a big source of happiness but I need to gain experience to have healthy relationships for me. - At some point, she will continue but she will hope I don't mean what I said and she will basically leave it up to me or something, so again its like anything I want and I am basically responsible. - Another reason I want something short term is I want to have a good thing from start to end so I can have one human relationship in my life that was good from start to end. I can meet her time to time and just reconnect maybe, idk, which brings me to another thing.
It seems healthy humans have a capability for recognizing people who are similar to them in terms of maybe background, goals or values, even if two of them don't talk more than 2 minutes in their entire life. Idk if its energy or body language or what. Probably energy. Anyway, what I want probably is to have everything in one woman, which I guess what everybody wants. Well... if I have relationships with many women maybe that will make my energy different, and I won't be able to see or be seen by someone I really want.
Another concern which matters less than the last one, is that I know some guys who are visually more attractive than me (at least imo) but they get less attention because they give less attention (or idk what) because (i guess) they're used to sleeping with many women. I am not. So I feel like I have a precious rare edge in the dating market. Maybe I shouldn't waste it. Or maybe I am full of shit and trying to find reasons to avoid love if that's what I avoid. Maybe I can have anything and everything at the same time and it is only up to me to just ask for it and universe will provide
So those are some questions on my mind.
ps I know I am talking to nerds, don't worry :D
atoms to humans?