The Onion

(Washington DC) Citing presidential privilege, the White House issued a retraction to the pardon of Hunter Biden on Thursday. “We were supposed to pardon a turkey, can you believe that,” said trump in remarks at dinner. “I said I don’t pardon that turkey, we eat it. I rescind the pardon. And I thought, that’s a great idea, so I started rescinding other pardons, too.”

Government scholars note that this is not how presidential privilege works, and that a former president’s pardon cannot be rescinded. Despite that, the Justice Department is ordering Hunter Biden to prison, while lawyers make demands to the Supreme Court to correct the matter. Like most matters with trump’s inappropriate use of power, the lack of precedent is causing confusion.

Surprisingly, a great deal of pushback is coming from inside the trump administration itself, as many are concerned about the value of a pardon they may receive with a change of leadership. But trump dismisses the concerns. “They’re worried another president will cancel their pardons, but it will never happen.” The president declined to clarify what would never happen.

Ordinary Americans are unsure how to handle the announcement. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Hope, Arkansas, said, “I just don’t know what to make of this. The president has insulted our allies, wrecked international trade, hurt US business, and castrated the free press. But this might mean I have to see Hunter Biden’s butt again, and I don’t like that.”

Hunter Biden could not be reached for comment, and is presumed to have left to a first world country while the matter is decided.