Ask Lemmy

I’ve read stuff like this online and was hoping it wasn’t real

I have Asian parents (we live in the US) and they're kinda abusive, mostly emotionally, and yes the trying to get in your room all the time was kind of "normal" in my "overton window" of parents. (emphasis on quotes, I'm not saying the "normal" equates to acceptable)

As for invasion of privacy, yes that was a common thing. My mother is constantly try to get access to my phone because she's "worried about bad influences" or some shit. Like around when I was like 13, 14(?)... That kinda stopped when I got older.

The sexual aspects... idk, they said porn was bad, but I never really had any parental controls on my stuff (the stuff they allowed me to have, technically electronics not "my" things, more like they bought me stuff after I sort of begged for it). For context, Asia really represses the sex-related stuff, especially in China, where we were from, porn is blocked, like you could theoretically go to jail for porn, even of depictions of consenting adults. But even in democratic countries like South Korea, its still blocked (though, VPN access is easier in South Korea).

So yea... I never really told them about the porn... which I eventually kinda stopped anyways because I think I might be just asexual lol. But yea if they found out, they'd think its like "damaging for the brain" or something, they treat it almost like if you chatted with adults strangers or something.

Like "if you watch too much sexual stuff, you're gonna lose the ability to reproduce" or some stupid shit. I don't think China even has sex-education lmao. They never even said a thing, until I just randomly mentioned about my mother's period stuff just as a subtle indicator of "yes, I know how human anatomy works lol", they never really said a thing. Never had "the talk" lol. Very weird family dynamics in thos aspect.

I never had a journal, didn't feel safe. I mean, I was very nerdy with codes and stuff so I'd probably have used a code had I been journaling.

My older brother never really dared to go through my stuff ever since I got my own room and like I got older. Like dude I can fight, sure, we both get hurt, but its like Mutually Assured Destruction, wanna start shit, I'll mess us both up. Still, I worry he might perceive a transgression for something I didn't do and then "revenge" on such perceived grievance. So yea its kinda like cold war all the time.

But as for the "test your sexuality" stuff, never happened. They kinda just assumed everyone is heterosexual. Religion isn't that serious in China, so its never as crazy as the American South and the "Christians". But yes it's still very hetero-normative society.

My mom joked about "do you have any girlfriends? no? what about gay-friends?" then laughs like its funny or something. But also tells me to focus on school and not romance stuff. I don't think they oppose romance, but they are more worried about grades. But then again, I'm kinda asexual so I never bother with romance anyways.

If I was gay, I think my mother would, not really shame the gay aspect, but more like the "what about my grandchildren" type of stuff, and be disappointed, and would probably try to use inheritances as leverage (I assume, since this part is hypothetical). Like.. being "gay" isn't really a "sin", but "continuing the bloodline" is very important somehow, everyone in Asia is obsessed about it. So yeah, on thay aspect, they'll be disappointed. But I think they'll still be happy I have a "gay-friend", they'll just assume I'll "eventually become heterosexual again" and this is just gonna become another normal friend, as if this is just a "phase". Again, hypothetical, as I'm not actually gay.

As for if I was trans... yea no... they'll think it's 变态 and a mental illness and would constantly try to "cure" me of it. Or probably disown me for being "broken". This is less of anti-trans, more like ableism. I mean I have depression and they already treat me like I'm sort of "broken" and they are talking of leaving me out of inheritances lol.

Grew up in very similar hell. It's way more common than people think but also not appropriate at all.

I've since completely cut off the toxic members of my family and never been happier.

This isn't normal, but it's also no unexpected from a background of people who need the control over other's lives. In this case it's mostly because of religion, but it isn't solely that.

If it's any help, I would recommend keeping your private life, well, private.

It might be healthier for you to break contact with your family or at least make contact the bare minimum (Christmas, birthdays). That's some fucked up parenting. You leave your teenager alone in their room when the door is locked. You can try to talk about stuff with teenagers, voice opinions about sexuality and all that, but sneakily opening that locked door is some seriously wrong shit.

This is wack yo!

The closest my friend's mom ever got was yelling at him as we went out for the evening, "don't be stupid Jeffrey! Use a condom!"

Bet that's not normal. But sadly, absent parents are just as damaging. I wish someone stopped me from watching so much porn so early in my life.

Its not uncommon for kids to not really have privacy but they let you have a lock on your door and then picked it???? That is weird.