You could try "I'm going to do this thing on this day. If you would like to join me, I'll be there at this time. Let me know if you're coming by (RSVP date) so that I can book you a spot/plate/room: it will be $this much." And then make your plans and do them anyway.

This way it's clear that you are doing the thing. If people say "can we do this or this instead?" you reply with "Hey, great idea! Maybe next time. I've already planned the other thing for this time."

Sometimes it will be on your own. Sometimes others will want to join you. Sometimes you can join others on their quests, too, but remember to not try and change their plans to suit yourself.

Instead of making plans with friends, plan your activity and invite friends. If you're the defining factor, and plan your activity as it is, others may join or not.

The fewer people you involve, the more stable the plan will be as well.

Thank you for the AI Disclaimer and owning up to the words it spit out, at least you're being honest about it, and that's respectable. 👍

My personal opinion is don't expect anything.

You can try to plan everything out, but almost never will things go perfectly according to plans. And the more effort you put into planning, the less likely things actually go according to plan.

If you're just trying to enjoy time with friends, then plans might as well be just suggestions, but sometimes you just gotta roll with whatever happens, and get a good laugh when Jeremy pukes behind the car LOL!

Sometimes you just gotta live in the moment...

it gets reshaped into something I don’t want

It is bizarre that this happens so regularly to you. Could you go into detail, like at least 3 examples of this? What's going on?

One thing every other comment has failed to mention is that, to be comfortable around other people, you must first be comfortable with yourself fully. And, because of that, I recommend you keep doing activities by yourself, and try new things by yourself, at least at first. Discover who you actually want to be, while still respecting everyone's freedom, including your own.

First, it’s not only you: making plans that accommodate everyone’s schedules and budgets can be tricky, especially if a lot of people are involved, so you might not be doing anything wrong. You can try letting them know what you want to do earlier in advance so that they know not to make plans for the day. People are more likely to respond to concrete dates, times, and locations instead of vague ones.

Also not all of your friends are going to share your hobbies and interests and that’s ok. Try inviting just the ones you know for sure enjoy the things you do, or joining clubs or activity groups for those things to potentially meet new people to do them with. The time with your other friends can be spent on things you know they want to participate in and can afford.

Appreciate the honesty about the AI disclaimer.

Make friends with people who also love what you love?

No, it isn't wrong to want to choose your friends based on your hobbies. It's healthy. Sure, you will need some flexibility. It can't all be your way all the time. But generally you want friends who enjoy the same activities and "things" you do. You want enough similarities to have stuff to do and talk about, but enough differences that you aren't just repeating the same things to each other.

And as with most relationships, a small handful of great ones can sustain us for longer and more deeply than a deluge of shallow and circumstantial ones.

I've learned that it's important to spent time on my interests, and it's important to spend time on my friends, but trying to do both at once sometimes cheapens both.

I'd suggest scheduling just chill hangouts with friends, and keep doing the wild things they can't afford by yourself.

I tell my friends hey im doing X on this day if you want to come. Sometimes they will say "I cant do X day can you move it?" and ill decide if I want to and if its fine then i reschedule otherwise I go without them. Plans never get changed from what I originally set.

if I just want to hangout and dont care about the activity I just ask if they want to meet up and do something making it clear the activity is open for anything. We then throw around ideas and whichever has the most interest we do.

This is very normal. Especially if you don't have kids and some of your friends do, or if your work schedule isn't a standard 9 to 5 and all your friends are on that. Once your group gets bigger than 5 or 6 people, coordinating schedules is basically impossible.

Don't take it personally. It's likely nothing about trying to change your plans, but rather just trying to find some middle ground in the plans that works for everyone. Don't set your own expectations so high that anything that isn't perfect leaves you miserable.

You have 2 options: 1) As mentioned, just say at this time in this day you're doing something and anyone who wants to join is free to do so, knowing full well that some people will feel FOMO. 2) Try and do something and be fine with the plans changing to get the larger group, because that's the point, not the activity itself.

I don't have any shared hobbies or interests with any of my friends (and very few with my wife!) besides going somewhere, putting things in our mouths and yapping the day/night away. Idk, it never felt weird to me, but I might just be a bit of a boring guy since I mostly like reading, talking (IRL and online) and playing single-player videogames so it all fits for me?

I am mostly unsure about what you consider friendship. From your description, they are a (big?) group of people that you meet once or twice a year and when you do you don’t enjoy it. At most, I would consider them acquaintances.

Try looking for connections in groups that tailor towards what you like. Join meetups and such on topics of your interest and try to scout for interesting people in there.

I started doing things that I want, and if others join me, thats awesome, if noone comes along I'll just go alone. I've met a lot of new people this way and it has worked wonders on my social skills.

It allows me to get a lot of new experiences without the hassle of having some miserable being tagging along. And it gives me interesting stories to tell when I meet up with my long time friends. Some of them even want to join some of my adventures.

It would be helpful to have an example (or more) of what you suggested and what ended up happening.

Other people have good advice, but I'm wondering if you are planning things which are a bit niche, or if your friends have strange interests, or if you find it difficult to enjoy normal activities.

There are lots of activities that people do that I'm not that interested in, but I'll go along anyway and still have a good time - it wouldn't be my first choice, and I'd be annoyed if my plans always got taken over in favour of them, but I wouldn't be "visibly miserable" doing something like this: for example, one time we ended up going out for "electric shuffle" (just shuffleboard which is electronically scored) which is pretty expensive for what it is, but whatever. The main attraction is being with friends and interacting, anyway.

I remember one time I planned a cycling trip and everyone I invited ended up doing something else (I can't remember what, but I remember distinctly it being something they could have done on any weekend). I was a bit miserable at that but still had a good time on my own.

What are these “friends” of which you speak?

Yeah this is why I hate making plans, no one else puts in any effort into finding things to do or they don't want to pay for anything and then every outing becomes sitting in a bar shooting shit or going to a movie that either I don't care for or the others don't, I usually just do things by myself these days and I enjoy it a lot more, maybe someday I'll find friends with common interest I actually want to hang out with, for now I've become very comfortable being by myself

That's the neat part, I don't!

I find friends who enjoy the things I like to do??

I don't have friends.

Have you tried this:

-> You suggest [specific activity]

-> They suggest alteration

-> You say, "I actually really want to do [specific activity] this time, but we can do [their suggestion] next time!"

-> (1) They agree. Else (2) They insist on changing it

-> You ask why they don't want to do your suggestion

-> They hopefully have an explanation you can understand so you either feel better about changing the activity, or you go to the activity alone and do their suggestion with them another time (both are just as good!)

There's nothing rude about planning something and inviting people to the activity. If they don't want to join they can say no and you're still allowed to follow through with your plan.

Suggestions for activities to do on your own where your current friends can join if they want but you can also do alone and meet new people at the activity:

cooking class,

dancing class,

amateur theater/improv,

book club (I'm sure there are open book clubs to join at your local library, or you can ask the librarians to put up a flyer and start one... I do 1-on-1 book clubs with different friends at different times when we figure out a book we want to read. We just set a chapter goal and call once or twice a week to check in on each others progress and yap about our thoughts on the book so far. Not every activity needs to include the whole friend group every time - they're all unique persons with different interests and time availability),

join an orientation club,

volunteer somewhere (I like animal shelters, but might be more interaction with other volunteers at something aimed at humans or political/societal),

visit an orchard and pick seasonal fruit/veggies (may not be super social with strangers)

join a hiking tour, especially likely to be social if it's over several days,

go to concerts and festivals,

go to a meetup/show for motorcycles or old cars or something (initiate socialising by asking questions about, and giving people compliments on, what they brought to show off (car, MC, vinyl collection) )