Wow, that is impeccable timing.
this post was submitted on 10 Sep 2025
515 points (97.2% liked)
Not The Onion
17988 readers
1624 users here now
Welcome
We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!
The Rules
Posts must be:
- Links to news stories from...
- ...credible sources, with...
- ...their original headlines, that...
- ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”
Please also avoid duplicates.
Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.
And that’s basically it!
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
47 hours and 21 minutes before he was shot....
Sounds like they got the intensity off a little tho:
I want to make it clear, I’m not calling on dark forces to cause him harm. I just want him to wake up every morning with an inexplicable zit. I want his podcast microphone to malfunction every time he hits record. I want his blue blazers to suddenly all be one size too small. I want one of his socks to always be sliding down his foot. I want his thumb to grow too big to tweet. To ruin his day with the collective feminist power of the Etsy coven would be my life’s greatest joy.
Maybe they forgot Venus was in retrograde?
They did pay for the "shit your pants" spell, and that does happen shortly after death...so in a roundabout monkey's paw sort of way I guess that one worked
There were so many "minor bad thing happens" spells on him that the cosmos combined them all for ease of bookkeeping.
I guess you don't get to make specific demands when you start calling on the forces of darkness.
If this is the work of the Lord of Insufficient Light, I am very much a fan.
It's that "ruin his day with the collective feminist power of the Etsy coven" line that gets me. Talk about undersell, overdeliver
Maybe they got confused by an exponent or a measurement conversion
I must've put a decimal point in the wrong place or something. Shit, I always do that. I always mess up some mundane detail.
-Michael Bolton
Woww is that your real name? Are you related to that singer guy?
This was jupiter's work if I have ever seen it.
i dunno, jupiter's more of a through the forehead and suddenly you figure something important about your life out as you die guy. or was that athena?
I am getting so many uses out of this meme today
In 2020 there was a worldwide pagan ritual on Halloween (in which I participated) to bind Trump in order to prevent his election. Biden won. In 2024, there was no collective ritual and we know how that turned out. I don't actually believe in magic, but at this point, I'm happy to hedge(witch) my bets.
… I don’t tell many people this but I feel like you can help carry my burden.
I dropped a toasted buttered bagel on election night, it landed on the floor butter side up.
I volunteered at the polls on election day and ran over a cardinal on the way there. That's when I knew we were cooked.
I keep seeing you post it and I don't know how it applies to Charlie Kirk
It applies to Etsy witches
Thank you for your service, Etsy Witches.
So, did my Etsy curses work? Time will tell. The forces move in mysterious ways, and as the Priestess reminded me, “Spellwork is a collaboration between the caster, the client, and the universe itself.” For now, we can only trust in the timing of the great unknown.
The Universe says, "hold my beer."
By Wednesday, I checked Charlie’s socials to see if he was spouting anything new.
He sure was spouting blood from his neck.
The great unknown has a sense of humor it seems
It's particularly fond of irony I find.
Let’s raise more money for witches!
If anyone deserves a tip for exceptional service, it's those Etsy witches.
For doing fuck-all?
Wow. Curse of hatred on the new moon in August. Dead just after the Full moon of September. I hope the author purchased the protection spell.
Those witches could make a fortune with a time limited discount for hexes on Trump
And P eter The il
This is how religion starts
Well, that's customer satisfaction.
"Etsy witches." So that's what hitmen are calling themselves online now?
I mean, it's manual labor from a distance, what else would you call it?
Looks like their caster rolled a nat 20 and scored the crit of a lifetime.
How ~~do I~~ can my friend contact them?
do not worry, they are panicked as fuck and busy cleansing their space now that a spell has worked, and busy preparing a Big Spell for the equinox with everyone else
man i ain't never cast no curse, always felt it was bad juju, but i gotta look into this shit.
new moon near the equinox comin up. hrm...
Wow those witches are just really direct.
Who else is in their cursor?
Kickstart 'Curse Charlie KirK'