this post was submitted on 08 Sep 2025

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230

The stigma of being a feminine male has left me broken, dysfunctional, and afraid to leave home. How can I get past my fear? (lemmy.world)

submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by sprigatito_bread@lemmy.world to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

62 comments fedilink hide all child comments

I (22M, American) was raised by a conservative family and taught traditional gender roles. I was told multiple times that that "gay" men (men who didn't conform to traditional masculine gender expression) were ruining society and literally deserved to die, and that people out in the real world do the dirty work of disposing of them through stochastic violence.

Unfortunately, I turned out almost exactly how I wasn't supposed to. I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional, and I loved cute and pretty things. Ironically, I was so in love with feminine energy that I developed an emotionally intense heterosexual attraction to women, though in a way that was nothing like the typical straight model.

Long story short, I faced an entire childhood of ridicule and isolation and eventually developed an autoimmune disease with disabilities as a souvenir. I wanted to take my own life, but the Internet existed, so I numbed myself with endless slop content instead.

The progressive side of the Internet taught me that there are a lot of ways of being beyond the "conform or fucking die" model I was raised with. I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me despite my utter disregard for the manliness rules, something I was blackpilled on before.

But I am still too scared to leave home. It is hard to motivate myself to do anything because the source of my fulfillment is to make people happy, but I can't meet anyone because I'm frozen in fear. I still feel like everyone will hate me for being too feminine, and that the occasional stray vigilante will try to put a bullet in me. Even if I could defend myself, it feels too risky: I have to win every single time, while they only have to win once. On top of that, I am now visibly disabled, so I have to deal with ableism on top of everything else.

I can't function this way. I'm not motivated to take care of myself or put effort into online college because I see no point to life if I can't be social and authentic IRL. I literally just want to make people smile and feel cared for, but it feels like I'm too alien for people outside of a progressive echo chamber to accept me, and life will be full of constant gender policing, harassment, and threats of violence (especially because this is the U.S. we're talking about). The most productive day of my life happened when I thought for a moment that I had a chance, but I fell back into my old habits once I started having doubts again.

It could be worth noting that I live in central Ohio, somewhat close to the city, so it's not like I live in the middle of a rural hellscape. I also saw a non-binary androgynous person working at a clinic the other day, which seems like a good sign? I went to school in a more rural area, but of all of the people who seemed to like me, most of them were closer to the city.

If you have faced a similar situation, how did you make it through?

(page 2) 13 comments

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[–] Flax_vert@feddit.uk 2 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I can't give advice, sorry.

Do you have autism by any chance?

If people hate you for this, they'd have REALLY hated Jesus

[–] helpImTrappedOnline@lemmy.world 1 points 1 month ago (1 children)

"Dad I want to grow my hair out long"

"No, men must have short hair. Long hair is the sign of the devil"

"But all these pictures of Jesus have long hair"

"go to your room!!!"

[–] Flax_vert@feddit.uk 1 points 1 month ago

My mum unironically did this with my dad

[–] its_prolly_fine@sh.itjust.works 2 points 1 month ago

What city are you close to? Can you look for work in Columbus? It's much more liberal and there are more people who are like minded. You might feel safer being yourself, while still being close to home. It would be a smaller move, if you have to move.

If you have the ability to, please seek help from a professional. It sounds like you are really struggling. Once you are in a better place mentally it will be easier to tackle these life things you don't have the motivation to do. You have been surviving so far, following what was expected of you. Now that there isn't a definite next step it's harder. I would recommend putting whatever energy you have into finding a therapist.

You can do this! You have reached out for help already, which is really hard. Honestly you are amazing to have survived with who you are intact. I can't imagine the strength it would take to live with people who believe you should be killed. To constantly be afraid of being found and hurt. You grew up being enemy lines when it should have been a safe haven.

[–] systemglitch@lemmy.world 1 points 1 month ago

Wow. You have a choice, live in fear or live. You aren't living.

[–] Horsey@lemmy.world 1 points 1 month ago

You kinda answered your own question in the OP… you got this OP. If you’re not going to kiss your parents’s asses for inheritance, then cut them out and move on; the faster you do that, the better it is for you.

[–] gaybriel_fr_br@jlai.lu 0 points 1 month ago

It does sound like the US...

[–] allo@sh.itjust.works 0 points 1 month ago