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Toxic Masculinity (lemmy.world)

submitted 5 days ago by Stamets@lemmy.world to c/whitepeopletwitter@sh.itjust.works

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[–] Robust_Mirror@aussie.zone 3 points 5 days ago (3 children)

Women are human beings that should have autonomy to do as they please.

This is 100% true, for anyone (obviously excepting it doesn't infringe on others, such as murder for example), but also its okay for people to have boundaries and for you to compromise within those boundaries, assuming you want to be with the person more than you care about the boundary they have.

Now whether such a thing should be a boundary is another question, but if it's normal to, for example, not want your partner to cheat and have that as a boundary, we can at least agree its okay for boundaries to exist at all within a relationship, and that it isn't necessarily infringing on your autonomy as a person for your partner to have them.

There are however definitely boundaries that should be considered a red flag, and for many people this may be one of them. That's fine, and it's fully your choice to decide whether you accept a boundary, just as some people may only want an open relationship, and so "no 'cheating' of any form" would be a boundary they wouldn't accept, despite being common.

And they're not "yours" or anybody else's but their own selves.

Fully agree.

[–] zalgotext@sh.itjust.works 10 points 4 days ago

I feel like the bit that's sort of being glossed over/missed is that the bf in the relationship is making his issue (my gf has friends that want to fuck her) into his gf's issue by introducing the boundary of "you're not allowed to have friends that want to fuck you". That should be an unreasonable boundary for anyone (barring edge case scenarios that involve informed consent between adults) because one person is taking their internal issues and externalizing it on someone else (presumably) without consent.

And then the gf flips that wrongheadedness back onto her bf by saying "if I'm not allowed to have friends that want to fuck me, then you're not allowed to have friends that want to fuck me either". It's a humorous response that illustrates the hypocrisy of the first boundary introduced by the bf, and also hints at the slippery slope nature of forbidding relationships based on uncontrollable, external criteria like "does someone want to fuck you".

[–] hikaru755@lemmy.world 4 points 4 days ago

not want your partner to cheat

IMO cheating is by definition something your partner does not want. Defining cheating as a certain set of actions that everyone agrees on independent of the relationship is a dead end. If you instead define cheating as "knowingly violating your partner's boundaries" (and make sure to talk about those boundaries!), everything becomes so much easier

[–] squaresinger@lemmy.world 0 points 4 days ago

Good to see some nuance and reflection in a Lemmy comment section :)

Tbh, not all jealousy is misdirected. My ex did a ton of inappropriate-but-not-cheating things with other guys and told me that she was close to cheating on two occasions. Didn't exactly make me feel secure in the relationship and I did tell her that I felt uncomfortable with what she was doing. She ended up actually cheating with one of these guys.

I've been with my wife for ~10 years now, and I never felt any bit of jealousy with her at all, ever. I can just trust her and I do.

So apparently, it's not a me-problem here.