this post was submitted on 22 Dec 2025
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[–] pieland@piefed.social 7 points 22 hours ago (2 children)

username does not check out

i’m curious how you did it. i tried being nice, they’d just attack me.

i struggle to want to be nice to people who want me dead. who are loud about how i am lazy and stealing their tax dollars.

a former maga friend - someone who i was “nice” to until the one time i wasn’t, even though he was allowed to say all the shitty things he wanted - told me i was a waste of space. he verbally attacked me over my health issues knowing how sensitive a subject that is.

i don’t see them as people tbh. if me saying that validates their opinion that i’m evil, maybe they should start acting like people instead of monsters.

they also, as a group, tend to be more likely to be offending pedos, rapists, domestic abusers, and mass shooters. which for me reinforces the idea that they aren’t people.

[–] ameancow@lemmy.world 1 points 20 hours ago (1 children)

they also, as a group, tend to be more likely to be offending pedos, rapists, domestic abusers, and mass shooters. which for me reinforces the idea that they aren’t people.

Also, see... this is an obstacle on your part I would dismantle as readily as I would dismantle some chud's idea that liberals are all groomers or something. While it's true that conservatism seems to draw in people who are social rejects, there are plenty of people around you who you would think are allies and great people who have their own skeletons and things that you would be appalled by.

Part of affecting change in the world and changing people is about getting out of your own head, it's never about your own vindication or justice or creating the idea circumstance or changing someone to suit you. It only works when you genuinely make it about the other person, and to get there you have to discard judgement or preconceptions. Again, it's hard and I don't blame people for not wanting to, but if more people at least tried, I think we could make great changes in the world.

[–] pieland@piefed.social 1 points 14 hours ago* (last edited 14 hours ago) (1 children)

never said there aren’t terrible leftists. there are plenty. people in general are terrible.

statistically speaking, right wingers are worse. this is factual. don’t gaslight me.

i’m afraid of confrontation and i’m friendly enough that horrible people feel comfortably trauma-dumping on me, but they never feel comfortable changing.

i tend to be a pretty validating person and they love that. but the one time i call them out on something they need to do better, their defenses go up. no one is actually interested in being a good person, they just want to be told they’re a good person.

i’m disabled and i get assigned caregivers from a local agency. a caregiver casually told me she’s a pedophile (trump supporter too btw). people are too comfortable around me.

[–] ameancow@lemmy.world 1 points 7 hours ago

don’t gaslight me.

The fact that you sense "gaslighting" in casual conversation about reframing perspective for better material results tells me you have a ways to go before you should even attempt to throw yourself into an emotional cold-war confrontation with anyone who might see you as some kind of ideological opponent.

Seriously, this is out of left field for the tone of our convo so far, that I don't think I want to reply anymore because there are a lot of things in life that are hard to hear or challenging, and if you can't handle that in the mildest form without recoiling and fearing that you're the one being manipulated, there is no CHANCE of you changing someone else. You have to have a LOT stronger self-worth.

[–] ameancow@lemmy.world 1 points 20 hours ago* (last edited 20 hours ago) (1 children)

i’m curious how you did it. i tried being nice, they’d just attack me.

It really depends a lot on context and situation, ideally it's someone you already have at least SOME passing acquaintance with so they give you a chance. And the most important thing to focus on is listening and asking questions. It's not about being nice, it's about giving someone the feeling that someone wants to hear their story. (And EVERYONE wants to tell their story.)

This also goes hand-in-hand with learning to be better at socializing broadly. About learning to take in someone's perspective and memories and feelings and be active and ask questions, not just waiting for your chance to say something or "push back" on anything. You can't go into this kind of exchange expecting to turn anyone or change someone's mind, but the moment you make someone feel like you want to hear them and understand them, something magical starts happening and they start wanting your acceptance. I like to use the analogy of socializing a scared dog. A dog who is scared of strangers often will display that fear with barking and growling, which we translate as anger, but really it's fear.

And if you've raised dogs, you know that the secret to getting a dog to stop growling and being afraid is exposure and calmness. Again, niceness doesn't really come into play, it's more about demonstrating your intent. And you can't just say I mean no harm, you can trust me, you have to show them, and that can take time. So patience is also part of it. Have an ongoing repertoire where you talk and get to know each other, but the key here is not to attack, you can talk clearly about your own feelings, identity or beliefs, but you can't direct it outward.

These people have been trained for years and years that you're the enemy, that you're something to be feared or hated or that you're trying to destroy the country... there is a strange allure to that, everyone wants to see the movie where the hero and the villain sit down and have a conversation in the diner. You can use that in some circumstances as long as you don't show either fear or disrespect.

In time, they may start seeking you out to get your reactions, to try to make points, to try to do "gotchas" on you, and you can take that any way you want, again as long as you're doing so in good humor, or at least giving them the chance to talk and the space to hold their beliefs, no matter how fucked up it sounds. Again, that's dog barking. These people don't have the well-thought-out values and ideas you do in many cases, that's why the right appeals to them. It doesn't force them to do emotional labor. Because they are very emotional inside.

Those feelings will come closer and closer to the surface over time. You can start leveraging it slowly, gently, by asking about their family, their loved ones, their memories of childhood and what they want for their kids, or their future, or what they wish they could do in life... and ask why they can't.

Again, your strategy here is not to say "AHA! Well socialism actually wants that too!" but just ask more and more questions. "I can't get ahead in life because the goddamn libs" well that's something to dig into... which libs? why? What could he do to change it? How do other people get around that obstacle? It's again, a matter of both hooking emotions and not invalidating them, but making them use language to question and articulate their own beliefs.

This cracks people. A lot.

This isn't new either. People have used this tactic to unbelievable effectiveness, but it's also very hard to do, it's tiring, but imagine how the world would change if every MAGA chud knew at least "one good one" and how that might change how they listen to media and news that tries to make them hate you.

In my case, I used to "turn" incels this way, younger people but the tactic is mostly the same. I had great success rates and have had people thank me for "saving their lives" which I am sure is hyperbolic but I am glad I've touched a few people and made them start using their minds.

[–] pieland@piefed.social 1 points 14 hours ago* (last edited 14 hours ago) (1 children)

It really depends a lot on context and situation, ideally it's someone you already have at least SOME passing acquaintance with so they give you a chance

okay, so this won’t work with all the social media maga telling me to kill myself.

i’ve done all those things as in person i don’t like being confrontational. yeah, it makes people adore me and say im the sweetest. never changes them though.

a little observation. your comment history says you’re a cis man. i think that might be part of why it’s been more effective for you to change minds. what you say has more weight.

[–] ameancow@lemmy.world 1 points 7 hours ago

okay, so this won’t work with all the social media maga telling me to kill myself.

Get off social media, at least with any connection to your real self and identity, and don't try to move people there with anything more rigorous than memes. This isn't the kind of environment that gives any kind of meaningful results.

If you have people saying anything positive about you, you're succeeding on some level, and I don't think it has as much to do with gender or race or identity as much as how comfortable you can make someone. I'm not the only person who advocates turning bigots with careful connection tactics, and I'm certainly privileged by being male, but I don't accept people saying they can't do things because of a label they've fixed on themselves, anyone is capable of fantastic things if you don't see limitations in yourself. You adjust and adapt your tactics for the role you play.